NBA Slytherin

Introducing...that OTHER team in green that we all love to hate!

CHASERS: Stephen Curry (GS), Brandon Jennings (MIL), Kobe Bryant (LAL)

Jennings: In perhaps the most controversial decision in Slytherin since former captain Marcus Flint was granted an 8th year of eligibility (he's a 6th year in Book 1, yet still around in Book 3), Brandon Jennings chose to go play at Durmstrang for a year, rather than submit to the "first years can't have brooms" (unless you're the once and future savior of wizarding kind) rule at Hogwarts. That sort of audacity landed him an immediate spot in Slytherin when he returned to the UK, and he quickly established himself as a chaser's chaser, scoring 55 points in one of his first career matches (to keep the basketball/quidditch parallel from falling apart here, I'll let you determine how he was credited for 5 1/2 goals). On a team that's loaded with talented gunners, it remains to be seen whether Slytherin is indeed where Jennings "makes his real friends", as the old Sorting song goes.

Kobe: If the Chamber of Secrets were opened today, one could make a pretty solid case that Kobe is the Heir of Slytherin. As far as ambition (Salazar's favorite personality trait) goes, has the NBA ever had a more shamelessly ambitious player in its history? No. How about pureblood status? His father, Joe "Every Flavor Bean" Bryant had a long and prosperous career back when Armando Dippet was Headmaster at Hogwarts. The guy's nickname is "the Black Mamba", so I think we can pretty much guarantee that he's a Parselmouth, Sal Slytherin's claim to fame. Imagine the look on Pau Gasol's face the first time he was harshly bitched out in Pareseltongue after yet another dropped quaffle. As for potential Death Eater ties, one can look no further than that weird knee operation he had over in Germany last year to rejuvenate his knees to their younger form. Exactly how much unicorn blood is mixed in during this Regenokine procedure? Add this together, and Kobe playing chaser for Slytherin is the absolute best fit on the entire list.

Curry: Is Stephen Curry a "bad" guy? No, it doesn't seem like it, so then why would I put him in Slytherin?  I'll start off by making a quick note of his status as a pureblood (his pops Dell had a long and productive NBA career in the 90s) before moving on to what I feel is a basic misconception about Slytherins that JK Rowling doesn't do much to dissuade us from. Just because all Dark Wizards (whatever that even means) supposedly have come from Slytherin, that doesn't necessarily mean that all Slytherins are Dark Wizards. And as it's Hagrid who first lets Harry know that "there's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin", I'll point out that Hagrid is an idiot, and this statement is incorrect anyway. For instance, Grindelwald "went bad", and became an infamous Dark Wizard. Grindelwald went to Durmstrang and could therefore not have been in Slytherin. Now, if Hagrid was specifically referring to just the Hogwarts wizards, he needs to clarify this point, to avoid making yet another of his prejudiced and insensitive comments that he always seems to get a free pass for just because he's Hagrid. 

Back to Stephen Curry. The trait that solidifies him in my mind as a clear-cut Slytherin is his annoying tendency to get 'cooled up' too much when playing basketball.  To those unfamiliar with the term, 'getting cooled up' can best be defined as "a noticeable difference in behavior or mannerisms as a direct result of doing something unexpectedly awesome".  If this doesn't quite make it clear,  feel free to check out the greatest and most accurate film depiction of what it means to be getting cooled up, from Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character during the scene right after he has sex for the first time in "500 Days of Summer". That should clear up any confusion you might have about the term.

Make no mistake, Curry is an incredible player, and watching him completely take over for an entire quarter or half at Oracle Arena is absolutely thrilling. However, for someone with his skill level, every time he hits 2 or 3 shots in a row, he doesn't need to get that amused/pretending to be shocked smile on his face, start clapping his hands slower and more precisely, or hop around all over the court. Michael Jordan put on one of the greatest shooting streaks in NBA history when he hit 6 threes in a row against Portland in the Finals (and remember, Jordan was not a good three point shooter)--and yet he only got cooled up ONE time (the shoulder shrug towards press row) during all of this. With that as the standard, it becomes clear that Stephen Curry might be overdoing it a little. James Potter was the same way when he spotted the snitch and knew that it was just a short time until he caught it and ended the game. Snape hated this, but couldn't quite verbalize it to Harry decades later, saying that James used to "strut around the castle" in his day. Harry was deeply offended. "My father didn't strut. He got cooled up". And so does Stephen Curry. 

BEATERS: Reggie Evans (BKN), Omer Asik (HOU)

Evans and Asik: Slytherin has long been notorious for having sheer brawn and intimidating physicality as their only criteria at this position (rather than, you know, any skill at all), leading to some famously goonish beater combinations. However, not even Bole and Derrick, or Crabbe and Goyle (I always suspected that JK just threw those guys on the team so she wouldn't have to make up two new meaningless characters) could hold a candle to the brutish front-court that NBA Slytherin has put together. Neither can make a free throw to save their lives, but I'm pretty sure that Evans and Asik have by now stumbled upon most, if not all, of the possible ways to commit a foul in basketball, though the number is considerably less than the 700 possible quidditch infractions.

GOALKEEPER: Kevin Garnett (BOS) *Captain

Garnett: This legendary trash talker brings a fierce mean streak and competitiveness to the lineup. In describing Slytherin, the Sorting Hat was not kidding around when he mentioned that "those cunning folk use any means/To achieve their ends". Even if those means require researching your opponents' insecurities and creating as derogatory of insults as possible to exploit said insecurities. Can you imagine the riot that would break out in the Great Hall on game day when Garnett starts barking obscenities about Harry's deceased parents across the breakfast table? 

"Hey Potter, your mom tastes like Chocolate Frogs!!! At least, She USED TO!!"

One of these days, Garnett is going to get a Sectumsempra, and it's going to be completely justified.

SEEKER: Chris Paul (LAC) *Prefect

Paul: Undeniably talented, ambitious, with a squeaky clean PR image to go along with countless ministry donations and sports-potion commercials, Chris Paul is the man around the Slytherin dungeons. With Paul's superb snitch-handling skills, Slytherin is immediately a threat to win every game he plays in. However, despite pressure by Snape to promote this prefect to Head Boy, Dumbledore hesitates. He seems to see a more sinister side to this pupil, a side that the glowing Daily Prophet headlines don't quite catch. Looking beneath the surface, is Chris Paul's "never say die" competitiveness on the quidditch pitch a not-so-subtle indication of Death Eater activity once his playing career is finished?

They're arrogant, they're mean, and they're thuggish, but let's face it, this Slytherin team is flat out loaded. At this point, they're heavy favorites to take home the Larry O'Brien Quidditch Cup and add to the Slytherin dynasty. 

Ravenclaw's intelligent but ultimately pedestrian lineup will be released next.

What if NBA players went to Hogwarts instead?

The first time Oliver Wood explained the game of quidditch to Harry Potter, Harry remarked, "so--that's sort of like basketball on broomsticks with six hoops, isn't it?"

Now, Wood figured that he was a little too Wizard to admit that he knew what Harry was talking about, but I like to think that a small lumos clicked in Wood's brain that day, because it certainly did in mine. Despite knowing nothing about quidditch at the time, Harry was on to something; quidditch is  sort of like basketball on broomsticks with six hoops, and there are no athletes better suited to filling the various positions on a quidditch team than basketball players. You have long and athletic shot-blockers to play Goalkeeper,  bulky power forwards are your natural Beaters, small forwards and shooting guards become Chasers. That leaves you with the point guards whose fast hands, agility while weaving through traffic at high speeds, and preternatural ability to see the entire court at once make them the ideal Seeker in a quidditch match.

Taking this concept and fleshing it out a little bit, I decided to craft a hypothetical scenario where all NBA players are wizards, many of them attend Hogwarts, and the best and brightest get chosen to represent their houses in a quest to bring home the Larry O'Brien Quidditch Cup at the end of the season. All I ask is everyone sets their time-turners back to about 5 years ago when Hogwarts was still relevant and pretend that the window for this type of topic didn't close a long time ago.

Before I get rolling with this, I want to make a few clarifications regarding the Sorting process:

- The Sorting Hat will place players into each of the four Hogwarts houses, based on the attributes that the school's founders valued the most. Duh.
- Anyone looking for a cheap, "The Miami Heat is Slytherin. Hee hee hee!" might as well stop reading right here. This isn't the right blog for you.
- This is not a list of who I think are the best 28 players in the NBA. Style of play, personality, and transfer of basketball skills to quidditch are my criteria here, as well as the occasional "just because". For example, Monta Ellis just seems like a Gryffindor to me, even though others might say Slytherin. Remember, "It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
- I mentioned transfer of skills. This is big for a guy like Dirk Nowitzki, who just doesn't seem to have the skill set to succeed in quidditch. He'd be just as slow and clumsy on broomstick as on a bball court, and his high-arcing shot would have a predictable trajectory for any goalkeeper worth his salt to track and save. Nitch once tried to convince me that the same is true of LeBron, but I disagree. LeBron could dominate at every position, just like in basketball. The only one where he might conceivably struggle is at seeker; even then, Cedric Diggory was oversized for a seeker too, and he was still able to hand Potter the first loss of his career. I chose not to include LeBron in this list, but not because he isn't a capable player. Think of his omission as something in the vein of Charlie Weasley, who likely could have played on England's national team if he hadn't decided to take his talents to Romania.
- Ironically enough, no player from either the Magic or the Wizards made the cut (but great for Washington, getting Albus Dumbledore to be their logo).

With that, I'll let the sorting begin. I've chosen to unveil Team Hufflepuff first, with the other rosters being released at a later time.

CHASERS: Russell Westbrook (OKC), Kevin Durant (OKC), *Captain/Prefect Kyrie Irving (CLE)

Durant- You can draw a lot of Cedric Diggory parallels with Kevin Durant. In any other era, he's a once-in-a-generation superstar who is showered with post-season awards and wins multiple championships. However, he's a player who seems to be entering his prime at the worst possible time, competing against another once-in-a-generation superstar who is better than him, has better teammates than him, and will likely steal away many possible championships from him. Diggory had the misfortune of having 2 full years of his quidditch career cancelled (Books 2 & 4) right when he seemed to finally be in position to finally deliver Hufflepuff their first Cup in ages. He then missed what would have been his 7th year at Hogwarts due to death, and the one year that he had a fair chance at a championship (Book 3) happened to be the most competitive top-to-bottom that the Hogwarts league had been in decades. Even after pulling a big upset against Potter and Gryffindor, there was still a stacked Slytherin team standing in the way. Once again, this year Durant is having yet another fantastic season that would win him the MVP award in most seasons, but with LeBron performing at an otherworldly rate, at this point poor KD evokes Diggory at the Little Hangleton graveyard. Wrong place, wrong time.

Westbrook- As with Seamus Finnigan, the Sorting Hat sat on Russell's head for an exceptionally long time before making a final decision. There was a thirst to prove himself that Slytherin would have admired and definite courage that he could put to good use in Gryffindor (though his questionable quidditch IQ may disqualify him from a Ravenclaw placement). However beneath the surface there lies a loyalty to his team and the hint of an inferiority complex in his style of play that make Hufflepuff a best fit in this case. 

Irving- I don't know whose shoes would be harder to fill: Lebron's when he left Cleveland, or Diggory's when he was tragically taken from Hufflepuff. In either case, Kyrie Irving is the second coming, both for the Cavs and Hufflepuffs. He has inherited a trampled and heartbroken franchise who questions whether it can ever love again after losing their one shining beacon of hope. He has incredible talent, and is given the honors of quidditch Captain and house Prefect at a young age. An impossible battle to fight, he must instinctively know that the only way out of this fallen hero's shadow is by delivering a championship, one that seems harder to come by with each passing year. All hope isn't necessarily lost though; Durant and Westbrook alone would give Hufflepuff a chaser corps as good as anyone, and adding Kyrie Irving to the mix only magnifies the impact that this unit can have on a match. 

BEATERS: Josh Smith (ATL), Andre Iguodala (DEN)

Hufflepuff takes athleticism and temperament over sheer brawn at Beater, a position where Smith and Iguodala will thrive. However, for all their athleticism, these players are not exactly known around the league as being enforcers. Against Slytherin's thug tactics, their main role is likely to be serving as bodyguards for their Seeker, and with everything on the line, the main question is whether these "nice guys" have the toughness to stand up to Salazar's Brutes with a Quidditch Cup on the line.

GOALKEEPER: Dwight Howard (LAL)

As a quidditch keeper, the best policy is usually to try and avoid comparisons to Ronald Weasley at all costs. Weasley somehow managed to get the keeper position for Gryffindor, but mega-talent Dwight Howard is not so lucky and has slipped through to Hufflepuff. In life, lack of a killer instinct is actually a pretty admirable trait to have, and I would have loved to see his impression of Kobe Bryant in the all-stars locker room this year. On the quidditch pitch, however, these traits are instead indicative of a second rate club that will always struggle to win when the stakes are highest.

SEEKER: Darren Collison (DAL)

Collison has the prototypical Seeker's build; small, lightning-fast, and with quick hands. I would imagine his broomstick of choice to be Firebolt, and he certainly has the agility to wield it properly. However, he doesn't quite have the skill level that many of his contemporaries possess, and overall he'll struggle when matched up against the juggernauts. 

Perhaps the defining trait of this Hufflepuff squad is the total number of NBA Championship rings that they have as a group: Zero. They're loaded with talent at most positions, but seeker remains a critical weak link that, combined with a perceived lack of toughness, will cause them to struggle against the elite sides that Gryffindor and Slytherin have put together.

Stay tuned for Team Slytherin, to be released in my next post.

2013 NFL Mock Draft

The NFL Draft is this weekend, and it's been brought to my attention that some people are interested in it and want me to write about it. Seeing as I rather dislike the NFL Draft, I didn't exactly jump at the idea. However, right when I was about to tell all the NFL offseason fans to go fluke themselves, I get a text from my good friend Herman, telling me to take a look at the mock draft that he had created. So I did--and while I'm still wondering when he's going to show me what he has for the the other 6 rounds, he has what looks to be pretty solid analysis as far as the first round goes (you know, the equivalent of filling in the play-in games on an NCAA bracket).  Since I respect his opinions about 10 times more than Mel Kiper's, and since his hair rises about 10 inches lower then Kiper's, I decided that it was 100 percent necessary to share Herman's mock draft, along with a few of my own comments when inappropriate.

With that, I give you the first guest blog in H-Bromo's storied existence, from a multi-talented man with a wide range of interests and experiences. Check growingatwork.com for some more of Herman's writing, where he blogs from his office about an assortment of life and work topics (I'm assuming in between angry phone calls from neglected and dissatisfied customers).

Growing at Work's NFL Mock Draft 2013
(Editor's Notes are in highlighter)

Having always been a fan of the NFL, and a fanatic of Chicago Bear football, I love all things NFL.  One way that I feel that I separate myself from the average fan is that from the time that I was teen (literally 13 years old), Thanks for clarifying, I was worried you were referring to those awkward figurative teen years for a minute there I loved the NFL offseason, in particular the NFL Draft.  I remember watching Cade McNown, David Terrell, Anthony Thomas, and Urlacher being drafted.  I even remember knowing that Urlacher was a converted safety.  I have always loved the business side of the NFL.  Players traded, signed, cut, drafted, and conditioned to expansion drafts.  This Thursday the NFL will host the first round of the 2013 draft.  I can’t wait to see where the stars of the future will be headed and all the action trading picks and players in live time.  When I was young it was a weekend that I had to wake up early to see, now ESPN and the NFL have realized how action packed and excited die-hard fans can get for this event and have almost made it a week-long primetime event.  This post is a tribute to that event, how it’s grown, how it will continue to grow, and all the nostalgia of wearing my Walter Payton jersey for an entire weekend sometime in the spring.

I love mock drafts.  Reading about the possible destinations of each prospect and watching Todd McShay and Mel Kiper Jr. argue over which players will do better in the NFL is the best.  I have read thousands of mock drafts over the past 13 years and countless more metaphorical ones, but I have never created or published my own.  Today that changes as I release my first ever Mock Draft!  There could not be a better way to celebrate NFL Draft week than filling our my NFL Draft Bracket (of sorts).  I will be making picks based on need and what I think is the best fit.  I obviously have no insider information so I have to use my own emotions.

1. Kansas City Chiefs: Luke Joeckel, OT Texas A&M- Joeckel is considered to be the best player in this draft by most experts.  The Chiefs are currently trying to trade Branden Albert and have already cut Eric Winston.  Unless they surprise everyone and make a move for Eric Fisher it looks like this pick is all but chosen.
2. Jacksonville Jaguars: Dion Jordan, DE Oregon- Jacksonville may choose to take a gamble on Geno Smith but I think that they take Jordan who will likely give them a constant pressure from the D-end position and hope that Matt Barkley or Ryan Nassib is available when they pick in the second round.
3. Oakland Raiders: Sharrif Floyd, DT Florida- Believed to be the best defensive player in this draft the Raiders have a need at DT and shouldn’t hesitate with this pick.
4. Philadelphia Eagles: Geno Smith, QB West Virginia- I would cringe at this selection if I were a Philadelphia fan.  4th is much too early to select Smith in my opinion and I don’t personally believe that he will be a star in this league.  However, I do believe that Philadelphia is the spot that Geno should be crossing his fingers that he lands.  He would be a good fit for Chip Kelley’s offence and would have some great weapons surrounding him there.                                             
5. Detroit Lions: Eric Fisher, OT Central Michigan- Ezekiel Ansah might be a sexier pick here for Lions fans but Fisher deserves this spot as the Lions have lost both starting Offensive Tackles this offseason. Ansah has amazing measureables but might be a stretch at 5 for a team with a need on the O line. I know that they're necessary and everything, but it's awfully difficult to get excited about using a first round draft pick on some offensive linemen. Especially one from Central Michigan. I love the Chips and everything, but it seems risky to use this pick for a MAC-level player, even one that performed really well against MAC-level competition. Especially after using a first round pick on an O-lineman last year. And for the record, I don't find Ezekiel Ansah to be all that sexy...maybe a little bit. Moving on.
6. Cleveland Browns: Dee Milliner, CB Alabama- Beyond Joe Hayden the Cleveland secondary is thin at the cornerback position.  Being able to draft a potential shut down corner to play opposite of Hayden is too good to pass up here at number 6 for the Browns. Last year during the first half of that ill-fated Michigan vs Alabama game at Cowboys Stadium (or JerryWorld, as people who think they're cool might call it), loyal bromolyte Meestah sent me a text that said, "Dee Milliner would start for the Lions right now".  The bad news is that Meestah wasn't exaggerating. Last year was about the 16th consecutive year that the DTLs  had a defensive secondary that Hoop Dreams coach Gene Pingatore would describe as "crap. Dog-shit CRAP!" The good news is that this year's draft offers a strong opportunity to improve in that area.  I remember in 1997, with the #5 pick overall pick, Detroit had to settle with Bryant Westbrook when Shawn Springs went third to Seattle. Springs was the best corner available in '97 and the DTLs missed out on him; Milliner is the best corner available this year and a two time National Champion. If he's available, I would highly, highly prefer him to some offensive linemen from a mediocre MAC team. Then again, after the untimely retirement of The Best in the Business, they may also want to think about using this pick to get that next once-in-a-generation franchise kicker.
7. Arizona Cardinals- Lane Johnson, OT Oklahoma-  This draft is strong in Offensive lineman as you can see Johnson would be the erd OT off the board in the top 10.
8. Buffalo Bills- Ryan Nassib, QB Syracuse- I can’t believe I am writing this but I can’t ignore the buzz around the league about this guy. Doug Marone the new coach of the Buffalo Bills knows this guy better than anyone else as his old coach at Syracuse and everyone seems to have this guy tied to Buffalo over the past week.  It’s a head scratcher for me though I just don’t see the value here, trade back possible. I can't believe you're writing that either. This potentiality reeks of that time when Steve Spurrier got the head job for the Redskins and immediately went out and got his old buddy Danny Wuerffel to be the franchise QB. 
9. New York Jets: Ziggy Ansah, DE BYU- The biggest boom or bust player comes off the board here in Ziggy Ansah who has the measurables to be one of the best players in this draft.  Mingo might be another option here but if Ansah is still on the board here I think it’s just too hard to pass him up here at number 9.
10. Tennessee Titans: Chance Warmack, OG Alabama- Tennessee has a lot of need on the O-Line even after signing Adam Levitre.  The Titans might also look at Jonathan Cooper here. who is generally considered a pretty comparable prospect.
11. San Diego Chargers: Jonathan Cooper, OG North Carolina- I predict that San Diego if both Warmack and Cooper are on the board at 10 San Diego will likely take which ever prospect Tennessee doesn’t.
12. Miami Dolphins: D.J. Fluker, OT Alabama- Fluker would be the  3rd Alabama player selected at this point in the draft.  After losing Jake Long, Miami will be looking to improve the Offensive line.
13. New York Jets via Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tyler Eifert, TE Notre Dame- With two picks in this round the Jets could go a number of ways drafting the best player available or moving back to select say a CB to replace Revis or a QB to compete with Sanchez.  They might be tempted to take Eifert here as the NFL has become obsessed with Tight Ends and Keller left in free agency.
14. Carolina Panthers: Star Lotulelei, DT Utah- If Star falls to 14 I believe that this will be a quick pick the Panthers need a DT and Star was once thought to be a top pick.  TO give you an example of how highly some experts think of him, scouts inc has him rated as the 3rd best player in the draft.  I believe he will drop but whoever he falls to will be very happy.
15. New Orleans Saints: Barkevious Mingo, OLB/DE LSU- Mingo is projected to go as early as 9 to the Jets in some mock drafts but I think he might drop a bit farther.  I do not think he will get past New Orleans at 15 he is too good of an athlete and will be a great player in the NFL.  If Mingo is gone New Orleans might look at Jarvis Jones from Georgia.
16. St Louis Rams: Tavon Austin, WR West Virginia- Most experts believe that St Louis will be choosing between Austin and Kenny Vaccaro at Safety out of Texas.  I think they make the choice to go after the play maker if he isn’t already gone at this point.
17. Pittsburg Steelers: Jarvis Jones, OLB Georgia: Looking for a replacement for James Harrison.  Jarvis might be your guy in Pittsburg. Pittsburg? Come on Herman, you're better than this. I love a good typographical error when the situation calls for it, believe me, but this one is inexcusable. I'll give the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe the H button on the keyboard was stuck and not responding; but even then, an H is too important of a letter not to at least try and improvise. Ever stop to think maybe that's what the weird vertical line thing playing second string to the backslash is for? You know, the one between the Delete and Enter keys, that you've been ignoring all these years? Pair a couple of those with a hyphen, you've got yourself a damn fine |-| (PITTSBURG|-|), and you can even pull out a good |n combo if you're looking to achieve more of a lower case look (pittsburg|n). 
18. Dallas Cowboys: Sheldon Richardson, DT Missouri: Monte Kiffin is in as the Defensive Coordinator in Dallas and he will be needing more talented defensive lineman on his defense.  Sheldon Richardson might be a gamble but he certainly fits that bill.
19. New York Giants: Xavier Rhoads, CB Florida State- Rhoads has great size and coverage ability.  I think that the Giants could go a number of directions with this pick but I think Rhoads would be a great value here.
20. Chicago Bears Alec Ogletree, MLB Georgia- As a Bears fan I am praying that if both Ogletree and Teo are available here that the Bears will take Ogletree.  Last year I was asking for Chandler Jones instead of Shea.  I think we can all agree who had the better season last year.  Perhaps we can expect more from Shea this year without Idonije on the roster yet. I have no idea who this Idonije guy is, but in reading this I'm picturing that scene in Office Space where the Bobs are going through the downsizing plan, and Peter finds out that Samir is about to be laid off.

"Samir...Idonije...Idonije...Idonije him to work HERE anymore, that's for sure!"

    21.   Cincinnati Bengals: Kenny Vaccaro, S Texas- Looking for a safety, the Bengals will take the best one in this draft.
   22.   St Louis Rams: Eric Reid, FS LSU- After taking Austin with their first pick I think that the Rams look to upgrade their secondary.  If they go a different direction with that first pick and Austin is gone at 22 look for them to take Cordarrelle Patterson out of Tennessee here.
   23.   Minnesota Vikings: Cordarrelle Patterson, WR Tennessee- Losing Percy Harvin, the Vikings will look to add a young play maker opposite of Greg Jennings.  Patterson is an excellent player at spot in the draft.
   24.   Indianapolis Colts: Sylvester Williams, DT North Carolina- Indianapolis needs to upgrade their defense, and they can start by taking the best defensive player available in Sylvester Williams.
   25.   Minnesota Vikings: Manti Teo, ILB Notre Dame- The Vikings need to upgrade their front seven and with two picks in the first round this year many think that the Vikings will be the team to select Manti Teo. I'm going to pass on this one. One of the problems with the Internet Age is that jokes (even really funny ones) seem to get old a lot faster than they used to. This whole Manti Teo thing has had its day in the sun, but let's just let the poor guy move on now. Seems like a well intentioned guy, I'd like to see him do well in the pros.

   26.   Green Bay Packers: John Cyprien, S Florida International- Replacing Charles Woodson is no easy task.  Cyprien could be a good start, as he is a big physical safety.

   27.   Houston Texans: Justin Hunter, WR Tennessee: Houston should be looking for a threat opposite of Andre Johnson here and Hunter is a great playmaker.  He has the potential to be a number 1 receiver himself. Is he one of the guys who took a crap on the floor or whatever at the Combine? All I heard is that they were wide receivers.

   28.   Denver Broncos: Bjoern Werner, DE Florida State- If Werner falls this far look for the Broncos to try to use this pick to fill the void left by Elvis Dumervil.

   29.   New England Patriots: Jamar Taylor, CB Boise State- Guessing what the Patriots will do in the draft is like guessing who Taylor Swift’s next boyfriend could be. It could be anybody and they very well might make it dramatic by trading picks. IVery solid analogy, you gotta be careful dragging T-Swift's name through the mud on any site that Nitch frequents though. My sources also tell me that Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers is rapidly moving up the Patriots' draft board after a good showing at the Combine.

   

   30.   Atlanta Falcons: Desmond Trufant, CB Washington- Atlanta will be needing help in the defensive back field and at defensive end over this draft and they will look for the best available player here at one of those positions.  In this scenario I believe it is Desmond Trufant who might be able to start from day one.

   31.   San Francisco 49ers: Zach Ertz, TE Stanford- I think that because of the flexibility that the 49ers have in this draft they will take the player that will help them to score points immediately.  Ertz has huge upside and is going to help out whatever team he ends up on.

   32.   Baltimore Ravens: Kevin Minter, LB LSU- The Ravens are doing an extensive overhaul after winning the Super Bowl.  They’ve lost a lot on the defensive side of the ball including Ray Lewis and Ed Reid. I believe they will look to address one of those positions here in the first round.  Minter seems to be a good value at this point in the draft and would be a great fit for the Raven’s defense. 

I don't know a whole lot about this sort of thing, but I'm pretty sure that these picks will be more accurate than the 97th revision of Tall Hair Kiper's "Big Board".  Thanks again to Herman for his guest appearance.

A Guide to March Madness: How (Not?) To Fill Out Your Bracket

With March Madness just around the corner, I thought it only fair to dedicate my comeback post to letting my loyal readers in on some powerful lessons that I’ve learned about filling out NCAA Tournament brackets. Unfortunately for all of you, everything that I know about brackets comes from nearly a decade and a half of watching my best friend cement his legacy as the Least Successful Bracket Picker in Northern Michigan history. In fact, some of the bracketeering strategies that you’ll find on this page are the very same tactics that landed Big Mitchy with 3 of the top 5 lowest scores (including last place and second to last) in the 2005 Harbor Springs Tournament Pool. It’s hard enough to win one of these things, but I’ll go on record to say that I think it’s even harder to get double last places.

Big Mitchy is notorious around the Great Lakes State for using the ‘shotgun approach’ to his pool sheets; he enters multiple bracket contests, and places multiple entries into each contest, adding up to anywhere between 7 and 10 total brackets in a given tournament year. Call me old-fashioned, but I’ve always felt that the spirit and sanctity of gambling on the athletic pursuits of 19 year old kids is somehow tarnished when some bad apple jumps in with nearly a dozen entries to increase their chances of winning. Maybe old age has just made me cynical. When questioned about this controversy in an exclusive interview, the Big Guy flashed an ‘aw shucks’ sort of closed-mouth grin and conceded, “Well, I do just love filling out brackets.” Back in high school, most of these brackets were entered into the Harbor Springs Pool, and my grievances about his high number of entries were quickly dismissed due to the fact that he never came anywhere close to winning on any of them.

So then what do some typical Big Mitchy brackets look like, you might ask? Here are some of his more common bracket templates (**Use at your own risk)

The “Holding Grudges” Bracket
This one is simple: Every team that he hates or that has a player that he hates gets picked to lose in the first round. This strategy backfired tremendously in 06’ and 07’ when Big Mitchy’s legendary hatred of Joakim Noah kept him from cashing in on back-to-back Florida national championships. Duke is usually involved here, for reasons that don’t need to be explained. Luke Harangody and his younger, uglier, and less talented twin Jack Cooley have ensured that Notre Dame be on this list for the last 6 years or so as well. I’m pretty sure Joey Dorsey from Memphis was also part of this (which is saying something, because he also happens to be a Dunks & Blocks guy).

 The “Teams That Big Mitchy Has Replica Basketball Shorts Of Will Meet in the Final 4” Bracket

This ends up being Michigan State, Arizona, Syracuse, and a second Michigan State team every time. It may be rudimentary as far as the thought process is concerned, but if there ever were a year where Big Mitchy can finally put it all together and pull off some winnings, this is probably the combination of teams that will do it.

 The “Darnton Madness" Family Tournament Pool

You need to have a strong showing in the early rounds to set yourself apart in this one, since they all invariably will pick Michigan State to go all the way every year. However, family bragging rights are typically the only thing at stake in this pool, so Big Mitchy doesn’t necessarily give his best effort in filling the rest of it out. Consequently, this is usually the highest scoring of his brackets.

 The “Dunks & Blocks Guys” Bracket

You know, I think to some degree, we all fill out a bracket like this. I mean, you have to be a real nerd to make your tourney predictions based on who sets the good screens and has good shot clock awareness. The reason the tournament is fun is because of the close finishes, the dunks, and the blocks. The rule instituted around 2003 that gives each team eleven time-outs in the final minute has made the close finishes a lot less fun, so what does that leave us with? You guessed it. If that means incorrectly picking Jeff Trepagnier’s USC to the 02’ Final Four (they lost to a 13 seed in the first round) based on one cool alley-oop highlight that you saw sometime in February, then so be it. I honestly don’t have much negative to say about this bracket, sometimes you’ll even see some Dunks & Blocks teams make a solid run (Michigan’s Fab Five, Auburn in 03’ Memphis in 08’, Kentucky last year). There’s not very much that I respect about Big Mitchy’s approach to tournament pools, but with the Dunks & Blocks bracket, I can make an exception.

**side note, I’m sick of hearing announcers talk about teams that “play the game the right way” or “the way it was MEANT to be played”. This usually refers to Duke, Indiana, the Ivy League teams, and the San Antonio Spurs.  It’s essentially a thinly-veiled euphemism for teams that have a lot of Caucasian players who set the good screens and take a lot of charges. Anyone familiar with James Naismith’s original game of Basket Ball will find that the game was originally intended to be played 9on9 with a tip-off after every basket. There were no picks. There were no charges. You weren’t even allowed to dribble. Oh, and they played using a soccer ball.  With these criteria in mind, I don’t think you’ll find a single team in the tournament this year that plays the game the way it was meant to be played. Any idiot who tells you differently is sadly mistaken.

**side note #2: I always think it's funny how in some basketball team pictures, you can pick out the one guy on the team who forgot their jersey on the day the picture was taken and has to wear something stupid looking. Imagine my surprise to find that this type of picture day mental lapse has been going on almost as long as the game itself. You'll notice in this team photo from the 1908-09 season that one guy on the Swastika team forgot to bring his Swastika jersey to practice on picture day and had to just wear the plain tank top instead. That's gotta be embarrassing.

 “The Funny Bracket”

The Funny Bracket is like Brent Favre’s fondness for Wrangler jeans: it’s annoying. Always has been…always will be. In Big Mitchy’s mind, however, The Funny Bracket is kind of the Holy Grail of bracketeering, the crown jewel of all “What If” scenarios. He puts all 15 and 16 seeds in the Final Four, just to see the look on everybody’s faces when he shows it to them. Sure, filling out this Funny Bracket is a waste of dollar, but it’s totally worth it. The upset angst, stat-checking, and flip-flopping of the 8vs9 games while filling out his nine serious brackets is all worth it knowing that he has the joy and catharsis of the Funny Bracket waiting on the other side.

A Final Thought About Brackets

He seems like a good guy and all, but I think we all could do without seeing an enlarged version of Barack Obama’s bracket every day on ESPN during this year’s tournament. First of all, Obama is not as good at basketball as he is made out to me. Despite the media’s claims that “Obama is a GREAT basketball player”, this is a guy who has a weird one-handed lefty set shot, rode the bench for his high school team in Hawaii, and plays once in a while when he isn’t busy presisding over the United States. Secondly, as a general rule, I make it a point to never take basketball advice from a guy who plays the game wearing the tucked in shirt and sweatpants with elastic around the ankles. Call me prejudiced, but I just can’t do it. Happy March Madness everyone; I hope this guide has cleared up any lingering concerns that you might have had heading into next week.

Draft Preview (part 3 of 3)

For the last day and a half, I thought I was going to get out of actually writing the third installment of the draft preview series. I had it all lined up: my colleague, Herman Munster, an avid NFL fan who does happen to like the draft, was going to write a guest blog where he takes a sort of point-counterpoint approach to debunking the claims that I made in part one. You know, he was going to prove that the NFL Draft doesn't suck, how it's actually really cool that it will be around 1 am when the first round finally wraps up, and that Mel Kiper is good guy. Not only would it have been a fascinating debate, but it also would have gotten me off the hook for part three. Alas, Herman Munster got lazy and reneged on his agreement, which now leaves me unsuccessfully scrambling for new material like I'm Seth MacFarlane. Speaking of which, the latest Family Guy preview implies that Peter and Quagmire will possibly have sex with each other in the upcoming episode. Now, Family Guy became unwatchable for me about three years back, and after 12 seasons or so it stands to reason that the well of plot lines is running pretty thin, but the lack of creativity and pathethic attempt at shock value gets worse and worse with every episode these days. I don't think anyone would argue if MacFarlane went out and said (years ago), "You know what? We had a pretty good run. I can't think of any new good ideas. What do you say we just shut er' down and let syndication of re-runs carry us off into the sunset so we can turn our creative focus to something different?"  At this point, an FGs writers' meeting must consist of little more than, "Alright, which characters haven't either gotten in a big fight or had sex with each other yet? Gender and coherence being irrelevant."

Anyway, with Munster out of the picture, I suppose the show must go on. After all, a promise is a promise Lieu-tenent Daaan!

Here are a few last minute happenings that may be of some interest to DTLs draft enthusiasts:

LAFFERTY, DANIEL...AND GILMORE, ...STEPHEN.

According to the 11th hour rumor mill, DTLs brass is trying to trade up to get a pick in the top 15, which they would use to take a defensive back, possibly Stephen Gilmore of Chouth Charolina. If Gilmore has received any tip-offs that he might become a Lion in about 5 hours, he isn't letting on.
[*Disclaimer: The following quote was taken from the Free Press, so bear in mind that it's probably either been taken out of context, or is just flat out incorrect.]
      "I haven't heard anything from Detroit, but that don't mean anything," said Gilmore. "I talked to them a lot at the combine. I didn't talk to them none after that, but that don't mean nothing because most of the teams that don't talk to you end up drafting you."

While I admire Gilmore's elegant use of the quadruple negative (grammar's equivalent of hitting for the cycle), his final comment leads me to believe that he doesn't quite understand how the draft actually works. Most of the teams that don't talk to you end up drafting you? Allow me to do the Jon Stewart goofy half-smile while staring into the camera for about the next four seconds.
"Hey Gilmore...only ONE team is allowed to draft each player...what you just passed off as common knowledge is in fact a procedural impossibility...just the way you never got into the NHL...ya' jack-ass!!"

MADDEN 13

After the events of yesterday, it might not be a bad idea for Mayhew to follow through on my ESPN Football Franchise Mode strategy of getting a lightning fast receiver in one of the later rounds, hoping that he'll develop into a breakout star. Despite my voting 20 times for Cam Newton (which is 20 more times than I've ever voted for a public official), Calvin still came away as the new poster boy for Madden '13. As we all know, being on the cover of the Madden video games is akin to being the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts: bad things happen. People say the position is cursed. Congratulations to Calvin for being really good, and popular, and muscular and whatnot, but am I the only who things that this might be a ploy orchestrated by the Saints to make bad things happen to the Lions? Was Mickey Loomis up on his computer for the past week, repeatedly voting for Calvin and using his illegal two-way spy device to talk to his cronies and convince them to do the same? Now I'm not saying I'm one of them conspiracy theorists, but I do know two things: (1) there were some awfully fishy happenings surrounding 9/11 (2) the last time a Lions player was supposed to be on the cover of Madden, he never played another game in the NFL. Just a few backyard sessions of Pass Defender with Scott Mitchell and Herman Moore.

If there's anyone powerful enough to reverse the Madden Curse, it's gotta be the Amazing Great. But just in case, I'd kind of like to get all Al Gore and request a recount for any votes cast in the state of Louisiana.

PLEASE DRAFT RESPONSIBLY

For those of you choosing to celebrate the 2012 NFL Draft, all I ask is that you stay safe, and shoot me a quick text when the Lions make a new pick every six hours or so.

Draft Preview (part 2 of 3): "The Lions should draft Woody Dantzler!"

A piece of evidence was brought to my attention earlier today [see here], suggesting that Mel Kiper Jr. not only reads my blog, but has also suddenly become self-conscious about his trademark slicked-back Tall Hair look. Who says that everything you read on Twitter is garbage?

In fact, I recently began entertaining the idea of opening my own Twitter account. I figured I haven't been acting Narcissistic enough over the past month or so, and tweeting could be just what the doctor ordered to make up some of that lost ground. To add fuel to the fire, loyal Bromolyte Nitch suggests that I give live Twitter updates (is there any other kind?) with my thoughts on each Lions draft pick as they happen this coming week. Seemed like a great idea at the time. However, blessed as I am with the ability of foresight, I began to envision what my Twitter account would eventually become if I went through with this: after a honeymoon period of a week or so where my tweets are chock full of depth, philosophy, and intellect (maybe an Edgar Allen Poe quote or two), it would quickly deteriorate into something more in the ballpark of, "aww man, jus took a wickd dump! reminds me of 1 dat @Nitch had back in college! #FECES! #HOLIDAY DINNER AT THE DORMS!"...
With that in mind, it's safe to say that I've put any more thoughts of a Twitter account on hold, at least for the time being.

Okay, time to shift gears. The two most exciting parts of the NFL offseason are almost here at last: the draft, and the beginning of NFL-sanctioned Organized Team Activities! And in order to put off talking about the draft for a little bit longer, let's talk about OTAs first.

OTAs, of course, are those special team bonding activities that take place in the months before training camp starts. It's okay if you've never heard of them before; I never had heard of them either until a few years ago, when the ESPN Bottom Line reported that Brent Favre hadn't been attending them for the Vikings. So what exactly is an OTA? Think little things, just some good clean fun to really bring everyone together before practice starts, like the memorable tug-of-war games at the annual Bengals staff picnic, or the New York Jets cramming into Mark Sanchez's living room every Wednesday night to share a bowl of popcorn and watch Friends DVDs. And to keep their football skills sharp during the OTA period, who can forget about those spirited games of Pass Defender?!

For those who don't know, Pass Defender is a classic backyard football game played with three players, each taking turns as the thrower, catcher, and defender (pass defender, to be specific). Bromolyte Big Mitchy claims to have invented this game circa 1999, but I'm actually fairly certain that it was first invented sometime in 1906, the year in which the forward pass was legalized, making "Smear the Queer" obsolete. In Pass Defender, the offense has four downs to score a TD; if they do indeed score, both offensive players get a point. If the the defender stops them, he gets a point. Turnovers are worth two. First to ten wins. Now in our backyard football primes, it was usually myself, Big Mitchy, and Bitts playing this game, but we threw an exciting twist into the game when Ahh Chreese W. joined us after school one day, adding a pass rusher to the equation. I really thought that Chris's presence could revolutionize the game of Pass Defender as we knew it; unfortunately, he got expelled from school a week later for threatening to shoot up the place and we never saw him again. True story.

Now that we're all up to speed on OTAs and the nuances of Pass Defender, I suppose I can't put off talking about the draft for any longer. So then, who should the Lions get? Ten years ago, my friend TS thought he had the answer. With a triumphant wave of the index finger, TS was convinced that with the 3rd overall pick of the 2002 NFL Draft, "the Lions should draft Woody Dantzler!"  You may or may not remember the former dual-threat quarterback from Clemson, and he didn't end up getting picked by the Lions, or anyone else in entire draft. The moral of the story here is that projecting specific players that your team should pick, especially when your knowledge of the situation borders on non-existent, is not a very good idea, and it only makes you an easy target for satire in the future. So than rather than try to pinpoint specific players that may not even be available by the 23rd pick, I'll give a round-by-round rundown of the positions that I would like to see the DTLs pick. My following mock draft all goes to shit if the Lions trade away any of their picks on draft day(s), which they probably will.  I hate the draft.

First Round (23rd pick overall): In my mind, it has to be an offensive lineman, preferably a tackle. On paper, cornerback may seem like a more pressing concern (especially considering the play of the secondary in the Week 17 debacle against the Packers and the playoff massacre by the Bounty-Hunting Eavesdropping Cheaters but for the franchise to succeed long-term, the priority needs to be finding a way to keep their potential Hall of Fame quarterback *as long as injuries don't derail him* healthy. A good O-line can't prevent everything, but it can prevent a lot of things, keeping in mind that the NFC North also happens to have the best and most vicious defensive linemen in the entire league.

Second Round (54th overall): Cornerback. Get the best cornerback available on Tall Hair's Big Board, make him a starter from day one, and ensure that Aaron Berry will never see the field again and can go back to being broke and miserable. Dre Kirkpatrick from 'Bama would fit the bill, but he'll probably be gone by this point. I'd have liked to see the Lions reunite Prince Amukamara with Big Dom last year, but they went with the high-risk/high-reward Fairley Oddparent instead. The jury is still out for Fairley (both on the field and in his marijuana possession case).

Third Round (85th overall): Honestly, I wouldn't mind seeing either another O-lineman or another cornerback with this pick. Depth in those positions is sorely lacking at this point, plus it increases the odds that at least one of them will end up being a star. The D-Line is basically set, the receivers and tight ends are set, and the running backs would be if they got healthy and stopped chewing weed in the offeason, so those position groups aren't a draft priority. With the amount of injuries (and poor play) from the secondary last year, I lean towards getting another corner.

Fourth Round (117th overall): I have no idea what kind of negotiations are happening with Shaun Hill's contract, but if they aren't going well, I would use this pick to grab a (hopefully) solid backup quarterback. You never know when the Saints assistant coaches will explicitly instruct them to try and injure Staff's ACL, bad news if it happens. Shauny did a solid job in 2010 when forced into duty, but if it's going to require big bucks to keep him, they might be better off with someone different and less expensive. For kicks, I'll toss a potential name in here for someone who I wouldn't mind having and is likely to be available: Kellen Moore. Now I don't like the Boise States one bit, and Moore is undersized and has a relatively weak arm, but make no mistake, the guy is a good football player. If not for numerous embarrassing last-second field goal gorfings, Boise State would have gone undefeated THREE years in a row, all with Moore as the starting QB. He's a guy that lives and breathes football, rarely turns the ball over, throws with excellent accuracy, and thrives in clutch situations, exactly what you would want out of a backup QB. As an added bonus, he played for three years with Titus Young, so they already have that chemistry built up.

Rounds 5 through 7: When I played Franchise Mode in ESPN football, I always used my late round picks to get the absolute fastest players remaining in the draft, usually receivers. This sometimes backfired on me, as I would have a guy with a 97 speed rating and 24 hands fumbling every other kickoff return. Other times it would pay off big time, as I would put a speed demon at tight end, watch a linebacker hopelessly try to guard him on pass plays, and suddenly my 6th round draft is a pro-bowler (getting selected to the Pro Bowl, not a professional bowler). On that note, Chris Forcier of the legendary Forcier Family supposedly ran a faster time on his 40 than Robert Griffin III. So... yeah.

As long as I'm conjecturing the DTLs drafting a Forcier, they might as well go all the way and try to add Bitch Rod to the coaching staff. How is Stafford at running the spread option?

NFL Draft Preview (Part 1 of 3)

Did you know? The NFL Draft is officially known as the NFL Annual Player Selection Meeting. That isn't very interesting.

It wouldn't do much good to hide the truth at this point, so I'll start things off with full disclosure: I don't like the NFL Draft very much. You could even say that I dislike the NFL Draft. The rest of this post will pretty much be me explaining why, as well as meditating on the contradiction of devoting three entire blog entries to the overblown spectacle that I've come to despise over the years. I've come up with three main bullet points here, in no particular order, to illustrate my distate. Enjoy.

THE COMBINE

Why are people so interested in the Scouting Combine, the week-long evaluation meat market that takes place 2 full months before the draft, yet somehow determines which round everyone will be drafted in?

Is it the thinly-veiled homoeroticism of old ugly men gawking at young attractive men in skin-tight spandex, before uncontrollably gushing over the astonishing feats that each can perform with his body? Is it the cruel irony of how these "experts" can diligently scrutinize four years of game film, yet still can't decide whether Robert Griffin III is good at football or not until they get a good look at his ass in spandex and see how many chin-ups he can do? As an aside, I find it annoying that football people still insist on referring to game footage as "tape" or "film". For those of you who have been living under Mel Kiper's hair for the last decade, the vast majority of video is captured digitally nowadays. But I digress, back to the combine...

As a DTLs fan, is it really worth getting excited about to hear that prospective O-lineman Matt Kalil had a solid showing in the 3 Cone Drill? So the guy ate a lot of ice cream, big deal. And this kind of crap gets top story news on SportsCenter! I apologize to all you combine enthusiasts out there, but I honestly can do without ESPN taking a week of my time to let me know who the Lions might choose two months from now, provided that none of the 22 teams in line ahead of them snatch the guy up first. Did someone say ESPN?

ESPN/Mel "Tall Hair" Kiper Jr.

Round-the-clock coverage on SportsCenter prior to the draft ranks third on my list of ESPN's most unforgivable football-related sins, behind cancelling "Playmakers" after one season (a vastly underrated fictional show starring Moe from Smart Guy) and introducing "First Person Football" mode to the ESPN Football video game. Am I seriously in the minority by actually wanting to watch sports highlights from the previous night, you know,  basketball 'Slam-jams' and what-not,  as I eat my Apple Cinnamon Cheerios each morning? The answer to my rhetorical question is YES, I am in the minority. Instead, what people seem to prefer is watching  non-athletes "Tall Hair" Kiper and Todd McShay on split screen, literally screaming at each other for four minutes straight, because Tall Hair more or less disagreed with McShay's assessment of Ryan Tannehill.

Without exaggeration, ESPN has now spent a solid three months devoting SportsCenter segments to a stupid DRAFT. Allow me to get all Allen Iverson for a few sentences here, because it's not like we're talking about some big championship game coming up...it's a DRAFT. It's not like somebody just scored a big touchdown in the closing seconds of a heated rivalry game...it's a DRAFT. We're not getting a behind the scenes look at what's happening in Iraq, or being prepared for the coming presidential election; a bunch of suits are telling us what they think might happen, in a football DRAFT.

THE NFL DRAFT ITSELF

On April 17th, 1999, I was mildly disappointed that had that my little league baseball practice conflicted with the first round of the NFL Draft, and I would have to miss out on seeing all the new guys that the Lions were going to add to the team. After all, practice was about two hours long, and I figure, since an NFL game lasts about three hours, it would probably take much less time for the commissioner to read off a bunch of names. That's fairly sound reasoning, no?

Needless to say, I was misinformed. I got home from fielding weak grounders that my coach/attorney shanked in my general direction, only to find that the Lions hadn't even made their first pick yet. "Are you kidding me?", I asked my stuffed animals. "What have they been doing all this time??" You see, unbeknownst to me, each team was given 15 minutes to waste before calling out the name of their new player. Only 8 picks had been made in the two hours that I had been away, and I was back just in time to pretend that I knew who Chris Claiborne was. At the conclusion of the two day ordeal, the DTLs had also picked up Sedrick Irvin (from Michigan State, Michael Irvin's smaller, weaker nephew or something) and Aaron Gibson (famous at Wisconsin for his inability to keep his weight below 390).

That 1999 Draft is a microcosm of what draft day has meant to me over the years: You get a few guys that you've never heard of, but "Tall Hair" Kiper says they're real good, a few guys that you've hated for four years because they went to MSU, but now you have to cheer for them, and then there's a few more guys with no chance to ever make the team anyway, so you just forget about them. And it's gotten worse since 1999. Instead of two full days of this garbage, now it's FOUR full days. I never thought I would see the day that a sports channel does a prime time broadcast, and four days of coverage, to what amounts to nothing more than a glorified board meeting. Board meetings suck, as does the NFL Draft, as does "Tall Hair" Kiper.

So then, why in tarnations am I dedicating a three part series on my site to something that I strongly dislike? Because, (a) apparently, that's what you idiots want, and (b) because it's not the idea of the Draft that I despise per se, so much as the unnecessarily prolonged spectacle that it's become. It is kind of interesting to see which new young guys could eventually become stars for your favorite team. However, I'm perfectly content just reading it in the paper on Monday morning, I don't need three months to prepare for it, and four days to witness it.

My next entry will be spent fantasizing about the great players that will all probably be gone before the 23rd pick.

In other news, I had a dream the other night in which the Lions won a close game in their season opener, and Jason Hanson gave me a signed game ball afterwards. Then, in a bizarre twist, he did a tomahawk dunk on a nearby basketball hoop. Simply put, the Best in the Business.