Ndominated

LIONS 40
Bears 32

Whenever I have to go somewhere with NFL Sunday Ticket in order to watch the DTLs game, I always get stuck watching without sound, because the sports bar invariably chooses a different game to put on the speakers. This gets pretty annoying during the actual game because it takes away from the atmosphere of the game and detracts from the overall experience. However, during the commercial breaks, it allows me to watch without context all of the lunacy that the network and their sponsors are peddling at the time, and I can fill in the silence by coming up with my own ideas of what the voiceover guy should be saying as each commercial plays.

Muted Commercial Break #1: "Tonight, on Animation Domination, it's the season premiere of Family Guy! Our writers haven't even been trying for about 6 years now, but the over-evolved orangutans at the network focus groups haven't seemed to notice! Watch a hilarious new repackaging of the plotless and unimaginative cartoon fight scene! Which combination of characters will have sex this week? Herbert and Tom Tucker maybe? Wouldn't be the stupidest thing we've thought of! Tune in, 9 o'clock on FOX."

Today was an absolute masterpiece of a first half for the Bromothymols. Reggie had a highlight reel touchdown run, Staffy and the Amazing Great, Calvin Johnson connected for a TD, Delmas had a huge play, Dom was raising all heck in the trenches, Spurlock made a big play with a 58 yard punt return to set up an easy TD, Cutler was forced into some huge errors, and Wormtail even made 5 catches and no drops.  Going into the half up 30-13 against your undefeated division rivals qualifies a sending a major message.

After last Sunday's game, Nitch asked me about my current feelings on Ndamukong Suh. That's a complex subject for me, and I couldn't give him a real answer at the time. Two years ago, I juxtaposed Dom as the anti-Bill Laimbeer, an immensely gifted player, but whose Bad Boy antics came at the worst times and often worked against his team's chances of winning. My Pops absolutely hates the guy, as he's made clear in a series of spirited emails over the past few weeks. I don't think I'll ever go so far as to call myself a true Dom Suh fan, but especially after games like today, I think I can make peace with what he offers to the team. He is always going to hop back and forth from jaw-dropping displays of strength to "blue collar" plays that earn him fines and suspensions. After watching him play possibly his finest game as a Lion to date, with 4 solo tackles and two sacks (including gift-wrapping a fumble-6 to Nick Fairley, who did a pretty good Leon Lett impression on his TD celebration), I think I have my answer for Nitch: Dom Suh can be thought of as the Steve Stifler of the NFL; some of the crap he pulls is indefensible, but at the end of the day, he brings far too much to the table for the boys to stop hanging out with him. Today, the Suhmeister chipped in for that summer beach house, setting the tone for Jim, Oz, Finch, and even Eugene Levy to get everything they wanted out of the arrangement.

Muted Commercial Break #2: "On this week's episode of New Girl, one of the main characters gets punched in the penis! Will it cause him to get that weird sensation where it feels like your stomach hurts? Find out, Tuesday night on FOX!"

I'm still having a hard time believing that Reggie Bush is on the Lions. A lot of people forget just how electric of a player he was back in his college days, where he ran wild over defenses from the conference formerly known as the Pac 10. As the superstar on a USC team loaded with superstars, Reggie legitimately looked like a faster version of Barry Sanders, and probably should have had to return two Heisman trophies if the voters knew what they were doing. He hasn't exactly been a perennial All-Pro guy as an NFL player, but I think part of that is due to the unreal expectations that people had for him, putting a target on his back for opposing defenses since day 1, and partly due to him never really being in an offense that plays to his strengths. Through three games, Reggie has made it clear that he still has the explosiveness that made him one of the top five college players I've seen in my lifetime, and with Calvin and Staff generating so much attention from defenses already, there really isn't a better scenario for Reggie to operate out of the backfield as both a running and receiving threat. As part of the Lions' dominating first half today, Reggie had that spectacular touchdown run, hurdling over a potential tackler before turning on the jets towards the corner of the end zone, and later putting on an eye-popping spin move/juke combo that will have Cartoon Chris Berman shouting WHOOP!! a few times when reviewing the game highlights.

Muted Commercial Break #3: A.man and woman just pulled off a good victory in their semi-competitive mixed doubles tennis match. Something about the filter in the camera lens tells me that this is going to be a Cialis commercial. Sure enough, after another ten seconds or so of suburban tranquility scenes, the Cialis logo pops up on screen. My communication studies degree certainly hasn't gone to waste. 
"When the moment is right...will you have remembered to pack your erection pills in your tennis bag before heading to the country club?"

After going up 40-16 in the fourth quarter, the Lions still couldn't quite slam the door shut and completely put the game away, similar to the Minnesota game. A Joique Bell fumble and a few touchdowns and two point conversions put Chicago within an on-side kick's reach of making things very interesting. The boys just can't make things easy. Only after Kris Durham (who to my surprise is actually developing into a pretty serviceable player) recovered his second consecutive on-side try could we officially say that the Lions are in first place in the NFC North. They've had late fourth quarter leads in all four games, haven't yet trailed by double digits, and certainly haven't had to frantically erase 20 point second half deficits like too often in '11. They've already snapped one long road losing streak, and look to put an end to an even longer one at Lambeau Field next week. With the Packers off to a sluggish 1-2 start, this looks like the perfect time to pay them a visit. Dom Raiola seems to think so at least, doing Aaron Rog's championship belt celebration while trying to take credit for Reggie's 37 yard TD run this afternoon.

Lions to ditch Run n' Shoot offense in favor of Hot n' Ready

Back when I lived in Ann Arbor, me and Bromolyte Big Todd had a Sunday afternoon tradition where after watching the Lions game together, win or lose, we would head over to Little Caesars and then stop at the Circle K gas station for some Polar Pops (Polar Pop, for the uninitiated, is a 32 ounce styrofoam barrel filled to the brim with a cool portion of fizzy maroon Dr. Pepper, selling for the unheard of bargain of 59 cents each. Todd, if you're reading this, you need to check out this coupon). As Big Todd drove us home from this postgame rite of passage, I would always sit with the pizza boxes on my lap, clutching them tightly no matter how much the steaming Hot n' Readys burned my thighs. Todd used to laugh at me, but I always warned him, "Listen man, if these things accidentally slide off the seat, I don't want you to go reaching for them and lose control of the car and crash into the median and break your arm." He would scoff at me. Come on ya' big dummy, that sort of thing would never happen.

When I first learned that pizza played a key role in Nate Burleson's car accident last night, I assumed that he must have made the classic mistake of eating more than 2 slices of Pizza Hut, caught a bad case of food poisoning, and unavoidably crashed his SUV while violently puking out the side window. Been there, done that, perfectly understandable. However, imagine my anguish when I found out that by simply having a cautious friend like me along for the ride, this whole thing would have never happened.

**A quick public service announcement to avoid making this rookie mistake**
If you must drive alone with pizza:
-Full Pie: Put a seatbelt on it.
-Single Slice: You just gotta eat that shit before you leave. You're either going to splatter cheese and sauce all over your shirt when you hit the breaks, or even in the best case scenario, your steering wheel is going to be all greasy and slippery by the time you're done eating. You're better than that.

Whenever a Lions player does something stupid enough to make the news, there's always a mixture of embarrassment and resentment toward that player that festers inside of me in the following days. However, in Nate Burleson's particular incident, I don't really feel that, because not only is he among my favorite DTL players, but this also just looks like a case of a good guy making a tiny mistake and just getting absurdly unlucky. How am I supposed to get angry about a rogue slice of za? The fact of the matter is, it certainly could have been something a whole lot worse. As Lions fans, can't we be thankful that at least he didn't crash because of doing something like changing clothes and shaving while watching porn on the in-dash DVD player or something? The poor guy was just trying to prevent the cheese and pepperoni from getting all stuck to the lid and leaving that weird and unappetizing visual of only crust and sauce that kind of resembles a fresh wound. It's not like Nate was being overtly reckless or stupid in his pizza rescue mission either. I mean, I remember when me and Big Mitchie used to pull some pretty idiotic practical jokes while cruising the streets of Harbor Springs back in the day. Like "the Ghost" trick, where I would steer the truck from the passenger seat while Big Mitchie ducked all the way under the windshield, making it look from the outside like there was just a passenger but then nobody driving the car. Now that was stupidity; Nate was just trying to grab a quick late-night slice. And finally, at least he didn't crash his car and break his arm because a stripper smashed a champagne bottle over his head. I would have a hard time justifying that one, but that stuff happens sometimes, believe me. It's bad PR.

Those who know me and the questionable content that passes for "humor" amongst my group of friends won't be surprised at all to hear that my phone quickly started filling up with pizza-related humor this afternoon as the Burleson story surfaced. Some things truly never change, and the top 3 things that keep us united still seem to be the Lions, pizzas, and ripping on whoever happened to make the most recent embarrassing mistake. I love Nate Burleson as much as anyone (in a 'I enjoy the way you play football' sort of way), but if he's going to be treated like one of the guys, I guess it's his turn to get ripped on. After all, me and Nitch once howled with laughter as our boy H took about 25 minutes to old-man hobble across an intersection on a torn ACL.

In October 2005, what started off as a typical Friday in my high school cafeteria quickly turned ugly when a pre-pubescent freshman named Ricky cried out in falsetto frustration from the front of the line,
"WHAD'DA FUGG?!? THERE'S NO MORE FUGGIN' PEETCHA!!"

I'm sure we all wish that there was no more fuggin' peetcha left at the Lions Monday Night Funny YouTube Video Watching Party yesterday evening, but like I said, I can't blame Nate or even get mad about this this one. It looks for all the world like he'll be spending the next few months chugging Polar Pops on the sideline, but then again that's not necessarily such a bad ending for what must have been a pretty scary situation. I'll be back in Michigan in late December and might even get over to Ford Field when the H-Bromos clinch their playoff berth against the Giants. If Nate wants to grab a few Hot n' Readys after the game to celebrate, I'll let him ride shotgun and protect the goods while I drive us to Circle K. Wishing him a speedy recovery.

NBA Gryffindor

Ahh Gryffindor, the house we all envision ourselves being sorted into, before reality kicks in and gently reminds us that Hufflepuff is probably our absolute best case scenario. As it stands, NBA Gryffindor deftly mixes raw athleticism with grit and veteran leadership to make them a very tough matchup for any of their rival houses.

CHASERS: Derrick Rose, Monta Ellis (MIL), Paul Pierce (BOS)

Rose- I'm sick of all the negativity, especially coming from Chicago Bulls fans, regarding Rose's decision to sit out the entire season following the cursed ACL that he suffered last April. People seriously think it would have been worth it to risk his career just to jump into the Miami series completely rusty and probably lose in 5 games anyway? If the guy said he didn't feel ready, I have to take his word for it. He was criticized for making what Bulls fans/management seemed to imply was a cowardly decision, but he never wavered in conviction despite pressure from the organization and the city. I'll let Albus Dumbledore take it from here. "There are all kinds of courage. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends." I therefore award ten points to Mr. Derrick Rose.

Ellis- Say what you will about Monta, but the defining characteristics of this undersized scorer are his fearless drives to the basket, often while taking hits from much larger players in the process. For me, this courage overrules whatever negative feelings one might have about his arguably selfish style of play. On the opening disclaimer, I admitted that certain players were sorted in their respective houses for no other reason than "just because", and Monta just seems like a Gryffindor to me. For this team, his attacking style will bring more to the table than it takes away.

Pierce- It is common practice for Hogwarts students to spend seven years in the same House they were originally sorted into. However, it is an increasingly rare feat for an NBA player to do the same thing. With that in mind, the fact that Pierce has remained in Boston for twice that long is certainly worthy of mention. As the loyal elder statesman of Gryffindor, Paul Pierce stuck with the historically elite team during one of their darker periods, and then led the way during their return to glory a decade later, forever endearing himself to supporters of the club. Now reaching the twilight of his career, it's unclear just how long Pierce's old Shooting Star broomstick will be able to hold out. However, once he finally decides to hang it up, it is certain that his #34 robes will be raised in honor to the common room rafters, and Paul George of the Pacers seems poised to take his spot as the next great Gryffindor Chaser.

BEATERS: Kenneth Faried (DEN), Blake Griffin (LAC)

Faried and Griffin- The lazy answer here would have been to put Brook and Robin Lopez as the Beaters for Gryffindor, and try to pretend that just by being twins, they are in any way similar to Fred and George Weasley. I just can't see it, and the Stanford-educated Lopez twins would be in Ravenclaw anyway, which leads to a much, much, much better solution for the Winged Lions.

Just as Oliver Wood once described the Weasley twins, Faried and Griffin are "like a pair of human bludgers themselves." In putting together this lineup, I cracked a smile every time this scene was conjured in my mind:

  

Kenneth Faried, on a Comet 260, with dreadlocks that would make Lee Jordan jealous flowing in the breeze; Faried ferociously winds up his bat to smack a high-arcing bludger in the general direction of the Ravenclaw chasers. Meanwhile, on his custom KIA Cleensweep, extra long red robes stamped with that #32, Blake Griffin powerfully rises up to meet the heavy bludger at its peak, wooden bat extended , the unsuspecting Ravenclaw chaser just below...

BAM!!! Welcome to Bludge City!!!

I don't think you can find a more entertaining combo than "the Manimal" and "the Hippogriffin" at this position.  

GOALKEEPER: Tyson Chandler (NYK)

Chandler- This guy is completely defensive minded, and the quiet toughness he's become known for in helping the Mavs win the title in 2011 and return the Knicks to some level of prominence has gone somewhat underappreciated. Operating mainly behind the scenes seems to be how Chandler likes things, which provides a nice contrast to the egotistical antics of former Keeper Cormac McLaggen and the mental toughness of a teaspoon shown time and again from Ronald Weasley. We all know that the Goalkeeper position really doesn't have much impact on the result of a quidditch match anyway, so the veteran leadership and intangible team chemistry that Chandler provides will probably have a bigger effect than anything he actually on the field.

SEEKER: Rajon Rondo (BOS)

Rondo is the clear cut choice to be named All-Hogwarts First Team at Seeker, which means that he would almost certainly be named league MVP.  With long arms, huge hands, and a wispy but strong frame, Rondo was born to play seeker. As for the pre-requisite courage to get into Gryffindor, look no further than his gritty performance against Miami in the 2011 playoffs, when renowned cheapshot artist Dwyane Wade performed his rogue bludger act yet again. As far as seemingly effortless agility goes, Rondo is a Firebolt among Cleansweeps, and his extraordinary court vision ensures that his eyes will likely find the snitch first. He differs from Potter in this regard, who more than once had to rely on blind luck and superior equipment to catch it during his vastly overrated career at Hogwarts.

Just like almost every year, I see this being a two horse race between Gryffindor and Slytherin, with some wildly entertaining games featuring Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff mixed in. Rumor has it that Dumbledore has been practically begging Nitch to set up a Play On Sports account for Hogwarts, just  to get some of these must-see quidditch matches streamed online. I'd imagine that Nitch then pointed out that wizards don't even have internet and politely declined.

That's it for the NBA Hogwarts series, unless I go soft and throw out a feature on Beauxbatons and Durmstrang. For now, I want to hear any opinions and predictions that Bromolytes have for this hypothetical and completely irrelevant quidditch season. Who is bringing home the Larry O'Brien Quidditch Cup this year?

NBA Ravenclaw

It's really a shame that Ravenclaw gets so little mention throughout the entire Potter series. Yes, we know they're the house with most of the smart kids, and that their famous founder had a lost diadem (though we're still not entirely sure about what a diadem even is), but other than that, Ravenclaw's many accomplishments are either brushed aside or ignored completely. For example, Ravenclaw gave us the one and only Roger Davies, Hogwarts's leading ladies man. In addition to hooking up with Fleur Delacour in the bushes at the Yule Ball, making out with unnamed hotties at Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop, and keeping Cho Chang back after quidditch practice to "discuss tactics" on numerous occasions (I'm making the last one up, but it doesn't take a very large leap of faith to assume that this happened), Davies also captained a fine quidditch side and being a Ravenclaw, would probably have also earned 10+ passing O.W.L. marks. I can only think: Why doesn't this guy get more ink?? For all of Cedric Diggory's accolades, Diggory is really nothing more than a poor man's Roger Davies when you really give it some thought. In retrospect, it wouldn't be too difficult to sell me on the theory that when rigging the Goblet of Fire, Barty Crouch Jr. also fudged the ballots to ensure that Diggory would be chosen, sparing Roger Davies in the end.

As for quidditch, I'm also pretty sure that Ravenclaw won the Quidditch Cup in Book 1, a result that was completely ignored. We know that Slytherin was set to win the House Cup until Dumbledore went all David Stern on them, but it doesn't it make sense that a 2-1 Ravenclaw team who absolutely demolished Gryffindor (when Oliver Wood made the puzzling decision to play no Seeker 6v7 rather than find a replacement for the injured Harry) would finish with a higher aggregate score than a 2-1 Slytherin? The end result is still in dispute (Wikipedia says it was Ravenclaw, HP Lexicon says it was Slytherin), but my gut tells me that the Ravens pulled a surprising upset and JK didn't feel like telling us about it because she was too busy trying to get us to like Hagrid.

Sorting students into your house based solely on intelligence might help you achieve higher O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. scores, but it generally isn't considered the best way to put together a powerhouse quidditch team.  However, Ravenclaw's steady display of strong defense, and methodical and intelligent style allows them to perennially overachieve on the pitch and sometimes even find themselves in contention for that coveted Cup. I think there's a certain Roger Davies swagger that must come with the territory of playing ball for Ravenclaw too.

CHASERS: Danny Granger (IND), Jeremy Lin (HOU), James Harden (HOU)

Granger- There are very few people in this world who are smart enough to get accepted into Yale. There are fewer who get accepted into Yale but turn down the offer. There are even far fewer who are good enough at basketball to get accepted into the NBA. As for people who fall into all three categories? To my knowledge, I'm pretty sure we're just left with Danny Granger. Choosing the prestigious academic reputation of the University of New Mexico rather than you know, YALE, Granger forever forfeited a shot at getting into Skulls and Bones, but hindsight being 20/20, I think it's safe to say he made the right call. As for being one of the smartest players in the NBA, let's just say he wouldn't be the first Granger to be referred to as "an insufferable know-it-all".

Lin- Speaking of the Ivy League, New Mexico must have waitlisted Linsanity just like the New York Knicks did, so he had to settle for safety school Harvard. Seeing as Ravenclaw is essentially the Harvard of Hogwarts, do I even really need to give a further explanation as to why he might be sorted there? Put in the idea of the most overlooked basketball player of our generation being placed into the most overlooked of the 4 houses, the decision becomes a no-brainer Although, based on his very poor performance during Houston's first round playoff exit this spring, Ravenclaw might want to think about going back to Cho Chang to fill their diversity quota. 

Harden- James Harden is another guy that the Sorting Hat had a hard time time with, and quidditch Captain Shane Battier had an even harder time deciding whether Harden's patented "Old Man Game" style of play would successfully transfer to the pitch. It's common knowledge that Harden is, kinda weird, but it's even commoner knowledge that he's both an athletic and crafty player that can flat out score the quaffle, and he'll be at the top of the league in penalty shots almost every year. 

BEATERS: Kevin Love (MIN), Luol Deng (CHI)

Love and Deng- With this pairing, I see a more calculated and refined physicality than what Slytherin brings to the table. Both of these players are known for their strong work ethic and high basketball IQ (Love with rebounding/passing and Deng on the defensive end). This is a pair of Beaters that will be able to match Slytherin's toughness without losing their heads, and will likely be able to simply outwork and outsmart Hufflepuff. Growing up in South London, I can only imagine how many glorious journeys to Diagon Alley that Luol Deng must have made in his youth.

GOALKEEPER: Shane Battier (MIA) *Captain

Battier- Generally regarded as 'the smartest player in the NBA', Battier also has the distinction of being one of the few players in league history who have been able to sustain a 12 year career based almost entirely on getting in other people's way and then falling down. This knack for playing the angles and finding ways to disrupt things will pay off big at the Keeper position. While most of his saves will likely come from taking charges on opposing Chasers rather than actually blocking the quaffle, I suppose you have to prevent goals any way you can. Given his intelligence and Hermione's undeniable penchant for quidditch-playing men, would having an emotional range anywhere higher than "a teaspoon" give Battier a chance?

SEEKER: Mike Conley Jr. (MEM)

Conley- A year or two ago, this spot is filled by Steve Nash, whose exceptional coordination and court vision would have given him a stranglehold on the position for the past decade. And also because Bromolyte Nitch would be very upset to go through four of these posts without a single Nash mention. He still might be a little upset that Nash is over the hill and probably only hanging around Hogwarts as gamekeeper at this point, so if you see Nitch on the street, just to be safe you might tell him that you think Clay Aiken is a great singer, and stuff. 

As for Mike Conley, the Sorting Hat looked past the pure-bloodness of having an Olympian triple jumper for a father and instead saw the incredibly high quidditch IQ that he possesses and the ability to rise to the challenge as somewhat of an underdog. Thanks in large part to his strong play in the playoffs so far, Conley has the Grizzlies inching closer and closer to the franchise's first ever Finals appearance. And don't worry about Steve Nash--I'm sure he'll soon be promoted to a Care of Magical Creatures teaching position that would be just as undeserved as his two MVP awards.

NBA Slytherin

Introducing...that OTHER team in green that we all love to hate!

CHASERS: Stephen Curry (GS), Brandon Jennings (MIL), Kobe Bryant (LAL)

Jennings: In perhaps the most controversial decision in Slytherin since former captain Marcus Flint was granted an 8th year of eligibility (he's a 6th year in Book 1, yet still around in Book 3), Brandon Jennings chose to go play at Durmstrang for a year, rather than submit to the "first years can't have brooms" (unless you're the once and future savior of wizarding kind) rule at Hogwarts. That sort of audacity landed him an immediate spot in Slytherin when he returned to the UK, and he quickly established himself as a chaser's chaser, scoring 55 points in one of his first career matches (to keep the basketball/quidditch parallel from falling apart here, I'll let you determine how he was credited for 5 1/2 goals). On a team that's loaded with talented gunners, it remains to be seen whether Slytherin is indeed where Jennings "makes his real friends", as the old Sorting song goes.

Kobe: If the Chamber of Secrets were opened today, one could make a pretty solid case that Kobe is the Heir of Slytherin. As far as ambition (Salazar's favorite personality trait) goes, has the NBA ever had a more shamelessly ambitious player in its history? No. How about pureblood status? His father, Joe "Every Flavor Bean" Bryant had a long and prosperous career back when Armando Dippet was Headmaster at Hogwarts. The guy's nickname is "the Black Mamba", so I think we can pretty much guarantee that he's a Parselmouth, Sal Slytherin's claim to fame. Imagine the look on Pau Gasol's face the first time he was harshly bitched out in Pareseltongue after yet another dropped quaffle. As for potential Death Eater ties, one can look no further than that weird knee operation he had over in Germany last year to rejuvenate his knees to their younger form. Exactly how much unicorn blood is mixed in during this Regenokine procedure? Add this together, and Kobe playing chaser for Slytherin is the absolute best fit on the entire list.

Curry: Is Stephen Curry a "bad" guy? No, it doesn't seem like it, so then why would I put him in Slytherin?  I'll start off by making a quick note of his status as a pureblood (his pops Dell had a long and productive NBA career in the 90s) before moving on to what I feel is a basic misconception about Slytherins that JK Rowling doesn't do much to dissuade us from. Just because all Dark Wizards (whatever that even means) supposedly have come from Slytherin, that doesn't necessarily mean that all Slytherins are Dark Wizards. And as it's Hagrid who first lets Harry know that "there's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin", I'll point out that Hagrid is an idiot, and this statement is incorrect anyway. For instance, Grindelwald "went bad", and became an infamous Dark Wizard. Grindelwald went to Durmstrang and could therefore not have been in Slytherin. Now, if Hagrid was specifically referring to just the Hogwarts wizards, he needs to clarify this point, to avoid making yet another of his prejudiced and insensitive comments that he always seems to get a free pass for just because he's Hagrid. 

Back to Stephen Curry. The trait that solidifies him in my mind as a clear-cut Slytherin is his annoying tendency to get 'cooled up' too much when playing basketball.  To those unfamiliar with the term, 'getting cooled up' can best be defined as "a noticeable difference in behavior or mannerisms as a direct result of doing something unexpectedly awesome".  If this doesn't quite make it clear,  feel free to check out the greatest and most accurate film depiction of what it means to be getting cooled up, from Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character during the scene right after he has sex for the first time in "500 Days of Summer". That should clear up any confusion you might have about the term.

Make no mistake, Curry is an incredible player, and watching him completely take over for an entire quarter or half at Oracle Arena is absolutely thrilling. However, for someone with his skill level, every time he hits 2 or 3 shots in a row, he doesn't need to get that amused/pretending to be shocked smile on his face, start clapping his hands slower and more precisely, or hop around all over the court. Michael Jordan put on one of the greatest shooting streaks in NBA history when he hit 6 threes in a row against Portland in the Finals (and remember, Jordan was not a good three point shooter)--and yet he only got cooled up ONE time (the shoulder shrug towards press row) during all of this. With that as the standard, it becomes clear that Stephen Curry might be overdoing it a little. James Potter was the same way when he spotted the snitch and knew that it was just a short time until he caught it and ended the game. Snape hated this, but couldn't quite verbalize it to Harry decades later, saying that James used to "strut around the castle" in his day. Harry was deeply offended. "My father didn't strut. He got cooled up". And so does Stephen Curry. 

BEATERS: Reggie Evans (BKN), Omer Asik (HOU)

Evans and Asik: Slytherin has long been notorious for having sheer brawn and intimidating physicality as their only criteria at this position (rather than, you know, any skill at all), leading to some famously goonish beater combinations. However, not even Bole and Derrick, or Crabbe and Goyle (I always suspected that JK just threw those guys on the team so she wouldn't have to make up two new meaningless characters) could hold a candle to the brutish front-court that NBA Slytherin has put together. Neither can make a free throw to save their lives, but I'm pretty sure that Evans and Asik have by now stumbled upon most, if not all, of the possible ways to commit a foul in basketball, though the number is considerably less than the 700 possible quidditch infractions.

GOALKEEPER: Kevin Garnett (BOS) *Captain

Garnett: This legendary trash talker brings a fierce mean streak and competitiveness to the lineup. In describing Slytherin, the Sorting Hat was not kidding around when he mentioned that "those cunning folk use any means/To achieve their ends". Even if those means require researching your opponents' insecurities and creating as derogatory of insults as possible to exploit said insecurities. Can you imagine the riot that would break out in the Great Hall on game day when Garnett starts barking obscenities about Harry's deceased parents across the breakfast table? 

"Hey Potter, your mom tastes like Chocolate Frogs!!! At least, She USED TO!!"

One of these days, Garnett is going to get a Sectumsempra, and it's going to be completely justified.

SEEKER: Chris Paul (LAC) *Prefect

Paul: Undeniably talented, ambitious, with a squeaky clean PR image to go along with countless ministry donations and sports-potion commercials, Chris Paul is the man around the Slytherin dungeons. With Paul's superb snitch-handling skills, Slytherin is immediately a threat to win every game he plays in. However, despite pressure by Snape to promote this prefect to Head Boy, Dumbledore hesitates. He seems to see a more sinister side to this pupil, a side that the glowing Daily Prophet headlines don't quite catch. Looking beneath the surface, is Chris Paul's "never say die" competitiveness on the quidditch pitch a not-so-subtle indication of Death Eater activity once his playing career is finished?

They're arrogant, they're mean, and they're thuggish, but let's face it, this Slytherin team is flat out loaded. At this point, they're heavy favorites to take home the Larry O'Brien Quidditch Cup and add to the Slytherin dynasty. 

Ravenclaw's intelligent but ultimately pedestrian lineup will be released next.

What if NBA players went to Hogwarts instead?

The first time Oliver Wood explained the game of quidditch to Harry Potter, Harry remarked, "so--that's sort of like basketball on broomsticks with six hoops, isn't it?"

Now, Wood figured that he was a little too Wizard to admit that he knew what Harry was talking about, but I like to think that a small lumos clicked in Wood's brain that day, because it certainly did in mine. Despite knowing nothing about quidditch at the time, Harry was on to something; quidditch is  sort of like basketball on broomsticks with six hoops, and there are no athletes better suited to filling the various positions on a quidditch team than basketball players. You have long and athletic shot-blockers to play Goalkeeper,  bulky power forwards are your natural Beaters, small forwards and shooting guards become Chasers. That leaves you with the point guards whose fast hands, agility while weaving through traffic at high speeds, and preternatural ability to see the entire court at once make them the ideal Seeker in a quidditch match.

Taking this concept and fleshing it out a little bit, I decided to craft a hypothetical scenario where all NBA players are wizards, many of them attend Hogwarts, and the best and brightest get chosen to represent their houses in a quest to bring home the Larry O'Brien Quidditch Cup at the end of the season. All I ask is everyone sets their time-turners back to about 5 years ago when Hogwarts was still relevant and pretend that the window for this type of topic didn't close a long time ago.

Before I get rolling with this, I want to make a few clarifications regarding the Sorting process:

- The Sorting Hat will place players into each of the four Hogwarts houses, based on the attributes that the school's founders valued the most. Duh.
- Anyone looking for a cheap, "The Miami Heat is Slytherin. Hee hee hee!" might as well stop reading right here. This isn't the right blog for you.
- This is not a list of who I think are the best 28 players in the NBA. Style of play, personality, and transfer of basketball skills to quidditch are my criteria here, as well as the occasional "just because". For example, Monta Ellis just seems like a Gryffindor to me, even though others might say Slytherin. Remember, "It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
- I mentioned transfer of skills. This is big for a guy like Dirk Nowitzki, who just doesn't seem to have the skill set to succeed in quidditch. He'd be just as slow and clumsy on broomstick as on a bball court, and his high-arcing shot would have a predictable trajectory for any goalkeeper worth his salt to track and save. Nitch once tried to convince me that the same is true of LeBron, but I disagree. LeBron could dominate at every position, just like in basketball. The only one where he might conceivably struggle is at seeker; even then, Cedric Diggory was oversized for a seeker too, and he was still able to hand Potter the first loss of his career. I chose not to include LeBron in this list, but not because he isn't a capable player. Think of his omission as something in the vein of Charlie Weasley, who likely could have played on England's national team if he hadn't decided to take his talents to Romania.
- Ironically enough, no player from either the Magic or the Wizards made the cut (but great for Washington, getting Albus Dumbledore to be their logo).

With that, I'll let the sorting begin. I've chosen to unveil Team Hufflepuff first, with the other rosters being released at a later time.

CHASERS: Russell Westbrook (OKC), Kevin Durant (OKC), *Captain/Prefect Kyrie Irving (CLE)

Durant- You can draw a lot of Cedric Diggory parallels with Kevin Durant. In any other era, he's a once-in-a-generation superstar who is showered with post-season awards and wins multiple championships. However, he's a player who seems to be entering his prime at the worst possible time, competing against another once-in-a-generation superstar who is better than him, has better teammates than him, and will likely steal away many possible championships from him. Diggory had the misfortune of having 2 full years of his quidditch career cancelled (Books 2 & 4) right when he seemed to finally be in position to finally deliver Hufflepuff their first Cup in ages. He then missed what would have been his 7th year at Hogwarts due to death, and the one year that he had a fair chance at a championship (Book 3) happened to be the most competitive top-to-bottom that the Hogwarts league had been in decades. Even after pulling a big upset against Potter and Gryffindor, there was still a stacked Slytherin team standing in the way. Once again, this year Durant is having yet another fantastic season that would win him the MVP award in most seasons, but with LeBron performing at an otherworldly rate, at this point poor KD evokes Diggory at the Little Hangleton graveyard. Wrong place, wrong time.

Westbrook- As with Seamus Finnigan, the Sorting Hat sat on Russell's head for an exceptionally long time before making a final decision. There was a thirst to prove himself that Slytherin would have admired and definite courage that he could put to good use in Gryffindor (though his questionable quidditch IQ may disqualify him from a Ravenclaw placement). However beneath the surface there lies a loyalty to his team and the hint of an inferiority complex in his style of play that make Hufflepuff a best fit in this case. 

Irving- I don't know whose shoes would be harder to fill: Lebron's when he left Cleveland, or Diggory's when he was tragically taken from Hufflepuff. In either case, Kyrie Irving is the second coming, both for the Cavs and Hufflepuffs. He has inherited a trampled and heartbroken franchise who questions whether it can ever love again after losing their one shining beacon of hope. He has incredible talent, and is given the honors of quidditch Captain and house Prefect at a young age. An impossible battle to fight, he must instinctively know that the only way out of this fallen hero's shadow is by delivering a championship, one that seems harder to come by with each passing year. All hope isn't necessarily lost though; Durant and Westbrook alone would give Hufflepuff a chaser corps as good as anyone, and adding Kyrie Irving to the mix only magnifies the impact that this unit can have on a match. 

BEATERS: Josh Smith (ATL), Andre Iguodala (DEN)

Hufflepuff takes athleticism and temperament over sheer brawn at Beater, a position where Smith and Iguodala will thrive. However, for all their athleticism, these players are not exactly known around the league as being enforcers. Against Slytherin's thug tactics, their main role is likely to be serving as bodyguards for their Seeker, and with everything on the line, the main question is whether these "nice guys" have the toughness to stand up to Salazar's Brutes with a Quidditch Cup on the line.

GOALKEEPER: Dwight Howard (LAL)

As a quidditch keeper, the best policy is usually to try and avoid comparisons to Ronald Weasley at all costs. Weasley somehow managed to get the keeper position for Gryffindor, but mega-talent Dwight Howard is not so lucky and has slipped through to Hufflepuff. In life, lack of a killer instinct is actually a pretty admirable trait to have, and I would have loved to see his impression of Kobe Bryant in the all-stars locker room this year. On the quidditch pitch, however, these traits are instead indicative of a second rate club that will always struggle to win when the stakes are highest.

SEEKER: Darren Collison (DAL)

Collison has the prototypical Seeker's build; small, lightning-fast, and with quick hands. I would imagine his broomstick of choice to be Firebolt, and he certainly has the agility to wield it properly. However, he doesn't quite have the skill level that many of his contemporaries possess, and overall he'll struggle when matched up against the juggernauts. 

Perhaps the defining trait of this Hufflepuff squad is the total number of NBA Championship rings that they have as a group: Zero. They're loaded with talent at most positions, but seeker remains a critical weak link that, combined with a perceived lack of toughness, will cause them to struggle against the elite sides that Gryffindor and Slytherin have put together.

Stay tuned for Team Slytherin, to be released in my next post.

2013 NFL Mock Draft

The NFL Draft is this weekend, and it's been brought to my attention that some people are interested in it and want me to write about it. Seeing as I rather dislike the NFL Draft, I didn't exactly jump at the idea. However, right when I was about to tell all the NFL offseason fans to go fluke themselves, I get a text from my good friend Herman, telling me to take a look at the mock draft that he had created. So I did--and while I'm still wondering when he's going to show me what he has for the the other 6 rounds, he has what looks to be pretty solid analysis as far as the first round goes (you know, the equivalent of filling in the play-in games on an NCAA bracket).  Since I respect his opinions about 10 times more than Mel Kiper's, and since his hair rises about 10 inches lower then Kiper's, I decided that it was 100 percent necessary to share Herman's mock draft, along with a few of my own comments when inappropriate.

With that, I give you the first guest blog in H-Bromo's storied existence, from a multi-talented man with a wide range of interests and experiences. Check growingatwork.com for some more of Herman's writing, where he blogs from his office about an assortment of life and work topics (I'm assuming in between angry phone calls from neglected and dissatisfied customers).

Growing at Work's NFL Mock Draft 2013
(Editor's Notes are in highlighter)

Having always been a fan of the NFL, and a fanatic of Chicago Bear football, I love all things NFL.  One way that I feel that I separate myself from the average fan is that from the time that I was teen (literally 13 years old), Thanks for clarifying, I was worried you were referring to those awkward figurative teen years for a minute there I loved the NFL offseason, in particular the NFL Draft.  I remember watching Cade McNown, David Terrell, Anthony Thomas, and Urlacher being drafted.  I even remember knowing that Urlacher was a converted safety.  I have always loved the business side of the NFL.  Players traded, signed, cut, drafted, and conditioned to expansion drafts.  This Thursday the NFL will host the first round of the 2013 draft.  I can’t wait to see where the stars of the future will be headed and all the action trading picks and players in live time.  When I was young it was a weekend that I had to wake up early to see, now ESPN and the NFL have realized how action packed and excited die-hard fans can get for this event and have almost made it a week-long primetime event.  This post is a tribute to that event, how it’s grown, how it will continue to grow, and all the nostalgia of wearing my Walter Payton jersey for an entire weekend sometime in the spring.

I love mock drafts.  Reading about the possible destinations of each prospect and watching Todd McShay and Mel Kiper Jr. argue over which players will do better in the NFL is the best.  I have read thousands of mock drafts over the past 13 years and countless more metaphorical ones, but I have never created or published my own.  Today that changes as I release my first ever Mock Draft!  There could not be a better way to celebrate NFL Draft week than filling our my NFL Draft Bracket (of sorts).  I will be making picks based on need and what I think is the best fit.  I obviously have no insider information so I have to use my own emotions.

1. Kansas City Chiefs: Luke Joeckel, OT Texas A&M- Joeckel is considered to be the best player in this draft by most experts.  The Chiefs are currently trying to trade Branden Albert and have already cut Eric Winston.  Unless they surprise everyone and make a move for Eric Fisher it looks like this pick is all but chosen.
2. Jacksonville Jaguars: Dion Jordan, DE Oregon- Jacksonville may choose to take a gamble on Geno Smith but I think that they take Jordan who will likely give them a constant pressure from the D-end position and hope that Matt Barkley or Ryan Nassib is available when they pick in the second round.
3. Oakland Raiders: Sharrif Floyd, DT Florida- Believed to be the best defensive player in this draft the Raiders have a need at DT and shouldn’t hesitate with this pick.
4. Philadelphia Eagles: Geno Smith, QB West Virginia- I would cringe at this selection if I were a Philadelphia fan.  4th is much too early to select Smith in my opinion and I don’t personally believe that he will be a star in this league.  However, I do believe that Philadelphia is the spot that Geno should be crossing his fingers that he lands.  He would be a good fit for Chip Kelley’s offence and would have some great weapons surrounding him there.                                             
5. Detroit Lions: Eric Fisher, OT Central Michigan- Ezekiel Ansah might be a sexier pick here for Lions fans but Fisher deserves this spot as the Lions have lost both starting Offensive Tackles this offseason. Ansah has amazing measureables but might be a stretch at 5 for a team with a need on the O line. I know that they're necessary and everything, but it's awfully difficult to get excited about using a first round draft pick on some offensive linemen. Especially one from Central Michigan. I love the Chips and everything, but it seems risky to use this pick for a MAC-level player, even one that performed really well against MAC-level competition. Especially after using a first round pick on an O-lineman last year. And for the record, I don't find Ezekiel Ansah to be all that sexy...maybe a little bit. Moving on.
6. Cleveland Browns: Dee Milliner, CB Alabama- Beyond Joe Hayden the Cleveland secondary is thin at the cornerback position.  Being able to draft a potential shut down corner to play opposite of Hayden is too good to pass up here at number 6 for the Browns. Last year during the first half of that ill-fated Michigan vs Alabama game at Cowboys Stadium (or JerryWorld, as people who think they're cool might call it), loyal bromolyte Meestah sent me a text that said, "Dee Milliner would start for the Lions right now".  The bad news is that Meestah wasn't exaggerating. Last year was about the 16th consecutive year that the DTLs  had a defensive secondary that Hoop Dreams coach Gene Pingatore would describe as "crap. Dog-shit CRAP!" The good news is that this year's draft offers a strong opportunity to improve in that area.  I remember in 1997, with the #5 pick overall pick, Detroit had to settle with Bryant Westbrook when Shawn Springs went third to Seattle. Springs was the best corner available in '97 and the DTLs missed out on him; Milliner is the best corner available this year and a two time National Champion. If he's available, I would highly, highly prefer him to some offensive linemen from a mediocre MAC team. Then again, after the untimely retirement of The Best in the Business, they may also want to think about using this pick to get that next once-in-a-generation franchise kicker.
7. Arizona Cardinals- Lane Johnson, OT Oklahoma-  This draft is strong in Offensive lineman as you can see Johnson would be the erd OT off the board in the top 10.
8. Buffalo Bills- Ryan Nassib, QB Syracuse- I can’t believe I am writing this but I can’t ignore the buzz around the league about this guy. Doug Marone the new coach of the Buffalo Bills knows this guy better than anyone else as his old coach at Syracuse and everyone seems to have this guy tied to Buffalo over the past week.  It’s a head scratcher for me though I just don’t see the value here, trade back possible. I can't believe you're writing that either. This potentiality reeks of that time when Steve Spurrier got the head job for the Redskins and immediately went out and got his old buddy Danny Wuerffel to be the franchise QB. 
9. New York Jets: Ziggy Ansah, DE BYU- The biggest boom or bust player comes off the board here in Ziggy Ansah who has the measurables to be one of the best players in this draft.  Mingo might be another option here but if Ansah is still on the board here I think it’s just too hard to pass him up here at number 9.
10. Tennessee Titans: Chance Warmack, OG Alabama- Tennessee has a lot of need on the O-Line even after signing Adam Levitre.  The Titans might also look at Jonathan Cooper here. who is generally considered a pretty comparable prospect.
11. San Diego Chargers: Jonathan Cooper, OG North Carolina- I predict that San Diego if both Warmack and Cooper are on the board at 10 San Diego will likely take which ever prospect Tennessee doesn’t.
12. Miami Dolphins: D.J. Fluker, OT Alabama- Fluker would be the  3rd Alabama player selected at this point in the draft.  After losing Jake Long, Miami will be looking to improve the Offensive line.
13. New York Jets via Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tyler Eifert, TE Notre Dame- With two picks in this round the Jets could go a number of ways drafting the best player available or moving back to select say a CB to replace Revis or a QB to compete with Sanchez.  They might be tempted to take Eifert here as the NFL has become obsessed with Tight Ends and Keller left in free agency.
14. Carolina Panthers: Star Lotulelei, DT Utah- If Star falls to 14 I believe that this will be a quick pick the Panthers need a DT and Star was once thought to be a top pick.  TO give you an example of how highly some experts think of him, scouts inc has him rated as the 3rd best player in the draft.  I believe he will drop but whoever he falls to will be very happy.
15. New Orleans Saints: Barkevious Mingo, OLB/DE LSU- Mingo is projected to go as early as 9 to the Jets in some mock drafts but I think he might drop a bit farther.  I do not think he will get past New Orleans at 15 he is too good of an athlete and will be a great player in the NFL.  If Mingo is gone New Orleans might look at Jarvis Jones from Georgia.
16. St Louis Rams: Tavon Austin, WR West Virginia- Most experts believe that St Louis will be choosing between Austin and Kenny Vaccaro at Safety out of Texas.  I think they make the choice to go after the play maker if he isn’t already gone at this point.
17. Pittsburg Steelers: Jarvis Jones, OLB Georgia: Looking for a replacement for James Harrison.  Jarvis might be your guy in Pittsburg. Pittsburg? Come on Herman, you're better than this. I love a good typographical error when the situation calls for it, believe me, but this one is inexcusable. I'll give the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe the H button on the keyboard was stuck and not responding; but even then, an H is too important of a letter not to at least try and improvise. Ever stop to think maybe that's what the weird vertical line thing playing second string to the backslash is for? You know, the one between the Delete and Enter keys, that you've been ignoring all these years? Pair a couple of those with a hyphen, you've got yourself a damn fine |-| (PITTSBURG|-|), and you can even pull out a good |n combo if you're looking to achieve more of a lower case look (pittsburg|n). 
18. Dallas Cowboys: Sheldon Richardson, DT Missouri: Monte Kiffin is in as the Defensive Coordinator in Dallas and he will be needing more talented defensive lineman on his defense.  Sheldon Richardson might be a gamble but he certainly fits that bill.
19. New York Giants: Xavier Rhoads, CB Florida State- Rhoads has great size and coverage ability.  I think that the Giants could go a number of directions with this pick but I think Rhoads would be a great value here.
20. Chicago Bears Alec Ogletree, MLB Georgia- As a Bears fan I am praying that if both Ogletree and Teo are available here that the Bears will take Ogletree.  Last year I was asking for Chandler Jones instead of Shea.  I think we can all agree who had the better season last year.  Perhaps we can expect more from Shea this year without Idonije on the roster yet. I have no idea who this Idonije guy is, but in reading this I'm picturing that scene in Office Space where the Bobs are going through the downsizing plan, and Peter finds out that Samir is about to be laid off.

"Samir...Idonije...Idonije...Idonije him to work HERE anymore, that's for sure!"

    21.   Cincinnati Bengals: Kenny Vaccaro, S Texas- Looking for a safety, the Bengals will take the best one in this draft.
   22.   St Louis Rams: Eric Reid, FS LSU- After taking Austin with their first pick I think that the Rams look to upgrade their secondary.  If they go a different direction with that first pick and Austin is gone at 22 look for them to take Cordarrelle Patterson out of Tennessee here.
   23.   Minnesota Vikings: Cordarrelle Patterson, WR Tennessee- Losing Percy Harvin, the Vikings will look to add a young play maker opposite of Greg Jennings.  Patterson is an excellent player at spot in the draft.
   24.   Indianapolis Colts: Sylvester Williams, DT North Carolina- Indianapolis needs to upgrade their defense, and they can start by taking the best defensive player available in Sylvester Williams.
   25.   Minnesota Vikings: Manti Teo, ILB Notre Dame- The Vikings need to upgrade their front seven and with two picks in the first round this year many think that the Vikings will be the team to select Manti Teo. I'm going to pass on this one. One of the problems with the Internet Age is that jokes (even really funny ones) seem to get old a lot faster than they used to. This whole Manti Teo thing has had its day in the sun, but let's just let the poor guy move on now. Seems like a well intentioned guy, I'd like to see him do well in the pros.

   26.   Green Bay Packers: John Cyprien, S Florida International- Replacing Charles Woodson is no easy task.  Cyprien could be a good start, as he is a big physical safety.

   27.   Houston Texans: Justin Hunter, WR Tennessee: Houston should be looking for a threat opposite of Andre Johnson here and Hunter is a great playmaker.  He has the potential to be a number 1 receiver himself. Is he one of the guys who took a crap on the floor or whatever at the Combine? All I heard is that they were wide receivers.

   28.   Denver Broncos: Bjoern Werner, DE Florida State- If Werner falls this far look for the Broncos to try to use this pick to fill the void left by Elvis Dumervil.

   29.   New England Patriots: Jamar Taylor, CB Boise State- Guessing what the Patriots will do in the draft is like guessing who Taylor Swift’s next boyfriend could be. It could be anybody and they very well might make it dramatic by trading picks. IVery solid analogy, you gotta be careful dragging T-Swift's name through the mud on any site that Nitch frequents though. My sources also tell me that Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers is rapidly moving up the Patriots' draft board after a good showing at the Combine.

   

   30.   Atlanta Falcons: Desmond Trufant, CB Washington- Atlanta will be needing help in the defensive back field and at defensive end over this draft and they will look for the best available player here at one of those positions.  In this scenario I believe it is Desmond Trufant who might be able to start from day one.

   31.   San Francisco 49ers: Zach Ertz, TE Stanford- I think that because of the flexibility that the 49ers have in this draft they will take the player that will help them to score points immediately.  Ertz has huge upside and is going to help out whatever team he ends up on.

   32.   Baltimore Ravens: Kevin Minter, LB LSU- The Ravens are doing an extensive overhaul after winning the Super Bowl.  They’ve lost a lot on the defensive side of the ball including Ray Lewis and Ed Reid. I believe they will look to address one of those positions here in the first round.  Minter seems to be a good value at this point in the draft and would be a great fit for the Raven’s defense. 

I don't know a whole lot about this sort of thing, but I'm pretty sure that these picks will be more accurate than the 97th revision of Tall Hair Kiper's "Big Board".  Thanks again to Herman for his guest appearance.