NFL Helmet Rankings Part 2

IN CASE YOU MISSED PART ONE, CLICK HERE

17 and 18. Rams and Eagles

What's Sort of to Like:
- The Rams and Eagles are essentially going for the same thing here, which is the "3D effect on a 2D plane" design. It's a tricky thing to pull off, and each team does reasonably well with the idea
- I'm a fan of the ram horns and the cool spiral that it makes in 2D. The eagle wings have a decent visual effect as well, if we're willing to look past the fact that real eagles don't have wings coming out of their heads.
- Both teams got caught up in the uniform futurization movement near the start of the 2000s and ended up darkening the shade of the team colors in the process. The older, brighter versions were better in both cases. Philly would do well to consider going back to the silver face masks.

19. Seahawks

What's Nice and Mediocre, and Probably a Sign of Things to Come:
- This isn't the Seahawks' fault, but out of my mini helmet collection, this is the least accurate rendering. The seahawk is so disproportionately large that I had to double check to make sure the real thing doesn't actually look like that.
- In 2012, the Seahawks kicked off what I believe will be a new wave of uniform futurization (the last one was started by the Broncos right before they won their first Super Bowl. It's fitting that the Seahawks also won their first Super Bowl shortly after making the switch ).
- It takes the full uniform to really appreciate it, but Seattle seems to be looking to create an "Oregon of the NFL" vibe with their flashier new uniforms. The helmet is actually the least flamboyant of the updated uniform.
- I suspect that the mini-checkerboard stripe down the center of the helmet is something that will be often copied when other NFL teams have undergo the next round of makeovers in the next 5 years or so.

20. Packers

What's Only Ranked This High Because of a Long and Proud Tradition:
-It's hard to be all that objective when ranking a team that I've heavily disliked for the past 20 years. With that said, this 'classic' helmet is doesn't do it for me. However, they've kept the same design for over 50 years now, and I know that the locals absolutely love the look.
-Points taken away for the 'cheese and basil' color scheme, points added because these things were straight up yellow until 1960. A small improvement is still an improvement.
-Points added for the Georgia Bulldogs stealing the G logo, points taken away since Georgia's red and black helmets look way better.

21. Patriots

What's Disappointing:
- I'll be the first to admit that the helmets the Patriots had up until the early 90s just don't hold up to 21st century sensibilities. Even so, it's tough to transition from this to the current model. You have a Revolutionary War era caricature that was oozing with character, and you throw it all away for something that looks like it was designed by a high school kid having a little fun in Intro to Graphic Design class.
- The colonist on the logo looks like a mix between Elvis Presley and  Power Line from "A Goofy Movie".
- Helmets with no stripe going down the center creep me out a little bit.

22. Broncos

What's Not Even Cutting Edge Anymore:
- In 1997, the Broncos came out with brand new helmets and uniforms, with a type of design that the NFL had never seen before. They didn't look all that good, but they were a trendsetter that numerous other teams around the league followed; the colors got darker, the colors and stripes on uniforms changed, and the logos became all corporate.
- The aging John Elway looked terrible with the new look, but the Broncos went on to win Super Bowls in each of their first two seasons in the new helmets. The first wave of futuristic designs took off, and the Bucs, Eagles, Rams, Bills and Falcons (along with the newly created Titans and Ravens) followed suit.
- By 2014, nothing about this helmet looks cutting edge or futuristic.
- Remember these?

23. Chargers 

What's the Best Way to Ruin an Awesome Lightning Bolt Logo:
- The Chargers have a lot going for them in the uniform department: standard blue and gold colors, a logo that remains cool in any decade, and not one but two shades of blue that they look really good in. But the white helmets...
- A lightning bolt looks good with a navy blue backdrop. It looks good with a powder blue backdrop. It looks fantastic with a black backdrop. But WHITE? When do you ever see lightning on a bright day?
- They've done this so well with blue colored helmets, yet pick the one team color combination that isn't going to look good for their helmets. At the very least they could have the face masks be powder blue.

24. Texans

What's Actually Kind of Decent, Given a Lack of Material to Work With:
- I'm not going to sit here and say that the Texans helmet is 'good' by any stretch of the definition, but seeing as they are a very recent addition to the league and have a highly ambiguous team name, they're doing the best with what they have.
- My main complaint is that they have a mostly blue logo that's placed on top of an otherwise entirely blue helmet. This is probably the only helmet in the league that I think would look better if they changed the color to white.
- The cow head that also is kind of shaped like the state of Texas isn't horrible.
- With a small flip of the colors, they could have the logo also reflect the state's recent voting trends in national elections. 75 percent of the fans would love it, and it would give a nice local connection to the design.

25. Bills

What's Yet Another White Helmet That Should Be a Different Color:
- Anything that's to be said about the Chargers awesome logo and underachieving helmet can also be said about the Bills.
- That face mask has no business being gray.
- I look at the old red version of this exact same helmet and think of four straight Super Bowl appearances. I see these, and think 'Ryan Fitzpatrick'. Lots of Ryan Fitzpatrick.

26. Cardinals

What's White and Gray, and Red All Over:
- Here we have a plain white helmet with a a side view of an ill-tempered bird's head. This is basically just the inverse of the Baltimore Ravens helmet (that's not a compliment).
- Their home city is named after a different red bird than the one on the helmet. "A new city will spring phoenix-like upon the ruins of a former civilization". Yeah, but let's be the Cardinals instead.
- Wasted opportunity to have a red helmet with a golden fire/phoenix silhouette as the logo. The oldest professional football club in the United States deserves better.

27. Vikings

What's Not to Like:
- If the Vikings' helmet logo were part of a Rorschach test, you're either going to see some type of drinking gourd or an oversized sperm. You're not seeing Viking horns.
- This is what a failed "3D effect on a 2D plane" looks like.
- Purple helmet with a different shade of purple face mask?

28. Ravens- In its current state, the Ravens helmet is bland, unoriginal, and depressing. If anything, it's too much of a connection to their home city for me.

What Could Quickly Turn This Into a Much Better Helmet:
- Option #1: Take the bird off and go with a plain black helmet. That should piss off the Cleveland Browns.
- Option #2: Only have the bird on one side of the helmet. That should piss off the Pittsburgh Steelers.
- After all, isn't the entire point of the Ravens' existence just to piss off the Browns and the Steelers?

29. Titans

What's Not to Like:
-The team name makes no sense and has no connection to the city. It's hard to have a good helmet when that's the case. If they don't mind having a nickname with no connection to the city, they could have held on to the name Oilers and at least kept the greatest white helmet in NFL history.
- Why is the logo a comet? Titans don't have anything to do with comets, unless we're talking about Titan, the moon on Saturn that also isn't a comet.

30. Falcons

What's Not to Like:
- The designers are trying way too hard with that F/Falcon in flight. The old version of this logo was pretty weak as well, requiring a stretch in the imagination to look like either an F or a falcon.
- This updated version of the logo is much more obviously an F, but it still doesn't look any better.
- How to fix: what about a football version of the Atlanta Hawks Pacman logo? They could keep the same traditional black logo and white outline, but instead of the F, have a falcon's head within a football shaped oval.

31 Jaguars

What's Not to Like:
- I have a feeling that the Jaguars are well aware of the derivative and uninspired nature of these helmets. The problem is, they don't have the slightest idea how to fix it, and neither do I.
- Spilling gold paint over the back side of the helmet did nothing to help. Denard Robinson shouldn't have to be subjected to this.
- Teal instead of black (or gradient gold and black) is the best I can come up with.

32. Buccaneers

What's Not to Like:
- It's baffling that the Bucs were able to take the ugliest uniforms in the NFL and make them even worse, not once, but two times!
- They couldn't improve upon having Robin Hood's evil twin as the helmet logo??
- The current adjusted skull & crossbones is lifted directly from the Raiders.
- I'm sorry, but the XFL died 13 years ago.

NFL Helmet Rankings

How I spent my summer vacation: 

One weekend I'm in London, another weekend I'm in Croatia, another weekend I'm South Carolina, and yet another weekend was spent in my living room, staring at my collection of NFL miniature helmets and deciding which ones I like best. 

 The main criteria used in the judging were...

- Creativity/Uniqueness- Anybody can stick an animal's head on the side of their helmet. I want to see who does things a little bit differently.

-Color scheme- Obviously a great helmet needs to have some superficial aesthetic appeal.

- How the helmet looks when paired with the rest of the team's uniform.

- Past versions of the helmet- Has this design been improved over time? Did they ditch a great past design for an inferior replacement?

- Team history/Connection to the city- This is increasingly rare, but teams like the Steelers, Saints, and Cowboys do this aspect especially well.

With nothing more needed to be said, I present Bromothymol's official NFL helmet rankings for the 2014 season.

1. Steelers

What's to Like:

- Awesome story behind the logo, with a real connection to the city of Pittsburgh. The multi-colored diamonds are based on the Steelmark logo that was originally created by US Steel. The best NFL nicknames/logos are ones with this sort of connection to their home.

- The Blank Side- Pittsburgh is the only team in the NFL to have their logo on only one side of the helmet. This not only creates a pretty cool all black effect when the players are facing the left, but it is also a subtle but significant point for uniqueness. 

-"Steelers" on side- Pittsburgh is one of three teams that have their nickname spelled out in the helmet logo. The Raiders do this unnecessarily, but for the Steelers it's actually a nice touch since otherwise you'd have no clue what the logo is supposed to be. In another cool little piece of trivia, it actually used to just say "Steel" in this spot, which is kind of weird but cool to see in old pictures, like the Hollywood sign back when it read HOLLYWOODLAND.

2. Redskins

What's to Like:

- Enjoy this helmet while you still can, because with each passing day, it looks more and more likely that it will be banned in the near future. 

-The color scheme on these helmets is flawless, and the maroon reminds me of raspberry Tootsie Pops. How many other teams can say that their helmet looks like it tastes good?
-As we'll see later on on this list, the color of the face mask can make or break the helmet, and far too many teams screw this up. Not the Redskins though, the gold mask complements the maroon perfectly.
-At the risk of being offensive, I'll go ahead and say it, the logo is really cool. Plus, if they are forced to change logos, they could easily re-work this one to be RG3's face in side profile view and it would still look pretty good.

3. Bengals

What's to Like:
- The Bengals took what used to be a really crappy helmet design and improved on it greatly.
- I applaud the risk taking. Trying to add a visual effect like tiger stripes is pretty hit-or-miss. They not only took the risk, but it works big time.
- One of the few truly unique helmets in the NFL. I'm also a firm believer that college and pro sports just don't have enough orange and black color schemes.
-Helmet color matches that of the starting quarterback's hair. I can't begin to tell you how rare that is.

4. Colts

What's to Like:
-The Colts scored big on simple improvements made over time, as they went through some growing pains on earlier editions. Putting the horseshoes on the back was a terrible idea,as was the blue helmet with white horseshoes. Simply shifting them to the sides and flipping colors was all it took to right the ship, a solution that's held up for nearly 60 years now.
-Classic logo, made even better by the fact that it kind of makes sense, but not really when held up to closer scrutiny (Sure, they're the Colts, and horseshoes are a symbol for good luck, but this logo still looks like a U more than anything. The Colts shouldn't be represented by a U any more than the Miami 'Canes, but both are great logos).
-Having either white helmets or gray face masks usually means fashion suicide, but the Colts somehow get away with both.

5. Cowboys

What's to Like:
-I grew up hating the Cowboys, but you simply can't argue with the silver/blue/white color scheme, and the sleekness to this helmet that will never go out of style.
-It baffles me that Jerry Jones sends them out wear those gross alternate throwback jerseys with the white helmet and blue star so often.
- The word 'iconic' gets thrown around far too often these days, but this is a legitimately iconic helmet.

6. Browns- Everything about the Browns helmet defies explanation, which is exactly what makes it great. It's like the old flag of Libya.

What's to Like:
- When the Browns made their triumphant return to the league in 2002, they had every reason to update their  logo and helmet design. For some reason, they didn't. Monochromatic orange all the way baby.
- For some reason, these helmets aren't plain BROWN (which would vault them into the top 3 of this list).
- The Cleveland Browns logo is a plain orange football helmet.
- For some reason, guys with dreadlocks look awesome wearing these helmets.
- For some reason, Lil Bow Wow is wearing a Tim Couch jersey on the cover of his 2000 "Beware of Dog" album. It wasn't until very recently that I realized: that's not a Tim Couch jersey, Bow Wow had the foresight to pick up a FUTURE Johnny Manziel jersey!


7. 49ers

What's to Like:
-Here's an example of the sum being far greater than its parts. No helmet goes better with its jersey counterpart than this one and San Fran's red home jerseys.
- Does anyone else remember that 49ers jacket that Danny Tanner used to sometimes wear on Full House? In tennis, they refer to that as "too good".
- In 1991, the team tried to introduce a new helmet design, but quickly scrapped the idea when this was the best they could come up with. Imagine Joe Montana wearing that.

8. Saints

What's to Like:
- The Saints and 49ers helmets are essentially the same thing, a dark gold with a basic side logo. 49ers get the edge due to the rest of their uniforms.
- In 1969, the team tried out black helmets with a gold fleur-de-lis during the preseason, but ultimately changed back to the color scheme that still holds up today. After taking a look at some artist renderings of what an updated version of those black helmets might look like, my conclusion is that making the switch would move them into the top 5, and possibly higher.

9. Bears

What's to Like:
-It used to really annoy me just how sleek Chicago's helmets are. No stripe down the middle, a navy blue that's so dark that it looks black most of the time, and a very pointy C. Over time, I've come to appreciate them for their cleanliness and sophistication.
-I'll also say that on a sunny day, there's no helmet that glistens quite like this one.
-I've seen a lot of fonts in my day, but none of them pull off the C quite like whatever font that is.

10. Raiders

What's Pretty Good Overall, With a Minor Grievance Here and There:
- Coolness-wise, it's hard to go wrong with a silver helmet. Plenty of teams find a way, as we'll see later on, but the Raiders mostly stick to the script and end up with a result they can be proud of.
- The man on the logo looks like he's probably an unspeakably terrible person, which I believe is the effect the designers were going for. The guy won't even open up his one good eye for the sake of being photographed. He's either drunk and passed out on the deck of a ship that he acquired through questionable means, or he's purposely being an asshole to the photographer.
- "Raiders" spelled out in the logo shield is unnecessary. We already know that unpleasant fellow is a Raider. He couldn't possibly be anything else.

11. Chiefs

What's Escaping Scrutiny from the NFL, Unlike Its Native Counterpart in Washington:
- Until the Buffalo Bills get their act together, this is the only red helmet in the NFL.
- Nothing really stands out about this design, but it's aesthetically pleasing all the same. As I once heard a roller coaster enthusiast at Cedar Point comment about the Gemini, "You know it's nice. It doesn't try to be something it's not."

12. Panthers

What's to Like:
-  Absolutely a product of their time, these helmets practically scream, 1995!!!
- The similarity between the Panthers uniforms and the Playmakers from the ESPN original series back in the day.
- They've now made it to their 20th season without any changes; it may not be the world's greatest design, but it's good enough, and I can appreciate the continuity.

13. Lions

I Have So Many Problems With This:
- There is literally no chance that I would ever rank Bromo's helmets lower than 16, so ranking them this low is telling of my frustrations with the design.
- They took a classic design that was nearly perfect and with only a few small changes, have butchered beyond any semblance of decency.

Door #1:
- We have an easy Top 3 helmet in the NFL, if not higher.
- Logo is simple and easy on the eyes, the blue face mask is a perfect complement to the silver.

Door #2:
-They can wear the 1934 throwbacks every game, every season, as far as I'm concerned. The plain silver helmets, silver pants, and silver jersey numbers are better than anything that at least 90% of the NFL has come up with at any time before or after.




Instead they chose Door #3, which apparently was "replace the Honolulu blue stripes going down the top with some ugly black ones, add a bunch of ugly and unnecessary lines to the lion silhouette, and throw on a horrible black face mask for good measure."

14 and 15. Giants and Jets

If You Can Be Boring There, You Can Be Boring Anywhere:
- Safe, uninspired, decent looking, there's nothing particularly right or wrong with the helmets of either New York team.
- Both of them look like they're not quite sure which era they're trying to evoke; each have somewhat of a throwback feel to them, but not exactly.
- The Giants do have a great shade of blue going for them. As a kid, I liked the GIANTS on the side instead of NY, but looking back, that doesn't really look right either.
- I'd like to see the Jets do a better job of incorporating a jet, but that hasn't gone well in previous attempts.
- I suppose I would have expected the suits on Madison Avenue to try a little bit harder on these.

16. Dolphins

What's to Feel Conflicted About:
- In the Dan Marino days, the Dolphins were my 2nd favorite team, solely because I liked the helmets and the turquoise/orange jerseys.
- Over the years, this helmet keeps getting small tweaks that I like less and less each time.
- My replica mini helmet collection isn't up to date anymore, as the Dolphins made the puzzling decision to take off the helmet of the dolphin that's on their helmet. It's still the basically the same thing, but it looks all weird now. It's like seeing Mickey Mouse without pants. This article at New Republic does a much better job than I could of explaining the strangeness of this change. As for me, I'm keeping the Dolphins just barely in the top half for now.

CLICK FOR PART 2

Gringotts, Revisited

When I used to live in a relatively questionable neighborhood in Ypsilanti, there was a crazy stretch where the Bank of America a few blocks down the road got robbed three separate times over a period of about six months. My initial thought after learning about this string of robberies was, “Wow, you don’t really hear much about a good bank heist anymore.” After enjoying its heyday in the Roaring Twenties, this method of crime has become so obsolete in today’s world that it carries a Laura Ingalls Wilder-esque quaintness to it. However, my second (and more important) thought was this: I would still feel better leaving my money at the Bank of America down the road than deposit a single sickle at the Gringotts Wizarding Bank. Allow me to explain.

Ron: Look, here’s the stuff Mum got for you in Diagon Alley. And she’s got some gold out of your vault for you.

Harry: Excellent! Tell your mum I say—wait a second…what?      

My first piece of evidence bad pointing to Gringotts’ awfulness is the disturbing fact that Molly Weasley seems to have unrestricted access to Harry’s bank account. Before the start of the school year in Goblet of Fire, Mrs. Weasley is somehow able to make a moderate withdrawal from Harry’s vault, no little gold keys, no photo ID, no signed authorization, apparently no questions asked by the goblins. I guess stealing from Gringotts isn’t exactly as difficult as Hagrid would have it sound. All you have to do is name-drop someone completely different with no evidence that you even know them, head into their vault without their knowledge, and take what you please. Now in this particular case, Mrs. Weasley was just doing Harry a favor, so no harm done, right? Well, all I can say is that I can’t be the only one who found it a bit dodgy that the Weasleys are somehow able to buy an entire year’s worth of school supplies for their four children enrolled at Hogwarts, when their own vault at one point had one galleon in it. On a side note, I also wonder how pleased Harry was to find that his hard-earned trust fund was being used to buy expensive green dress robes that he would wear one time ever.

Griphook: Weasley, what were you doing down in the vaults earlier?

Bill: Uhh…an important client asked me to uh, check their vault for curses. Yeah.

            Next you have Bill Weasley, who also seems to have carte blanche when it comes to the Potter gold, under circumstances somehow even more suspicious than Molly’s. In Half Blood Prince, Bill uses the excuse of the Voldemort panic to justify another unauthorized withdrawal from Harry’s vault. “I got it out of your vault for you Harry, because it’s taking about 5 hours for the public to get their gold at the moment, the goblins have tightened security so much.” On the surface, it makes perfect sense that Bill could get into the vault; he works for the bank as a cursebreaker, and presumably knows the ins and outs of the underground tunnels, as well as the internal security measures in place. He’s in the perfect position to bypass the long lines and help out a family friend. On the other hand, I’ll quote Chris Tucker from Friday by asking, WHAT KINDA SHIT IS THAT??

            Are the goblins also allowed to leave work with their pockets full of their clients’ gold, or is Bill Weasley the only one with that privilege? It’s well-documented that the goblins don’t exactly consider wizards to be trustworthy, so I don’t think that policy would fly with them. This makes me believe that Bill went into Harry’s vault and retrieved some funds without his employer’s knowledge. Notice that he says, “I got it out your vault for you Harry”, instead of “Gornuk took me down there right in the middle of a work day that was so hectic that it caused delays of five hours.” If Bill can get into Harry’s vault undetected, he can probably get into other vaults as well, just saying.

            Before you jump all over me with how great of a guy Bill Weasley is, let me remind you what the guy’s job is: Cursebreaker, for the single richest institution in the entire wizarding world. While in Egypt, his mission was to break through millennia-old curses in tombs and artefacts and retrieve the treasures inside. The Gringotts wiki page claims that Cursebreakers are analogous to muggle archeologists, but that’s not what I see. It seems to me that Bill is more of a magic grave robber who defiles sacred burial grounds and splits the profits with his bank. After all, “The goblins don’t give a damn about my hair, just as long as I bring home plenty of loot.”  With this perspective, I’m actually kind of glad that JK Rowling spared us the full details of Bill’s exploits over the course of Philosopher’s Stone, when he was “in Africa doing something for Gringotts” (Magical blood diamonds, anyone?).

           

Sirius: I used your name, but told them to take the gold from my own Gringotts vault.

Harry: And that worked?

Sirius: There’s Gringotts for you.

            I’ll lay off the Weasley family for a little bit now and go into some depth about the Holy Grail of shady Gringotts transactions: the infamous Firebolt purchase. For those of you who haven’t had the chance to brush up on Prisoner of Azkaban for a while, here’s a recap of what happened: Harry received a new Firebolt broomstick as a gift after his Nimbus 2000 got wrecked by the Whomping Willow. For the rest of the year, no one had any idea where this new broomstick came from, though there was suspicion that Sirius Black had sent it. At the end of the book, when Harry is learning the truth about Sirius and Peter Pettigrew, Black also reveals that it was him who sent the Firebolt broom after all. He filled out a mail-order form from Quidditch Warehouse magazine or something, and “I used (Harry’s) name, but told them to take the gold from my own Gringotts vault.”

            To have any kind of credibility and fraud protection whatsoever, there would need to be some kind of communication, either parchment or magical, between the bank and the broomstick dealer. Upon reviewing the order form, the reviewer would undoubtedly notice a discrepancy between the buyer’s name and the vault number used. When looking at that order form, there would be a few reasonable theories that can be drawn:

- Sirius Black is buying the broom, (poorly) concealing his identity by using Harry’s name.

- Harry is trying to buy himself a broomstick, attempting to steal funds from the Black family vault. 

-Harry and Sirius are working together to buy a broom, either for Harry, or possibly as a means for Black to further elude the Aurors.

or…

-  An unknown third party is defrauding the bank, and using both of their names.

HOW WAS THIS UNNOTICED AND UNDEALT WITH BY GRINGOTTS?  

Any of these scenarios would raise serious red flags for any self-respecting bank, leading to an immediate investigation. I guess under the first scenario, it’s possible that the goblins, who tend to separate themselves from wizarding affairs when possible, simply wouldn’t bother to alert the Ministry. However, if they were to believe that any of the other three scenarios may have taken place, it would be in the bank’s own best interest to uphold its proud reputation of excellent security by performing a full investigation. In any case, Gringotts’s inactivity in the midst of a highly suspicious transaction—involving the most famous wizard on earth, and the 2^nd most wanted fugitive in the wizarding world—makes me conclude that Gringotts sucks. Badly.

Unauthorized third-party access to certain vaults? Check. Turning a blind eye to extremely fishy transactions involving some of your highest profile clients? Check. Adding funds to your endowment by methodically desecrating the burial sites of ancient cultures? Check. No effective policy to prevent your own employees from sneaking funds from clients’ accounts in the middle of a Ministry coup? Check. Gringotts bank certainly has it all, with the exception of morals, ethics, security, and common sense. As far as convenience goes, let’s also remember that Gringotts has no branches or ATMs, so even Chinese wizards probably need to go all the way to London every few weeks just to galleon their paychecks or grab a few bucks for quidditch tickets.  All I know is, if I was a wizard, I wouldn’t be  taking my galleons anywhere near that goblin-managed travesty; I’d instead keep my gold at home, employing my own gemino and flagrante charms to keep it safe. Or just take it to the Bank of America in Ypsilanti.

The Top 5 Stadium Fan Accessories

One of the greatest agonies of being a sports fan is the feeling of helplessness that often goes along with watching a game, and the urge to do something, anything, to give your team an extra boost. Fans need to feel like they're Part of It, which is where all the extra accessories come in: team gear, orchestrated chants and songs, all kinds of noise-making devices, foam fingers, beer-dispensing plastic helmets, you name. Does any of this stuff actually make a difference? Who knows, but we'd all sure like to think so, which leads me to the criteria for my list of the best of the best in this field. I decided that the four main factors in determining the quality of these stadium accessories are as follows: audio effect, visual effect, the impact it can make on the actual gameplay, and the originality of the idea. I've rated all the accessories that I can think of on a 10 point scale, and was able to narrow it down to a final Top 5 list.

Let's start off with the best ones that couldn't quite make the cut:

Honorable Mention

Hat Trick Hats
Is it cool to celebrate an NHL player's rare individual accomplishment? Yes. Is it awesome to see hundreds of hats rain out onto the ice from behind the plexiglass? Yes. Is witnessing someone who happens to be doing their job better than they normally do it worth losing your favorite ballcap over? Not in my book.

K Cards 
Sure, K-cards can be awesome, when a pitcher gets 15 or more strikeouts in a game. However, seeing as this hardly ever happens, and most well-intentioned K displays end up looking more like racist bathroom stall graffiti than a monument to virtuoso pitching, it can't crack the Top 5. Also, even though Sports Illustrated for Kids explained it to me a long time ago, I still don't really understand why strikeouts are known as Ks.

Now this is just ridiculous. I won't be convinced that Felix Hernandez had upwards of 700 strikeouts in this game.

Michmallows
Apparently, the Michigan student section used to smuggle thousands of marshmallows into the Big House and go all Oregon Ducks on each other during football games. That tradition unfortunately went extinct before I ever arrived on campus, but i would have loved pelting Rich Rod with some Kraft Jet-Puffeds during one of his famous late-season collapses. I would have given this an easy 10 for originality, but my further research shows a bunch of other schools, including Notre Dame and Northwestern, used to do this too, so I guess that was just the thing to do in the late 80s.

Dishonorable Mention

Before diving into the Top 5, I think it also bears mentioning that for every awesome sports stadium fan accessory, there's about three pretty crappy ones as well.

Atlanta Braves Tomahawks
Without entering a discussion on just how offensive these may or may not be, I'll just say that the Braves foam tomahawks are completely unnecessary. Atlanta's version of "the chop" is inferior to Florida State's in every way, and the fans at Doak Campbell accomplish the exact same visual effect just by using their arms to make the chopping motion. As you can see below, these cheap-ass things are so flimsy that they wouldn't even make the proper motion when you try to chop with them anyway. They probably have the TBS logo on the opposite side too.

Artificial Hand Clappers

"Hey guys, I'm too much of a wimp to clap my real hands today. Don't worry though, I'll still be able to cheer on the team with these nifty Artificial Hand Clappers!"

The only justifiable reason for somebody to use these things is if they're a double-hand amputee. You know what, scratch that, a double-hand amputee wouldn't be able to grip the handle anyway. There is no justifiable reason for somebody to use these things.

Central Michigan Foam French Fry Things

There's nothing like a struggling mid-major football team trying to inject some manufactured stadium atmosphere into their program. At a CMU game once, as my family walked past the ticket gates, some ushers handed us what looked like big foam french fries with logos of local businesses printed on them. They didn't make any noise, you couldn't really wave them around and have it look cool, and the stadium was about a third of the way full anyway. I can't find any pictures of the foam sticks, but that's probably for the best.

Now, the time has come to unveil the Top 5 Stadium Fan Accessories in all of sports.

5. The Cadets Section
Audio Effect: 4
Visual Effect: 8
Impact on Gameplay: 2
Originality: 8
Total Score: 22

This exclusive club consists of only the three service academies, and also Texas A&M for some reason. While Penn State seems to think that they invented the idea of everyone wearing the same color t-shirt sometime around 2006, the cadets have pulled off the look for nearly a century now. Penn State's little "White Out" looks positively quaint in comparison to the Cadets all wearing the same jackets, hats, boots, haircuts, and even waking up at the same time as each other every morning. However, service academy football has sucked in the post WWII era, so the Cadets must not be doing that great of a job in the Impact on Game category. Either way, unless you're part of the militarys, you'd have a tough time duplicating this at your stadium.

4. Little, Yellow, Flayygs
Audio: 5
Visual: 10
Game Impact: 6
Originality: 2
Total: 23

Started by the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1975, LYFs remain the yellow standard when it comes to visual effect, creating a wonderful organized chaos look in the stadium. This transfers well to TV also, just as long as the color is bright enough to stand out. The towels themselves don't make any noise, but when they're out twirling in full force, it always seems to be accompanied by a heavy increase in volume from the participants. There's a reason why most stadiums will only bring these out for the really big games: those games are the only ones where some dopey corporation is willing to blow thousands of dollars to advertise on a bunch of linens. However, I'd like to think that somewhere deep down, one of the suits in Marketing understands that a home team's chances of winning marginally improve when said team's supporters have a bunch of dishrags to wave around while they cheer. As far as originality goes, Pittsburgh's "Terrible Towels" were the trailblazer in the Little Yellow Flayyg industry, but the sports world has since then seen countless copycats, including the DTLs from time to time. I still love the effect though, and hope they pull them out at Ford Field this weekend in their must-win game.

"It would have been a good day to invest in Little, Yellow, Flayygs."--Thom Blanck

3. The Free Throw Missing Apparatus
Audio: 4
Visual: 9
Gameplay: 8
Originality: 4
Total: 25

Clutch free throws are hard enough to make to begin with, and the Free Throw Missing Apparatus certainly can't help things. I'm sure most players will tell you that they just "block it out" or that they're so used to it that it doesn't matter, but how many other situations in sports are there when you can literally disrupt an athlete's field of vision right as they are trying to perform? I would love to see the concept of this adjusted for Olympic archery competitions. For the desired visual effect, the amount of variation here is pretty much endless. You can go for the hypnotic effect, the optical illusion, put Dwight Schrute's face up there, just bluntly tell the shooter your desired result for the shot, appeal to Larry Bird's taste in women, I won't go so far to say that the possibilities are endless, but there are quite a few. No matter what, it usually looks pretty cool. From the pro levels all the way down to high schools with large enough gyms, these things are everywhere. However, most places do a decent enough job of putting their own unique spin on the theme to keep it from going completely stale. For my money, Indiana's Assembly Hall wins best in class as far as the FTMA goes.

2. Vuvuzelas
Audio: 9
Visual: 5
Gameplay: 4
Originality: 10
Total: 28

Nobody in the western hemisphere had ever heard of them before June 2010, but now at least 95% of the 2 billion or so viewers of the last World Cup not only has a strong opinion of these polarizing fan accessories, but also mispronounces their name in a wide range of equally hilarious ways. Like fake Cubs manager Sal Martinella trying to say Henry Rowengartner's name, or Spongebob Squarepants talking about "the Hash-slinging Slasher".

When blown in unison, the vamooshimas sound like a relentless swarm of billions of angry hornets. It's beyond me why every sports team in the world with a bee-related team name doesn't hand them out at all home games. As far as the visual effect goes, I suppose i could go either way on this one. I guess it depends on how much you're feeling the whole "Whoville Christmas Celebration" vibe. While aurally shocking at first, most World Cup players seemed to get familiar with the vuvuzela as the tournament went on, not really even noticing them anymore by the end. They're not for everyone, but I think they would make for a great niche accessory for a team to build up a unique home field advantage. Georgia Tech would be perfect for this. "Oh crap, we have to go to Georgia Tech this year, that place is gonna be rocking, everyone with those stupid Kazoozulas going!"

This was an accessory a little bit ahead of its time back in 2010, and Americans weren't quite prepared to handle the vesuvius back then. I think they might be ready now.

1. Oklahoma State's Orange Paddles

Audio: 8
When the wooden paddles are all banding on the foam padding of the wall, it gives off that ominous feeling of 40,000 bloodthirsty Orcs marching in to get their asses kicked by a dwarf, an elf, a wizard, and a few hobbits. It seems to work better for the Pokes than it does the Orcs.

Visual: 7
With the proper camera angle, this looks awesome. The problem is that it's only in the front row and only in the student section. This goes up to a 9 if they get the entire front row in on it, and it goes up to about a 16 if they got the entire student section doing it, with everyone just absolutely wailing on the person directly in front of them. This would be one of the few conceivable scenarios where being in the top row would be the best seat in the house.

Gameplay: 6
It goes back to my previous point--how much of a difference does any of this stuff actually make? With the large orange clubs beating against the wall, it definitely at least seems like it's doing something. As a defensive lineman, how could you not rush the QB just a little bit harder on a big third down while being urged on by that delightfully barbaric atmosphere?

Originality: 10
The first time I saw them in the background on TV, I almost didn't believe my eyes. It just seemed way too awesome that the stadium ushers would let people bring large orange clubs past the front gates and smash them against the walls for 3 hours. I mean, at my old high school, the athletic director kicked out just because he let off an air horn during a timeout--and it was the athletic director's own son! This is just a perfect match for Oklahoma State, so much so that I thought to myself, "Oh yeah, because their team name is the Cowboys", without even realizing that Cowboys with wooden paddles makes about as much logical sense as the boys at your local AEPi chapter. For these reasons, the Oklahoma State orange paddles conclude this list as the #1 Stadium Fan Accessories in sports.

Total: 31

"It's where the SENIORS find Freshmen, and NAIL them with paddles!"-- Joe Swanson