The major question for me leading up to this weekend is whether or not I'm going to allow myself to feel. Do I go all in and open myself up for yet another Lions playoff disappointment, knowing full well that the odds of getting hurt again are enormously high? I obviously already know the answer, but pretending that it's even a choice to begin with--and that I might have the sufficient willpower to watch a Lions game without the unhealthy side effect of getting emotionally sucked in--is a fun little exercise to help pass the time between now and Saturday night.
I saw a refrigerator magnet once that had a bunch of 'carpe diem' type motivational slogans on it, and one of them was to "love like you've never been hurt". Maybe there actually are some situations in life where that's a good idea, but I feel like a much more useful refrigerator magnet for me right now would read, "Love like you haven't won a road playoff game in 60 years; use your best judgment and try to chill out a little bit."
I'd love to use my best judgment and be able to tune in on Saturday night for enjoyment only and with a little bit of perspective. Can't I just enjoy the fact that the Lions somehow scraped a playoff spot out of what probably should have been a 3-13 season? That Matthew Stafford turned into John Elway for about three months back there? That even a 3 game losing streak to finish the regular season didn't wreck their playoff hopes? That I've never seen the Lions win a single playoff game, and have still managed to make it to being a functioning and reasonably well adjusted quasi-adult?
Me and Pops went to the home finale against the Packers the other night. A little over a month ago, all the stars were aligning and I really thought that this could finally be the moment. After 23 years of being terrorized by the Packers, a perfect chance to turn the tables. Finally a chance at winning a division title, and I was back in Michigan, and in the building for the biggest game in Ford Field's short history--it's not much of a stretch to suggest that it probably would have been one of the top 5 experiences of my life to this point had the Lions pulled it off. Despite how gutting it was to see if all fall apart in the second half last week, sneaking into the playoffs still gives one more chance this week to have what has so far been a zero-in-a-lifetime Lions moment. A chance at one more piece of Stafford magic in a season where there has been plenty.
Thinking logically, what reason should I have to believe there's a true upset chance at Seattle? I haven't yet heard a single person predict a Lions win, all of the local coverage has been either pessimistic or blatant mocking (From the Free Press: the last time the Lions won a road playoff game…gas was 24 cents a gallon…the Mackinac Bridge was one month old). An overachieving team on the way down against an underachieving team that's also on the way down, but in a stadium where they're nearly unbeatable, especially in playoff games. For another 44 hours or so, thinking about this game logically will still be an option.
After that, I know the routine. Playoff fever kicks in, and time to love like I've never been hurt.
LIONS 20
Seahawks 18
H-Bromo
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Under the Golden Dome
By Sunday evening, the Lions could have the best record in the NFL.
I had to go back and check the standings a few times just to make sure that was right. The last time writing a sentence like that in November would have even seemed plausible was before I knew how to write, so the very idea will take some getting used to. If sudden superstar Golden Tate and finally healthy Calvin Johnson can get the best of the Arizona's vaunted secondary, despite my justified skepticism, I might even have to admit that the DTLs have finally become valid contenders in the NFC.
I'm still not convinced in the slightest that this run is going to hold up, but the past month has definitely been fun. Stafford, while putting up some of the lowest numbers of his career for about the first 3 1/2 quarters of games, continues to build upon a growing collection of thrilling comeback victories, while the best Lions defense of any of our lifetimes keeps the team in games long enough for Staff and the offense to finally wake up in crunch time. With the return of Calvin last week, one can make a strong case that Bromo now has the best receiving combo in the league, as Golden creates big play after big play. I can't understand how the offense continues to struggle so much for the majority of games; the irony of the Jim Caldwell hire is that the offensive-minded coach can't get more output out of his star-studded offense, while the defense has soared to heights far beyond anything they ever did under the defensive-minded Schwartz. Then again, 7-2 isn't the time to complain or to wax paradoxical.
Welcoming Back an Old Friend
Almost as unlikely as the significance of the match-up against the 8-1 Cardinals is the quarterback who Dom and Co. will be lining up against; with Carson Palmer's ACL tear late in last week's game, Drew Stanton will be thrust into the starting spot for Arizona.
While Stanton never got any higher than third on the Lions' QB depth chart, I've always been impressed with his gamer mentality at MSU (there's no way Michigan wins the famous Braylon Edwards game in 2004 without Stanton getting injured), and his steady play for the games in 2010 when he was forced into action. Despite limited traditional quarterbacking skills, Stanton is truly a gamer, and has already gone 2-1 starting in place of Palmer earlier this year. I don't think Palmer's absence will make this one any easier.
Stanton may or may not have history on his side in coming back to face the Lions for the first time since leaving the team. The much-maligned John Kitna, Joey Harrington, and Rodney Peete all came back to embarrass the Lions in this situation (Joey had probably the best game of his career for Miami on Thanksgiving, Rodney put up 51 points on the DTLs in less than 3 quarters in a playoff game). Then again, Stanton wasn't very maligned while in Detroit, and neither was Erik Kramer, who lost his first 6 games to the Lions as a member of the Chicago Bears.
I Like Notre Dame.
I know this isn't exactly befitting of 'Michigan Men', and my friend H is going to skewer me for this. However, with the recent play of Golden Tate and Theo Riddick, now seems as good of a time as any for this admission. I like Notre Dame, and have since about 2002. The history, the mystique, the mythology, the life and lies of Knute Rockne, the fight song, the occasional green jerseys, the Navy rivalry, the exclusive contract with NBC, the awesome players that they're suddenly giving to the DTLs. It's fun when they win big games, and it's even more fun when they lose big games. I've seen Rudy about 20 times. I find it awesome that Joe Montana seems to be jealous that a movie was made about his shitty walk-on teammate instead of him. I've watched them rip MSU's heart out plenty of memorable times. Denard Robinson had 950 yards and 8 touchdowns in two games against them.
As long as they're not playing against Michigan, I generally root for Notre Dame about 75% percent of the time. As long as Golden and Theo keep saving the day for the Lions, that number might rise.
I was recently reading Murray Sperber's Shake Down the Thunder, a book that chronicles the early years of Notre Dame football, and was struck by just how similar college football still is today as in the 1920s: Recruiting violations, NCAA reform, innovative offenses that open up the field for smaller and quicker players, lucrative neutral site games, conference realignment, oversigning, early season cupcake games, coaches making more money than university presidents, right down to the crappy Grantland articles every week. I highly recommend the book for anyone looking for some perspective to the current changes in the college football landscape.
On the Horizon
The Lions potentially have 2 consecutive road games that could be battles for the best record in the NFL; first against the Cardinals, then coming out to my stomping grounds in Boston next week against the Pats. That weekend I'll be going to the Harvard-Yale game instead, but like last year I've already booked a flight back to Michigan for the final home game against the Vikings.
There are still 4 remaining games on the schedule that are automatic losses in most years (8-1 Cards, 7-2 Pats, late season game at Chicago, Packers at Lambeau), so any talk about home field advantage or even a playoff spot is still preposterously premature. Regardless, this has all the makings of a very exciting remainder of the season, and I can't wait to head back to Ford Field in a month, either to watch a 10-3 squad wrap up a division title, or a 7-6 team hanging on for dear life.
Find @HBromo1 on Twitter starting at 4:25 tomorrow for commentary on the Lions' first clash for NFC supremacy in over 20 years.
Forward down the field...
Thursday, October 9, 2014
5 Burning Questions After Week 5
After serving a league-mandated five week suspension, first for calling Roger Goodell a liar, and then for viciously beating myself with a switch rather than watch the Lions attempt a field goal, Bromothymol is back!
To shake off the rust, I'm going to handle this post in the style of the first verse of Craig David's "7 Days", in which the moderately underrated singer asks himself a bunch of questions, then answers them and expresses contempt for himself for having the audacity to ask them in the first place.
In the first verse of "7 Days", when listening to his own story about successfully asking somebody out, Craig David not only assumes the worst (Did she decline?…No), second guesses his own tact and forwardness (Didn't she mind?…I don't think so), questions the story's authenticity (Was it for real?…Damn sure), and needs more details before taking the boast at face value (What was the deal? A pretty girl, age twenty-four).
That's pretty much how I feel five games into the Jim Caldwell era. I've seen plenty of reasons to start getting optimistic again, but then there's always that nagging Craig David in the back of my head that's going to need to hear a bit more of this story to see if if all checks out.
With that said, here are the 5 burning questions that I'm asking myself about Lions football, with 5 answers that are equally burning.
1. Is the new offense any better than the last one?
I tried typing this one into Multivac, but all it spit out was: INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR MEANINGFUL ANSWER.
Maybe it's just the injuries, but it doesn't really look like. Stafford's decision making has mostly been better, he's spreading the ball around more, and Golden Tate has been awesome…so why aren't they moving the ball better? 7 points against the Panthers, 19 against the Pack, and they didn't come anywhere close to scoring in the second half last Sunday against the Bills (seeing as field goal range equates to 'not anywhere close' these days). Calvin Johnson's injury and the fact that they're now down to the 4th string running back hopeful have something to do with that, but even at full strength, or as close to full strength as any NFL team can hope to be, the output has still been inconsistent. One minute, you've got Golden Tate stepping up in the slot for a huge catch and run, the next you're trying to throw 40 yard bombs to Jed Collins. Don't tell me that's part of the new 'system', and that it's just a matter of time before Jed starts reeling those in on a regular basis.
2. Can the Lions win the NFC North, or is another collapse during the second half of the season inevitable?
We know what we're dealing with here; being who they are, a second half collapse is always a distinct possibility. However, I really do think this time around, the train wreck is at least evitable. One thing I've noticed since Caldwell took over is that the team as a whole at least gives off the aura of being even-keeled, whereas even in the best of times with Schwartz the atmosphere was as volatile as can be. With Caldwell, there have still been a lot of penalties, but none of the insanely stupid variety yet. There are still some turnovers at bad times, but not the constant tension and panic yet. The fans are still booing, but at least it's just at the kicker and not at everyone else yet (the opposite of what we saw in the days of 'The Best in the Business').
Just like in 2013, the NFC North seems to be there for taking for Bromo. But honestly, if they couldn't do it last year, with literally every single variable falling in the Lions' favor (Easiest schedule I've ever seen them have, plenty of home games down the stretch, lengthy injuries to the QBs of other contenders, division rivals having terrible seasons, 4th quarter leads in every single game), it's really hard for me to sit here and say that they have a good chance this year, even after another decent start.
I still haven't gotten over last year. I mean, if they couldn't win it last year…it's like a line that Pops once asked me, when I chastised him for suggesting that the only job opportunities for midgets are either as actors or circus performers.
"Well what else is there??"
3. Is this finally the year that the Lions win more games than Michigan football?
Now the sad part about this question is that they might have already done so. Lions up 3 to 2 right now, and after watching Michigan play the first half of their season, what game left on the schedule looks winnable? I mean, if you struggle with Miami of Ohio, can't beat Rutgers, and can't even compete with Utah or Minnesota…(see: Pops, Midgets)
The last time Bromo has won more games than Michigan was back in 1995 (Lions 10-6, Michigan 8-4), and the late season free-fall by both teams last year ended in a 7-7 tie. When people are without irony recalling the glory days of Rich Rodriguez (if you hear my friend H tell it, you would think they won at least 3 Rose Bowls w/ RichRod), it can't possibly bode well for the current regime. I wrote a post a few months ago semi-defending athletic director Dave Brandon, and fully defending the decision to wear blue pants for the Penn State night game. That blue pants game is finally coming up this weekend and those pants are literally the least of anyone connected to Michigan football's worries, but Dave Brandon and everyone he's ever hired are looking more and more indefensible with each passing day.
The Lions might not have a great season, but they will definitely win more games than Michigan this year.
4. Hey, could some of you guys carry me off the field if we win on Sunday?
Any lingering doubt as to whether the Lions made the right move in firing Jim Schwartz was put to bed immediately following the Bills game. Is it even worth it to stick it to your old employers if you can't help but make a complete ass of yourself gloating about it afterwards?
Who gets carried off the field following an early regular season game? Who ASKS their players to carry them off the field? Since when is it the defensive coordinator rather than the head coach that gets carried off the field? Actually, I don't know how I even remember this, but Jerry Sandusky did, and that's worked out pretty well for him.
I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
Any lingering doubt as to whether the Lions made the right move in firing Jim Schwartz was put to bed immediately following the Bills game. Is it even worth it to stick it to your old employers if you can't help but make a complete ass of yourself gloating about it afterwards?
Who gets carried off the field following an early regular season game? Who ASKS their players to carry them off the field? Since when is it the defensive coordinator rather than the head coach that gets carried off the field? Actually, I don't know how I even remember this, but Jerry Sandusky did, and that's worked out pretty well for him.
I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
5. Why isn't H-Bromo on Twitter yet?
Oh wait, it is! I don't exactly know how to use Twitter yet, but follow @HBromo1 starting NOW for live commentary on game days, as well as any other rants that I can keep to 140 characters or less.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
NFL Helmet Rankings Part 2
IN CASE YOU MISSED PART ONE, CLICK HERE
17 and 18. Rams and Eagles
What's Sort of to Like:
- The Rams and Eagles are essentially going for the same thing here, which is the "3D effect on a 2D plane" design. It's a tricky thing to pull off, and each team does reasonably well with the idea
- I'm a fan of the ram horns and the cool spiral that it makes in 2D. The eagle wings have a decent visual effect as well, if we're willing to look past the fact that real eagles don't have wings coming out of their heads.
- Both teams got caught up in the uniform futurization movement near the start of the 2000s and ended up darkening the shade of the team colors in the process. The older, brighter versions were better in both cases. Philly would do well to consider going back to the silver face masks.
19. Seahawks
What's Nice and Mediocre, and Probably a Sign of Things to Come:
- This isn't the Seahawks' fault, but out of my mini helmet collection, this is the least accurate rendering. The seahawk is so disproportionately large that I had to double check to make sure the real thing doesn't actually look like that.
- In 2012, the Seahawks kicked off what I believe will be a new wave of uniform futurization (the last one was started by the Broncos right before they won their first Super Bowl. It's fitting that the Seahawks also won their first Super Bowl shortly after making the switch ).
- It takes the full uniform to really appreciate it, but Seattle seems to be looking to create an "Oregon of the NFL" vibe with their flashier new uniforms. The helmet is actually the least flamboyant of the updated uniform.
- I suspect that the mini-checkerboard stripe down the center of the helmet is something that will be often copied when other NFL teams have undergo the next round of makeovers in the next 5 years or so.
20. Packers
What's Only Ranked This High Because of a Long and Proud Tradition:
-It's hard to be all that objective when ranking a team that I've heavily disliked for the past 20 years. With that said, this 'classic' helmet is doesn't do it for me. However, they've kept the same design for over 50 years now, and I know that the locals absolutely love the look.
-Points taken away for the 'cheese and basil' color scheme, points added because these things were straight up yellow until 1960. A small improvement is still an improvement.
-Points added for the Georgia Bulldogs stealing the G logo, points taken away since Georgia's red and black helmets look way better.
21. Patriots
What's Disappointing:
- I'll be the first to admit that the helmets the Patriots had up until the early 90s just don't hold up to 21st century sensibilities. Even so, it's tough to transition from this to the current model. You have a Revolutionary War era caricature that was oozing with character, and you throw it all away for something that looks like it was designed by a high school kid having a little fun in Intro to Graphic Design class.
- The colonist on the logo looks like a mix between Elvis Presley and Power Line from "A Goofy Movie".
- Helmets with no stripe going down the center creep me out a little bit.
22. Broncos
What's Not Even Cutting Edge Anymore:
- In 1997, the Broncos came out with brand new helmets and uniforms, with a type of design that the NFL had never seen before. They didn't look all that good, but they were a trendsetter that numerous other teams around the league followed; the colors got darker, the colors and stripes on uniforms changed, and the logos became all corporate.
- The aging John Elway looked terrible with the new look, but the Broncos went on to win Super Bowls in each of their first two seasons in the new helmets. The first wave of futuristic designs took off, and the Bucs, Eagles, Rams, Bills and Falcons (along with the newly created Titans and Ravens) followed suit.
- By 2014, nothing about this helmet looks cutting edge or futuristic.
- Remember these?
23. Chargers
What's the Best Way to Ruin an Awesome Lightning Bolt Logo:
- The Chargers have a lot going for them in the uniform department: standard blue and gold colors, a logo that remains cool in any decade, and not one but two shades of blue that they look really good in. But the white helmets...
- A lightning bolt looks good with a navy blue backdrop. It looks good with a powder blue backdrop. It looks fantastic with a black backdrop. But WHITE? When do you ever see lightning on a bright day?
- They've done this so well with blue colored helmets, yet pick the one team color combination that isn't going to look good for their helmets. At the very least they could have the face masks be powder blue.
24. Texans
What's Actually Kind of Decent, Given a Lack of Material to Work With:
- I'm not going to sit here and say that the Texans helmet is 'good' by any stretch of the definition, but seeing as they are a very recent addition to the league and have a highly ambiguous team name, they're doing the best with what they have.
- My main complaint is that they have a mostly blue logo that's placed on top of an otherwise entirely blue helmet. This is probably the only helmet in the league that I think would look better if they changed the color to white.
- The cow head that also is kind of shaped like the state of Texas isn't horrible.
- With a small flip of the colors, they could have the logo also reflect the state's recent voting trends in national elections. 75 percent of the fans would love it, and it would give a nice local connection to the design.
25. Bills
What's Yet Another White Helmet That Should Be a Different Color:
- Anything that's to be said about the Chargers awesome logo and underachieving helmet can also be said about the Bills.
- That face mask has no business being gray.
- I look at the old red version of this exact same helmet and think of four straight Super Bowl appearances. I see these, and think 'Ryan Fitzpatrick'. Lots of Ryan Fitzpatrick.
26. Cardinals
What's White and Gray, and Red All Over:
- Here we have a plain white helmet with a a side view of an ill-tempered bird's head. This is basically just the inverse of the Baltimore Ravens helmet (that's not a compliment).
- Their home city is named after a different red bird than the one on the helmet. "A new city will spring phoenix-like upon the ruins of a former civilization". Yeah, but let's be the Cardinals instead.
- Wasted opportunity to have a red helmet with a golden fire/phoenix silhouette as the logo. The oldest professional football club in the United States deserves better.
27. Vikings
What's Not to Like:
- If the Vikings' helmet logo were part of a Rorschach test, you're either going to see some type of drinking gourd or an oversized sperm. You're not seeing Viking horns.
- This is what a failed "3D effect on a 2D plane" looks like.
- Purple helmet with a different shade of purple face mask?
28. Ravens- In its current state, the Ravens helmet is bland, unoriginal, and depressing. If anything, it's too much of a connection to their home city for me.
What Could Quickly Turn This Into a Much Better Helmet:
- Option #1: Take the bird off and go with a plain black helmet. That should piss off the Cleveland Browns.
- Option #2: Only have the bird on one side of the helmet. That should piss off the Pittsburgh Steelers.
- After all, isn't the entire point of the Ravens' existence just to piss off the Browns and the Steelers?
29. Titans
What's Not to Like:
-The team name makes no sense and has no connection to the city. It's hard to have a good helmet when that's the case. If they don't mind having a nickname with no connection to the city, they could have held on to the name Oilers and at least kept the greatest white helmet in NFL history.
- Why is the logo a comet? Titans don't have anything to do with comets, unless we're talking about Titan, the moon on Saturn that also isn't a comet.
30. Falcons
What's Not to Like:
- The designers are trying way too hard with that F/Falcon in flight. The old version of this logo was pretty weak as well, requiring a stretch in the imagination to look like either an F or a falcon.
- This updated version of the logo is much more obviously an F, but it still doesn't look any better.
- How to fix: what about a football version of the Atlanta Hawks Pacman logo? They could keep the same traditional black logo and white outline, but instead of the F, have a falcon's head within a football shaped oval.
31 Jaguars
What's Not to Like:
- I have a feeling that the Jaguars are well aware of the derivative and uninspired nature of these helmets. The problem is, they don't have the slightest idea how to fix it, and neither do I.
- Spilling gold paint over the back side of the helmet did nothing to help. Denard Robinson shouldn't have to be subjected to this.
- Teal instead of black (or gradient gold and black) is the best I can come up with.
32. Buccaneers
What's Not to Like:
- It's baffling that the Bucs were able to take the ugliest uniforms in the NFL and make them even worse, not once, but two times!
- They couldn't improve upon having Robin Hood's evil twin as the helmet logo??
- The current adjusted skull & crossbones is lifted directly from the Raiders.
- I'm sorry, but the XFL died 13 years ago.
17 and 18. Rams and Eagles
What's Sort of to Like:
- The Rams and Eagles are essentially going for the same thing here, which is the "3D effect on a 2D plane" design. It's a tricky thing to pull off, and each team does reasonably well with the idea
- I'm a fan of the ram horns and the cool spiral that it makes in 2D. The eagle wings have a decent visual effect as well, if we're willing to look past the fact that real eagles don't have wings coming out of their heads.
- Both teams got caught up in the uniform futurization movement near the start of the 2000s and ended up darkening the shade of the team colors in the process. The older, brighter versions were better in both cases. Philly would do well to consider going back to the silver face masks.
19. Seahawks
What's Nice and Mediocre, and Probably a Sign of Things to Come:
- This isn't the Seahawks' fault, but out of my mini helmet collection, this is the least accurate rendering. The seahawk is so disproportionately large that I had to double check to make sure the real thing doesn't actually look like that.
- In 2012, the Seahawks kicked off what I believe will be a new wave of uniform futurization (the last one was started by the Broncos right before they won their first Super Bowl. It's fitting that the Seahawks also won their first Super Bowl shortly after making the switch ).
- It takes the full uniform to really appreciate it, but Seattle seems to be looking to create an "Oregon of the NFL" vibe with their flashier new uniforms. The helmet is actually the least flamboyant of the updated uniform.
- I suspect that the mini-checkerboard stripe down the center of the helmet is something that will be often copied when other NFL teams have undergo the next round of makeovers in the next 5 years or so.
20. Packers
What's Only Ranked This High Because of a Long and Proud Tradition:
-It's hard to be all that objective when ranking a team that I've heavily disliked for the past 20 years. With that said, this 'classic' helmet is doesn't do it for me. However, they've kept the same design for over 50 years now, and I know that the locals absolutely love the look.
-Points taken away for the 'cheese and basil' color scheme, points added because these things were straight up yellow until 1960. A small improvement is still an improvement.
-Points added for the Georgia Bulldogs stealing the G logo, points taken away since Georgia's red and black helmets look way better.
21. Patriots
What's Disappointing:
- I'll be the first to admit that the helmets the Patriots had up until the early 90s just don't hold up to 21st century sensibilities. Even so, it's tough to transition from this to the current model. You have a Revolutionary War era caricature that was oozing with character, and you throw it all away for something that looks like it was designed by a high school kid having a little fun in Intro to Graphic Design class.
- The colonist on the logo looks like a mix between Elvis Presley and Power Line from "A Goofy Movie".
- Helmets with no stripe going down the center creep me out a little bit.
22. Broncos
What's Not Even Cutting Edge Anymore:
- In 1997, the Broncos came out with brand new helmets and uniforms, with a type of design that the NFL had never seen before. They didn't look all that good, but they were a trendsetter that numerous other teams around the league followed; the colors got darker, the colors and stripes on uniforms changed, and the logos became all corporate.
- The aging John Elway looked terrible with the new look, but the Broncos went on to win Super Bowls in each of their first two seasons in the new helmets. The first wave of futuristic designs took off, and the Bucs, Eagles, Rams, Bills and Falcons (along with the newly created Titans and Ravens) followed suit.
- By 2014, nothing about this helmet looks cutting edge or futuristic.
- Remember these?
23. Chargers
What's the Best Way to Ruin an Awesome Lightning Bolt Logo:
- The Chargers have a lot going for them in the uniform department: standard blue and gold colors, a logo that remains cool in any decade, and not one but two shades of blue that they look really good in. But the white helmets...
- A lightning bolt looks good with a navy blue backdrop. It looks good with a powder blue backdrop. It looks fantastic with a black backdrop. But WHITE? When do you ever see lightning on a bright day?
- They've done this so well with blue colored helmets, yet pick the one team color combination that isn't going to look good for their helmets. At the very least they could have the face masks be powder blue.
24. Texans
What's Actually Kind of Decent, Given a Lack of Material to Work With:
- I'm not going to sit here and say that the Texans helmet is 'good' by any stretch of the definition, but seeing as they are a very recent addition to the league and have a highly ambiguous team name, they're doing the best with what they have.
- My main complaint is that they have a mostly blue logo that's placed on top of an otherwise entirely blue helmet. This is probably the only helmet in the league that I think would look better if they changed the color to white.
- The cow head that also is kind of shaped like the state of Texas isn't horrible.
- With a small flip of the colors, they could have the logo also reflect the state's recent voting trends in national elections. 75 percent of the fans would love it, and it would give a nice local connection to the design.
25. Bills
What's Yet Another White Helmet That Should Be a Different Color:
- Anything that's to be said about the Chargers awesome logo and underachieving helmet can also be said about the Bills.
- That face mask has no business being gray.
- I look at the old red version of this exact same helmet and think of four straight Super Bowl appearances. I see these, and think 'Ryan Fitzpatrick'. Lots of Ryan Fitzpatrick.
26. Cardinals
What's White and Gray, and Red All Over:
- Here we have a plain white helmet with a a side view of an ill-tempered bird's head. This is basically just the inverse of the Baltimore Ravens helmet (that's not a compliment).
- Their home city is named after a different red bird than the one on the helmet. "A new city will spring phoenix-like upon the ruins of a former civilization". Yeah, but let's be the Cardinals instead.
- Wasted opportunity to have a red helmet with a golden fire/phoenix silhouette as the logo. The oldest professional football club in the United States deserves better.
27. Vikings
What's Not to Like:
- If the Vikings' helmet logo were part of a Rorschach test, you're either going to see some type of drinking gourd or an oversized sperm. You're not seeing Viking horns.
- This is what a failed "3D effect on a 2D plane" looks like.
- Purple helmet with a different shade of purple face mask?
28. Ravens- In its current state, the Ravens helmet is bland, unoriginal, and depressing. If anything, it's too much of a connection to their home city for me.
What Could Quickly Turn This Into a Much Better Helmet:
- Option #1: Take the bird off and go with a plain black helmet. That should piss off the Cleveland Browns.
- Option #2: Only have the bird on one side of the helmet. That should piss off the Pittsburgh Steelers.
- After all, isn't the entire point of the Ravens' existence just to piss off the Browns and the Steelers?
29. Titans
What's Not to Like:
-The team name makes no sense and has no connection to the city. It's hard to have a good helmet when that's the case. If they don't mind having a nickname with no connection to the city, they could have held on to the name Oilers and at least kept the greatest white helmet in NFL history.
- Why is the logo a comet? Titans don't have anything to do with comets, unless we're talking about Titan, the moon on Saturn that also isn't a comet.
30. Falcons
What's Not to Like:
- The designers are trying way too hard with that F/Falcon in flight. The old version of this logo was pretty weak as well, requiring a stretch in the imagination to look like either an F or a falcon.
- This updated version of the logo is much more obviously an F, but it still doesn't look any better.
- How to fix: what about a football version of the Atlanta Hawks Pacman logo? They could keep the same traditional black logo and white outline, but instead of the F, have a falcon's head within a football shaped oval.
31 Jaguars
What's Not to Like:
- I have a feeling that the Jaguars are well aware of the derivative and uninspired nature of these helmets. The problem is, they don't have the slightest idea how to fix it, and neither do I.
- Spilling gold paint over the back side of the helmet did nothing to help. Denard Robinson shouldn't have to be subjected to this.
- Teal instead of black (or gradient gold and black) is the best I can come up with.
32. Buccaneers
What's Not to Like:
- It's baffling that the Bucs were able to take the ugliest uniforms in the NFL and make them even worse, not once, but two times!
- They couldn't improve upon having Robin Hood's evil twin as the helmet logo??
- The current adjusted skull & crossbones is lifted directly from the Raiders.
- I'm sorry, but the XFL died 13 years ago.
NFL Helmet Rankings
How I spent my summer vacation:
One weekend I'm in London, another weekend I'm in Croatia, another weekend I'm South Carolina, and yet another weekend was spent in my living room, staring at my collection of NFL miniature helmets and deciding which ones I like best.
The main criteria used in the judging were...
- Creativity/Uniqueness- Anybody can stick an animal's head on the side of their helmet. I want to see who does things a little bit differently.
-Color scheme- Obviously a great helmet needs to have some superficial aesthetic appeal.
- How the helmet looks when paired with the rest of the team's uniform.
- Past versions of the helmet- Has this design been improved over time? Did they ditch a great past design for an inferior replacement?
- Team history/Connection to the city- This is increasingly rare, but teams like the Steelers, Saints, and Cowboys do this aspect especially well.
With nothing more needed to be said, I present Bromothymol's official NFL helmet rankings for the 2014 season.
1. Steelers
What's to Like:
- Awesome story behind the logo, with a real connection to the city of Pittsburgh. The multi-colored diamonds are based on the Steelmark logo that was originally created by US Steel. The best NFL nicknames/logos are ones with this sort of connection to their home.
- The Blank Side- Pittsburgh is the only team in the NFL to have their logo on only one side of the helmet. This not only creates a pretty cool all black effect when the players are facing the left, but it is also a subtle but significant point for uniqueness.
-"Steelers" on side- Pittsburgh is one of three teams that have their nickname spelled out in the helmet logo. The Raiders do this unnecessarily, but for the Steelers it's actually a nice touch since otherwise you'd have no clue what the logo is supposed to be. In another cool little piece of trivia, it actually used to just say "Steel" in this spot, which is kind of weird but cool to see in old pictures, like the Hollywood sign back when it read HOLLYWOODLAND.
2. Redskins
What's to Like:
- Enjoy this helmet while you still can, because with each passing day, it looks more and more likely that it will be banned in the near future.
-The color scheme on these helmets is flawless, and the maroon reminds me of raspberry Tootsie Pops. How many other teams can say that their helmet looks like it tastes good?-As we'll see later on on this list, the color of the face mask can make or break the helmet, and far too many teams screw this up. Not the Redskins though, the gold mask complements the maroon perfectly.
-At the risk of being offensive, I'll go ahead and say it, the logo is really cool. Plus, if they are forced to change logos, they could easily re-work this one to be RG3's face in side profile view and it would still look pretty good.
3. Bengals
What's to Like:
- The Bengals took what used to be a really crappy helmet design and improved on it greatly.
- I applaud the risk taking. Trying to add a visual effect like tiger stripes is pretty hit-or-miss. They not only took the risk, but it works big time.
- One of the few truly unique helmets in the NFL. I'm also a firm believer that college and pro sports just don't have enough orange and black color schemes.
-Helmet color matches that of the starting quarterback's hair. I can't begin to tell you how rare that is.
4. Colts
What's to Like:
-The Colts scored big on simple improvements made over time, as they went through some growing pains on earlier editions. Putting the horseshoes on the back was a terrible idea,as was the blue helmet with white horseshoes. Simply shifting them to the sides and flipping colors was all it took to right the ship, a solution that's held up for nearly 60 years now.
-Classic logo, made even better by the fact that it kind of makes sense, but not really when held up to closer scrutiny (Sure, they're the Colts, and horseshoes are a symbol for good luck, but this logo still looks like a U more than anything. The Colts shouldn't be represented by a U any more than the Miami 'Canes, but both are great logos).
-Having either white helmets or gray face masks usually means fashion suicide, but the Colts somehow get away with both.
5. Cowboys
What's to Like:
-I grew up hating the Cowboys, but you simply can't argue with the silver/blue/white color scheme, and the sleekness to this helmet that will never go out of style.
-It baffles me that Jerry Jones sends them out wear those gross alternate throwback jerseys with the white helmet and blue star so often.
- The word 'iconic' gets thrown around far too often these days, but this is a legitimately iconic helmet.
6. Browns- Everything about the Browns helmet defies explanation, which is exactly what makes it great. It's like the old flag of Libya.
What's to Like:
- When the Browns made their triumphant return to the league in 2002, they had every reason to update their logo and helmet design. For some reason, they didn't. Monochromatic orange all the way baby.
- For some reason, these helmets aren't plain BROWN (which would vault them into the top 3 of this list).
- The Cleveland Browns logo is a plain orange football helmet.
- For some reason, guys with dreadlocks look awesome wearing these helmets.
- For some reason, Lil Bow Wow is wearing a Tim Couch jersey on the cover of his 2000 "Beware of Dog" album. It wasn't until very recently that I realized: that's not a Tim Couch jersey, Bow Wow had the foresight to pick up a FUTURE Johnny Manziel jersey!
7. 49ers
What's to Like:
-Here's an example of the sum being far greater than its parts. No helmet goes better with its jersey counterpart than this one and San Fran's red home jerseys.
- Does anyone else remember that 49ers jacket that Danny Tanner used to sometimes wear on Full House? In tennis, they refer to that as "too good".
- In 1991, the team tried to introduce a new helmet design, but quickly scrapped the idea when this was the best they could come up with. Imagine Joe Montana wearing that.
8. Saints
What's to Like:
- The Saints and 49ers helmets are essentially the same thing, a dark gold with a basic side logo. 49ers get the edge due to the rest of their uniforms.
- In 1969, the team tried out black helmets with a gold fleur-de-lis during the preseason, but ultimately changed back to the color scheme that still holds up today. After taking a look at some artist renderings of what an updated version of those black helmets might look like, my conclusion is that making the switch would move them into the top 5, and possibly higher.
9. Bears
What's to Like:
-It used to really annoy me just how sleek Chicago's helmets are. No stripe down the middle, a navy blue that's so dark that it looks black most of the time, and a very pointy C. Over time, I've come to appreciate them for their cleanliness and sophistication.
-I'll also say that on a sunny day, there's no helmet that glistens quite like this one.
-I've seen a lot of fonts in my day, but none of them pull off the C quite like whatever font that is.
10. Raiders
What's Pretty Good Overall, With a Minor Grievance Here and There:
- Coolness-wise, it's hard to go wrong with a silver helmet. Plenty of teams find a way, as we'll see later on, but the Raiders mostly stick to the script and end up with a result they can be proud of.
- The man on the logo looks like he's probably an unspeakably terrible person, which I believe is the effect the designers were going for. The guy won't even open up his one good eye for the sake of being photographed. He's either drunk and passed out on the deck of a ship that he acquired through questionable means, or he's purposely being an asshole to the photographer.
- "Raiders" spelled out in the logo shield is unnecessary. We already know that unpleasant fellow is a Raider. He couldn't possibly be anything else.
11. Chiefs
What's Escaping Scrutiny from the NFL, Unlike Its Native Counterpart in Washington:
- Until the Buffalo Bills get their act together, this is the only red helmet in the NFL.
- Nothing really stands out about this design, but it's aesthetically pleasing all the same. As I once heard a roller coaster enthusiast at Cedar Point comment about the Gemini, "You know it's nice. It doesn't try to be something it's not."
12. Panthers
What's to Like:
- Absolutely a product of their time, these helmets practically scream, 1995!!!
- The similarity between the Panthers uniforms and the Playmakers from the ESPN original series back in the day.
- They've now made it to their 20th season without any changes; it may not be the world's greatest design, but it's good enough, and I can appreciate the continuity.
13. Lions
I Have So Many Problems With This:
- There is literally no chance that I would ever rank Bromo's helmets lower than 16, so ranking them this low is telling of my frustrations with the design.
- They took a classic design that was nearly perfect and with only a few small changes, have butchered beyond any semblance of decency.
- We have an easy Top 3 helmet in the NFL, if not higher.
- Logo is simple and easy on the eyes, the blue face mask is a perfect complement to the silver.
-They can wear the 1934 throwbacks every game, every season, as far as I'm concerned. The plain silver helmets, silver pants, and silver jersey numbers are better than anything that at least 90% of the NFL has come up with at any time before or after.
Instead they chose Door #3, which apparently was "replace the Honolulu blue stripes going down the top with some ugly black ones, add a bunch of ugly and unnecessary lines to the lion silhouette, and throw on a horrible black face mask for good measure."
14 and 15. Giants and Jets
If You Can Be Boring There, You Can Be Boring Anywhere:
- Safe, uninspired, decent looking, there's nothing particularly right or wrong with the helmets of either New York team.
- Both of them look like they're not quite sure which era they're trying to evoke; each have somewhat of a throwback feel to them, but not exactly.
- The Giants do have a great shade of blue going for them. As a kid, I liked the GIANTS on the side instead of NY, but looking back, that doesn't really look right either.
- I'd like to see the Jets do a better job of incorporating a jet, but that hasn't gone well in previous attempts.
- I suppose I would have expected the suits on Madison Avenue to try a little bit harder on these.
16. Dolphins
What's to Feel Conflicted About:
- In the Dan Marino days, the Dolphins were my 2nd favorite team, solely because I liked the helmets and the turquoise/orange jerseys.
- Over the years, this helmet keeps getting small tweaks that I like less and less each time.
- My replica mini helmet collection isn't up to date anymore, as the Dolphins made the puzzling decision to take off the helmet of the dolphin that's on their helmet. It's still the basically the same thing, but it looks all weird now. It's like seeing Mickey Mouse without pants. This article at New Republic does a much better job than I could of explaining the strangeness of this change. As for me, I'm keeping the Dolphins just barely in the top half for now.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
The Top 5 Stadium Fan Accessories
One of the greatest agonies of being a sports fan is the feeling of helplessness that often goes along with watching a game, and the urge to do something, anything, to give your team an extra boost. Fans need to feel like they're Part of It, which is where all the extra accessories come in: team gear, orchestrated chants and songs, all kinds of noise-making devices, foam fingers, beer-dispensing plastic helmets, you name. Does any of this stuff actually make a difference? Who knows, but we'd all sure like to think so, which leads me to the criteria for my list of the best of the best in this field. I decided that the four main factors in determining the quality of these stadium accessories are as follows: audio effect, visual effect, the impact it can make on the actual gameplay, and the originality of the idea. I've rated all the accessories that I can think of on a 10 point scale, and was able to narrow it down to a final Top 5 list.
Let's start off with the best ones that couldn't quite make the cut:
Honorable Mention
Hat Trick Hats
Is it cool to celebrate an NHL player's rare individual accomplishment? Yes. Is it awesome to see hundreds of hats rain out onto the ice from behind the plexiglass? Yes. Is witnessing someone who happens to be doing their job better than they normally do it worth losing your favorite ballcap over? Not in my book.
K Cards
Sure, K-cards can be awesome, when a pitcher gets 15 or more strikeouts in a game. However, seeing as this hardly ever happens, and most well-intentioned K displays end up looking more like racist bathroom stall graffiti than a monument to virtuoso pitching, it can't crack the Top 5. Also, even though Sports Illustrated for Kids explained it to me a long time ago, I still don't really understand why strikeouts are known as Ks.
Now this is just ridiculous. I won't be convinced that Felix Hernandez had upwards of 700 strikeouts in this game.
Michmallows
Apparently, the Michigan student section used to smuggle thousands of marshmallows into the Big House and go all Oregon Ducks on each other during football games. That tradition unfortunately went extinct before I ever arrived on campus, but i would have loved pelting Rich Rod with some Kraft Jet-Puffeds during one of his famous late-season collapses. I would have given this an easy 10 for originality, but my further research shows a bunch of other schools, including Notre Dame and Northwestern, used to do this too, so I guess that was just the thing to do in the late 80s.
Dishonorable Mention
Before diving into the Top 5, I think it also bears mentioning that for every awesome sports stadium fan accessory, there's about three pretty crappy ones as well.
Atlanta Braves Tomahawks
Without entering a discussion on just how offensive these may or may not be, I'll just say that the Braves foam tomahawks are completely unnecessary. Atlanta's version of "the chop" is inferior to Florida State's in every way, and the fans at Doak Campbell accomplish the exact same visual effect just by using their arms to make the chopping motion. As you can see below, these cheap-ass things are so flimsy that they wouldn't even make the proper motion when you try to chop with them anyway. They probably have the TBS logo on the opposite side too.
Artificial Hand Clappers
"Hey guys, I'm too much of a wimp to clap my real hands today. Don't worry though, I'll still be able to cheer on the team with these nifty Artificial Hand Clappers!"
The only justifiable reason for somebody to use these things is if they're a double-hand amputee. You know what, scratch that, a double-hand amputee wouldn't be able to grip the handle anyway. There is no justifiable reason for somebody to use these things.
Central Michigan Foam French Fry Things
There's nothing like a struggling mid-major football team trying to inject some manufactured stadium atmosphere into their program. At a CMU game once, as my family walked past the ticket gates, some ushers handed us what looked like big foam french fries with logos of local businesses printed on them. They didn't make any noise, you couldn't really wave them around and have it look cool, and the stadium was about a third of the way full anyway. I can't find any pictures of the foam sticks, but that's probably for the best.
Now, the time has come to unveil the Top 5 Stadium Fan Accessories in all of sports.
5. The Cadets Section
Audio Effect: 4
Visual Effect: 8
Impact on Gameplay: 2
Originality: 8
Total Score: 22
This exclusive club consists of only the three service academies, and also Texas A&M for some reason. While Penn State seems to think that they invented the idea of everyone wearing the same color t-shirt sometime around 2006, the cadets have pulled off the look for nearly a century now. Penn State's little "White Out" looks positively quaint in comparison to the Cadets all wearing the same jackets, hats, boots, haircuts, and even waking up at the same time as each other every morning. However, service academy football has sucked in the post WWII era, so the Cadets must not be doing that great of a job in the Impact on Game category. Either way, unless you're part of the militarys, you'd have a tough time duplicating this at your stadium.
4. Little, Yellow, Flayygs
Audio: 5
Visual: 10
Game Impact: 6
Originality: 2
Total: 23
Started by the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1975, LYFs remain the yellow standard when it comes to visual effect, creating a wonderful organized chaos look in the stadium. This transfers well to TV also, just as long as the color is bright enough to stand out. The towels themselves don't make any noise, but when they're out twirling in full force, it always seems to be accompanied by a heavy increase in volume from the participants. There's a reason why most stadiums will only bring these out for the really big games: those games are the only ones where some dopey corporation is willing to blow thousands of dollars to advertise on a bunch of linens. However, I'd like to think that somewhere deep down, one of the suits in Marketing understands that a home team's chances of winning marginally improve when said team's supporters have a bunch of dishrags to wave around while they cheer. As far as originality goes, Pittsburgh's "Terrible Towels" were the trailblazer in the Little Yellow Flayyg industry, but the sports world has since then seen countless copycats, including the DTLs from time to time. I still love the effect though, and hope they pull them out at Ford Field this weekend in their must-win game.
3. The Free Throw Missing Apparatus
Audio: 4
Visual: 9
Gameplay: 8
Originality: 4
Total: 25
Clutch free throws are hard enough to make to begin with, and the Free Throw Missing Apparatus certainly can't help things. I'm sure most players will tell you that they just "block it out" or that they're so used to it that it doesn't matter, but how many other situations in sports are there when you can literally disrupt an athlete's field of vision right as they are trying to perform? I would love to see the concept of this adjusted for Olympic archery competitions. For the desired visual effect, the amount of variation here is pretty much endless. You can go for the hypnotic effect, the optical illusion, put Dwight Schrute's face up there, just bluntly tell the shooter your desired result for the shot, appeal to Larry Bird's taste in women, I won't go so far to say that the possibilities are endless, but there are quite a few. No matter what, it usually looks pretty cool. From the pro levels all the way down to high schools with large enough gyms, these things are everywhere. However, most places do a decent enough job of putting their own unique spin on the theme to keep it from going completely stale. For my money, Indiana's Assembly Hall wins best in class as far as the FTMA goes.
2. Vuvuzelas
Audio: 9
Visual: 5
Gameplay: 4
Originality: 10
Total: 28
Nobody in the western hemisphere had ever heard of them before June 2010, but now at least 95% of the 2 billion or so viewers of the last World Cup not only has a strong opinion of these polarizing fan accessories, but also mispronounces their name in a wide range of equally hilarious ways. Like fake Cubs manager Sal Martinella trying to say Henry Rowengartner's name, or Spongebob Squarepants talking about "the Hash-slinging Slasher".
When blown in unison, the vamooshimas sound like a relentless swarm of billions of angry hornets. It's beyond me why every sports team in the world with a bee-related team name doesn't hand them out at all home games. As far as the visual effect goes, I suppose i could go either way on this one. I guess it depends on how much you're feeling the whole "Whoville Christmas Celebration" vibe. While aurally shocking at first, most World Cup players seemed to get familiar with the vuvuzela as the tournament went on, not really even noticing them anymore by the end. They're not for everyone, but I think they would make for a great niche accessory for a team to build up a unique home field advantage. Georgia Tech would be perfect for this. "Oh crap, we have to go to Georgia Tech this year, that place is gonna be rocking, everyone with those stupid Kazoozulas going!"
This was an accessory a little bit ahead of its time back in 2010, and Americans weren't quite prepared to handle the vesuvius back then. I think they might be ready now.
1. Oklahoma State's Orange Paddles
Audio: 8
When the wooden paddles are all banding on the foam padding of the wall, it gives off that ominous feeling of 40,000 bloodthirsty Orcs marching in to get their asses kicked by a dwarf, an elf, a wizard, and a few hobbits. It seems to work better for the Pokes than it does the Orcs.
Visual: 7
With the proper camera angle, this looks awesome. The problem is that it's only in the front row and only in the student section. This goes up to a 9 if they get the entire front row in on it, and it goes up to about a 16 if they got the entire student section doing it, with everyone just absolutely wailing on the person directly in front of them. This would be one of the few conceivable scenarios where being in the top row would be the best seat in the house.
Gameplay: 6
It goes back to my previous point--how much of a difference does any of this stuff actually make? With the large orange clubs beating against the wall, it definitely at least seems like it's doing something. As a defensive lineman, how could you not rush the QB just a little bit harder on a big third down while being urged on by that delightfully barbaric atmosphere?
Originality: 10
The first time I saw them in the background on TV, I almost didn't believe my eyes. It just seemed way too awesome that the stadium ushers would let people bring large orange clubs past the front gates and smash them against the walls for 3 hours. I mean, at my old high school, the athletic director kicked out just because he let off an air horn during a timeout--and it was the athletic director's own son! This is just a perfect match for Oklahoma State, so much so that I thought to myself, "Oh yeah, because their team name is the Cowboys", without even realizing that Cowboys with wooden paddles makes about as much logical sense as the boys at your local AEPi chapter. For these reasons, the Oklahoma State orange paddles conclude this list as the #1 Stadium Fan Accessories in sports.
Total: 31
"It's where the SENIORS find Freshmen, and NAIL them with paddles!"-- Joe Swanson
Let's start off with the best ones that couldn't quite make the cut:
Honorable Mention
Hat Trick Hats
Is it cool to celebrate an NHL player's rare individual accomplishment? Yes. Is it awesome to see hundreds of hats rain out onto the ice from behind the plexiglass? Yes. Is witnessing someone who happens to be doing their job better than they normally do it worth losing your favorite ballcap over? Not in my book.
K Cards
Sure, K-cards can be awesome, when a pitcher gets 15 or more strikeouts in a game. However, seeing as this hardly ever happens, and most well-intentioned K displays end up looking more like racist bathroom stall graffiti than a monument to virtuoso pitching, it can't crack the Top 5. Also, even though Sports Illustrated for Kids explained it to me a long time ago, I still don't really understand why strikeouts are known as Ks.
Now this is just ridiculous. I won't be convinced that Felix Hernandez had upwards of 700 strikeouts in this game.
Michmallows
Apparently, the Michigan student section used to smuggle thousands of marshmallows into the Big House and go all Oregon Ducks on each other during football games. That tradition unfortunately went extinct before I ever arrived on campus, but i would have loved pelting Rich Rod with some Kraft Jet-Puffeds during one of his famous late-season collapses. I would have given this an easy 10 for originality, but my further research shows a bunch of other schools, including Notre Dame and Northwestern, used to do this too, so I guess that was just the thing to do in the late 80s.
Dishonorable Mention
Before diving into the Top 5, I think it also bears mentioning that for every awesome sports stadium fan accessory, there's about three pretty crappy ones as well.
Atlanta Braves Tomahawks
Without entering a discussion on just how offensive these may or may not be, I'll just say that the Braves foam tomahawks are completely unnecessary. Atlanta's version of "the chop" is inferior to Florida State's in every way, and the fans at Doak Campbell accomplish the exact same visual effect just by using their arms to make the chopping motion. As you can see below, these cheap-ass things are so flimsy that they wouldn't even make the proper motion when you try to chop with them anyway. They probably have the TBS logo on the opposite side too.
Artificial Hand Clappers
"Hey guys, I'm too much of a wimp to clap my real hands today. Don't worry though, I'll still be able to cheer on the team with these nifty Artificial Hand Clappers!"
The only justifiable reason for somebody to use these things is if they're a double-hand amputee. You know what, scratch that, a double-hand amputee wouldn't be able to grip the handle anyway. There is no justifiable reason for somebody to use these things.
Central Michigan Foam French Fry Things
There's nothing like a struggling mid-major football team trying to inject some manufactured stadium atmosphere into their program. At a CMU game once, as my family walked past the ticket gates, some ushers handed us what looked like big foam french fries with logos of local businesses printed on them. They didn't make any noise, you couldn't really wave them around and have it look cool, and the stadium was about a third of the way full anyway. I can't find any pictures of the foam sticks, but that's probably for the best.
Now, the time has come to unveil the Top 5 Stadium Fan Accessories in all of sports.
5. The Cadets Section
Audio Effect: 4
Visual Effect: 8
Impact on Gameplay: 2
Originality: 8
Total Score: 22
4. Little, Yellow, Flayygs
Audio: 5
Visual: 10
Game Impact: 6
Originality: 2
Total: 23
Started by the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1975, LYFs remain the yellow standard when it comes to visual effect, creating a wonderful organized chaos look in the stadium. This transfers well to TV also, just as long as the color is bright enough to stand out. The towels themselves don't make any noise, but when they're out twirling in full force, it always seems to be accompanied by a heavy increase in volume from the participants. There's a reason why most stadiums will only bring these out for the really big games: those games are the only ones where some dopey corporation is willing to blow thousands of dollars to advertise on a bunch of linens. However, I'd like to think that somewhere deep down, one of the suits in Marketing understands that a home team's chances of winning marginally improve when said team's supporters have a bunch of dishrags to wave around while they cheer. As far as originality goes, Pittsburgh's "Terrible Towels" were the trailblazer in the Little Yellow Flayyg industry, but the sports world has since then seen countless copycats, including the DTLs from time to time. I still love the effect though, and hope they pull them out at Ford Field this weekend in their must-win game.
 |
| "It would have been a good day to invest in Little, Yellow, Flayygs."--Thom Blanck |
3. The Free Throw Missing Apparatus
Audio: 4
Visual: 9
Gameplay: 8
Originality: 4
Total: 25
Clutch free throws are hard enough to make to begin with, and the Free Throw Missing Apparatus certainly can't help things. I'm sure most players will tell you that they just "block it out" or that they're so used to it that it doesn't matter, but how many other situations in sports are there when you can literally disrupt an athlete's field of vision right as they are trying to perform? I would love to see the concept of this adjusted for Olympic archery competitions. For the desired visual effect, the amount of variation here is pretty much endless. You can go for the hypnotic effect, the optical illusion, put Dwight Schrute's face up there, just bluntly tell the shooter your desired result for the shot, appeal to Larry Bird's taste in women, I won't go so far to say that the possibilities are endless, but there are quite a few. No matter what, it usually looks pretty cool. From the pro levels all the way down to high schools with large enough gyms, these things are everywhere. However, most places do a decent enough job of putting their own unique spin on the theme to keep it from going completely stale. For my money, Indiana's Assembly Hall wins best in class as far as the FTMA goes.
2. Vuvuzelas
Audio: 9
Visual: 5
Gameplay: 4
Originality: 10
Total: 28
Nobody in the western hemisphere had ever heard of them before June 2010, but now at least 95% of the 2 billion or so viewers of the last World Cup not only has a strong opinion of these polarizing fan accessories, but also mispronounces their name in a wide range of equally hilarious ways. Like fake Cubs manager Sal Martinella trying to say Henry Rowengartner's name, or Spongebob Squarepants talking about "the Hash-slinging Slasher".
When blown in unison, the vamooshimas sound like a relentless swarm of billions of angry hornets. It's beyond me why every sports team in the world with a bee-related team name doesn't hand them out at all home games. As far as the visual effect goes, I suppose i could go either way on this one. I guess it depends on how much you're feeling the whole "Whoville Christmas Celebration" vibe. While aurally shocking at first, most World Cup players seemed to get familiar with the vuvuzela as the tournament went on, not really even noticing them anymore by the end. They're not for everyone, but I think they would make for a great niche accessory for a team to build up a unique home field advantage. Georgia Tech would be perfect for this. "Oh crap, we have to go to Georgia Tech this year, that place is gonna be rocking, everyone with those stupid Kazoozulas going!"
This was an accessory a little bit ahead of its time back in 2010, and Americans weren't quite prepared to handle the vesuvius back then. I think they might be ready now.
1. Oklahoma State's Orange Paddles
Audio: 8
When the wooden paddles are all banding on the foam padding of the wall, it gives off that ominous feeling of 40,000 bloodthirsty Orcs marching in to get their asses kicked by a dwarf, an elf, a wizard, and a few hobbits. It seems to work better for the Pokes than it does the Orcs.
Visual: 7
With the proper camera angle, this looks awesome. The problem is that it's only in the front row and only in the student section. This goes up to a 9 if they get the entire front row in on it, and it goes up to about a 16 if they got the entire student section doing it, with everyone just absolutely wailing on the person directly in front of them. This would be one of the few conceivable scenarios where being in the top row would be the best seat in the house.
Gameplay: 6
It goes back to my previous point--how much of a difference does any of this stuff actually make? With the large orange clubs beating against the wall, it definitely at least seems like it's doing something. As a defensive lineman, how could you not rush the QB just a little bit harder on a big third down while being urged on by that delightfully barbaric atmosphere?
Originality: 10
The first time I saw them in the background on TV, I almost didn't believe my eyes. It just seemed way too awesome that the stadium ushers would let people bring large orange clubs past the front gates and smash them against the walls for 3 hours. I mean, at my old high school, the athletic director kicked out just because he let off an air horn during a timeout--and it was the athletic director's own son! This is just a perfect match for Oklahoma State, so much so that I thought to myself, "Oh yeah, because their team name is the Cowboys", without even realizing that Cowboys with wooden paddles makes about as much logical sense as the boys at your local AEPi chapter. For these reasons, the Oklahoma State orange paddles conclude this list as the #1 Stadium Fan Accessories in sports.
Total: 31
"It's where the SENIORS find Freshmen, and NAIL them with paddles!"-- Joe Swanson
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Honolulu Blue and Silver Linings Playbook
Ravens 18
LIONS 16
I've heard that the movie Silver Linings Playbook is supposed to be pretty good. I don't know exactly what it's about, but I think to some degree it's about a Philadelphia Eagles fan who has some type of psychotic meltdown and goes into therapy, and over the course of the movie he makes some progress and sees the bright side of life and makes amends with his loved ones or something. Anyway, that sounds pretty fitting right now, so if that's not actually what the movie is about, don't bother telling me. Let's try to find some positives from last night.
Silver Lining #1: This isn't the most demoralizing DTLs game of my lifetime.
Does it rather easily crack the top 3? Yes. When the dust settles and I have some more time to ponder it, will it sneak up to a solid second place? I see no reason why it wouldn't. Actually, I think I'm seeing a new article topic for the near future developing as I think it through. For the time being, last night's ______________ (noun, preferably hyperbolic and in no way an accurate descriptor for the undesired result of an athletic contest) of a game still doesn't quite approach the emotional abyss that the 28-27 loss to Dallas in the 07' game sent me into. However, it passes the Barry Sanders "negative one" playoff game, the Philadelphia 58-37 playoff game, the Calvin Johnson "process of the catch" game, the Dom Suh extra point game, Sinners vs Saints part one, Thanksgiving 2012, etc, etc, etc.
I've said it before, but I think it's worth repeating, any serious fan of a sports team constantly tightropes on a fine line between fun/entertainment/cheering on whichever team you feel some sort of connection with, and an unhealthy, illogical, and entirely one-sided emotional attachment to a bunch of strangers who play sports better than you.
I'll freely admit it, I've gotten in a little too deep this year. Generally, I care far more about my own sports games than any team that I'm a fan of. I'd say that remaining a lifelong athlete has always been my healthiest obsession and remaining a lifelong fan might be just the opposite at this point. I don't care if it's Rec-League Tiddly Winks, playing sports has always been a major physical and emotional outlet for me. When school/work became overwhelming, family issues, relationship issues, whatever, we all have our own separate sets of problems, my escape has always been watching, and much more importantly, playing sports. Unfortunately, I've had an unlucky streak that has left me injured for 9 of the past 12 months, so I haven't been able get that competitive release that I crave. Not even pickup hoops. At times like this, for better or worse, the Lions games mean significantly more to me. It got to the point where last Tuesday I could barely concentrate during the afternoon because I was so excited and nervous about this stupid Monday Night Game that was still a full 6 days away. That was what the second half of the 2007 season was like for me also, but for different reasons.
Last night was not a pleasant one for me, but then again, it wasn't quite the worst.
Silver Lining #2: When I go to the Giants game this Sunday, the Lions won't yet be officially eliminated from playoff contention.
It's been an entire year since I've set foot in Michigan, and now almost 2 1/2 years since I've lived there. In the unformulated life plan that's sitting in the back recesses of my mind, I've always imagined that I'll end up back in Michigan someday, but that I still have a lot of things to take care of on the outside first. Nevertheless, the homesickness has been more intense over the past few months or so, so I wanted my too short return to the mitten over the holidays to be triumphant.
My brother got us some tickets for the Giants game a few weeks ago, and despite the staggering weight of history telling me otherwise, I had really convinced myself, "We're going to be in the building on the night that the DTLs win the division". I was completely ready to forgive the fake field goal, and the drops, and the penalties, and all the turnovers in the mud, and in the dome, and in the snow, because all those preceding events were going to set the stage for this magical evening at Ford Field on December 22nd, when Matthew Stafford leads the boys back to the promised land.
As it now stands, if Chicago and Green Bay both win on Sunday, it's all over; but at least the Bears aren't playing until later that night, so the Bromos vs Giants game will at least still matter at the time, however fleetingly.
Silver Lining #3: That wasn't even the longest game winning field goal that's been kicked against the DTLs.
One Sunday when I was about 9 or 10 years old and bored to the point of delirium while sitting through church, I suddenly started paying close attention because I heard the priest mention something about football. The topic of Father Frank's sermon for that day was an ex-football player named Tom Dempsey. Being a compulsive stat geek even at that age, I recognized the name and knew that Tom Dempsey had once kicked a 63 yard field goal, the all-time NFL record. Until then, I'd never heard the full story though.
Father Frank went on to talk about how Dempsey was born with only half of a right foot and with no fingers on his right hand. The 1970 New Orleans were off to a horrible start to their season, winning only one of their first seven games. In this particular game, the home team Saints had blown a late 4th quarter lead and let their opponents score to take the lead with with only 11 seconds left in the game. The Saints had one final chance to get in field goal range, but they couldn't even get the ball to midfield, and they were down to the final play. Instead of attempting a hail mary pass, the Saints sent their deformed field goal kicker out onto the field. No one in NFL history had ever made one from farther than 56 yards out, but this kicker with half a foot was going to try one from 63. To the absolute shock of everyone in the stadium, Dempsey blasted his kick just over the goalposts to miraculously win the game and set a new NFL record. The sermon was all about belief in God to do the impossible and all that type of stuff, and Father Frank ended things with a final punchline: "Oh, and guess which unfortunate team they happened to be playing?… the LIONS." Everyone in the church started laughing except for me.
Dempsey's record stood for over 43 years, until last week when Matt Prater made a 64-yarder. He now also has some company in the exclusive "Kickers who have made game-winning 60+ yard field goals in the final minute to beat the Lions" club. I think I'll leave it to John Starks to sum up that final Justin Tucker field goal:
Silver Lining #4: It doesn't look like I'll have to worry about rushing to the airport and possibly missing my flight back to Boston after the Lions playoff game.
I specifically planned out my vacation days and my flight time to come back to Boston with one thing in mind: if the DTLs had a home playoff game, I had to go to it. They obviously weren't going to get a first round bye, so as recently as two weeks ago, there was what seemed to be a very large possibility that it was going to happen. I booked my return flight for the night of January 5th, knowing that the playoff game would likely be on Sunday afternoon, or better yet, on Saturday the 4th. Nevertheless, I was also mentally preparing for the chance that it would be the 4:00 game and how disappointed I would be if I had to leave and miss this 0 times in a lifetime chance to watch the DTLs play at home in the playoffs. I was pondering whether I'd just purposely miss my flight and call in sick to work the next day.
Is there still a slim chance that these plans can come to fruition? Well, mathematically I guess there is, but I'd say the odds of it actually happening at this point are about as slim as Packers chance of coming all the way back from 23 down in the second half without their starting quarterback. Wow.
Silver Lining #5: My Bromolyte Interview with Worm next week should be interesting.
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