For the last day and a half, I thought I was going to get out of actually writing the third installment of the draft preview series. I had it all lined up: my colleague, Herman Munster, an avid NFL fan who does happen to like the draft, was going to write a guest blog where he takes a sort of point-counterpoint approach to debunking the claims that I made in part one. You know, he was going to prove that the NFL Draft doesn't suck, how it's actually really cool that it will be around 1 am when the first round finally wraps up, and that Mel Kiper is good guy. Not only would it have been a fascinating debate, but it also would have gotten me off the hook for part three. Alas, Herman Munster got lazy and reneged on his agreement, which now leaves me unsuccessfully scrambling for new material like I'm Seth MacFarlane. Speaking of which, the latest Family Guy preview implies that Peter and Quagmire will possibly have sex with each other in the upcoming episode. Now, Family Guy became unwatchable for me about three years back, and after 12 seasons or so it stands to reason that the well of plot lines is running pretty thin, but the lack of creativity and pathethic attempt at shock value gets worse and worse with every episode these days. I don't think anyone would argue if MacFarlane went out and said (years ago), "You know what? We had a pretty good run. I can't think of any new good ideas. What do you say we just shut er' down and let syndication of re-runs carry us off into the sunset so we can turn our creative focus to something different?" At this point, an FGs writers' meeting must consist of little more than, "Alright, which characters haven't either gotten in a big fight or had sex with each other yet? Gender and coherence being irrelevant."
Anyway, with Munster out of the picture, I suppose the show must go on. After all, a promise is a promise Lieu-tenent Daaan!
Here are a few last minute happenings that may be of some interest to DTLs draft enthusiasts:
LAFFERTY, DANIEL...AND GILMORE, ...STEPHEN.
According to the 11th hour rumor mill, DTLs brass is trying to trade up to get a pick in the top 15, which they would use to take a defensive back, possibly Stephen Gilmore of Chouth Charolina. If Gilmore has received any tip-offs that he might become a Lion in about 5 hours, he isn't letting on.
[*Disclaimer: The following quote was taken from the Free Press, so bear in mind that it's probably either been taken out of context, or is just flat out incorrect.]
"I haven't heard anything from Detroit, but that don't mean anything," said Gilmore. "I talked to them a lot at the combine. I didn't talk to them none after that, but that don't mean nothing because most of the teams that don't talk to you end up drafting you."
While I admire Gilmore's elegant use of the quadruple negative (grammar's equivalent of hitting for the cycle), his final comment leads me to believe that he doesn't quite understand how the draft actually works. Most of the teams that don't talk to you end up drafting you? Allow me to do the Jon Stewart goofy half-smile while staring into the camera for about the next four seconds.
"Hey Gilmore...only ONE team is allowed to draft each player...what you just passed off as common knowledge is in fact a procedural impossibility...just the way you never got into the NHL...ya' jack-ass!!"
After the events of yesterday, it might not be a bad idea for Mayhew to follow through on my ESPN Football Franchise Mode strategy of getting a lightning fast receiver in one of the later rounds, hoping that he'll develop into a breakout star. Despite my voting 20 times for Cam Newton (which is 20 more times than I've ever voted for a public official), Calvin still came away as the new poster boy for Madden '13. As we all know, being on the cover of the Madden video games is akin to being the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts: bad things happen. People say the position is cursed. Congratulations to Calvin for being really good, and popular, and muscular and whatnot, but am I the only who things that this might be a ploy orchestrated by the Saints to make bad things happen to the Lions? Was Mickey Loomis up on his computer for the past week, repeatedly voting for Calvin and using his illegal two-way spy device to talk to his cronies and convince them to do the same? Now I'm not saying I'm one of them conspiracy theorists, but I do know two things: (1) there were some awfully fishy happenings surrounding 9/11 (2) the last time a Lions player was supposed to be on the cover of Madden, he never played another game in the NFL. Just a few backyard sessions of Pass Defender with Scott Mitchell and Herman Moore.
If there's anyone powerful enough to reverse the Madden Curse, it's gotta be the Amazing Great. But just in case, I'd kind of like to get all Al Gore and request a recount for any votes cast in the state of Louisiana.
PLEASE DRAFT RESPONSIBLY
For those of you choosing to celebrate the 2012 NFL Draft, all I ask is that you stay safe, and shoot me a quick text when the Lions make a new pick every six hours or so.