Sunday, September 29, 2013


Bears 32

Whenever I have to go somewhere with NFL Sunday Ticket in order to watch the DTLs game, I always get stuck watching without sound, because the sports bar invariably chooses a different game to put on the speakers. This gets pretty annoying during the actual game because it takes away from the atmosphere of the game and detracts from the overall experience. However, during the commercial breaks, it allows me to watch without context all of the lunacy that the network and their sponsors are peddling at the time, and I can fill in the silence by coming up with my own ideas of what the voiceover guy should be saying as each commercial plays.

Muted Commercial Break #1: "Tonight, on Animation Domination, it's the season premiere of Family Guy! Our writers haven't even been trying for about 6 years now, but the over-evolved orangutans at the network focus groups haven't seemed to notice! Watch a hilarious new repackaging of the plotless and unimaginative cartoon fight scene! Which combination of characters will have sex this week? Herbert and Tom Tucker maybe? Wouldn't be the stupidest thing we've thought of! Tune in, 9 o'clock on FOX."

Today was an absolute masterpiece of a first half for the Bromothymols. Reggie had a highlight reel touchdown run, Staffy and the Amazing Great, Calvin Johnson connected for a TD, Delmas had a huge play, Dom was raising all heck in the trenches, Spurlock made a big play with a 58 yard punt return to set up an easy TD, Cutler was forced into some huge errors, and Wormtail even made 5 catches and no drops.  Going into the half up 30-13 against your undefeated division rivals qualifies a sending a major message.

After last Sunday's game, Nitch asked me about my current feelings on Ndamukong Suh. That's a complex subject for me, and I couldn't give him a real answer at the time. Two years ago, I juxtaposed Dom as the anti-Bill Laimbeer, an immensely gifted player, but whose Bad Boy antics came at the worst times and often worked against his team's chances of winning. My Pops absolutely hates the guy, as he's made clear in a series of spirited emails over the past few weeks. I don't think I'll ever go so far as to call myself a true Dom Suh fan, but especially after games like today, I think I can make peace with what he offers to the team. He is always going to hop back and forth from jaw-dropping displays of strength to "blue collar" plays that earn him fines and suspensions. After watching him play possibly his finest game as a Lion to date, with 4 solo tackles and two sacks (including gift-wrapping a fumble-6 to Nick Fairley, who did a pretty good Leon Lett impression on his TD celebration), I think I have my answer for Nitch: Dom Suh can be thought of as the Steve Stifler of the NFL; some of the crap he pulls is indefensible, but at the end of the day, he brings far too much to the table for the boys to stop hanging out with him. Today, the Suhmeister chipped in for that summer beach house, setting the tone for Jim, Oz, Finch, and even Eugene Levy to get everything they wanted out of the arrangement.

Muted Commercial Break #2: "On this week's episode of New Girl, one of the main characters gets punched in the penis! Will it cause him to get that weird sensation where it feels like your stomach hurts? Find out, Tuesday night on FOX!"

I'm still having a hard time believing that Reggie Bush is on the Lions. A lot of people forget just how electric of a player he was back in his college days, where he ran wild over defenses from the conference formerly known as the Pac 10. As the superstar on a USC team loaded with superstars, Reggie legitimately looked like a faster version of Barry Sanders, and probably should have had to return two Heisman trophies if the voters knew what they were doing. He hasn't exactly been a perennial All-Pro guy as an NFL player, but I think part of that is due to the unreal expectations that people had for him, putting a target on his back for opposing defenses since day 1, and partly due to him never really being in an offense that plays to his strengths. Through three games, Reggie has made it clear that he still has the explosiveness that made him one of the top five college players I've seen in my lifetime, and with Calvin and Staff generating so much attention from defenses already, there really isn't a better scenario for Reggie to operate out of the backfield as both a running and receiving threat. As part of the Lions' dominating first half today, Reggie had that spectacular touchdown run, hurdling over a potential tackler before turning on the jets towards the corner of the end zone, and later putting on an eye-popping spin move/juke combo that will have Cartoon Chris Berman shouting WHOOP!! a few times when reviewing the game highlights.

Muted Commercial Break #3: A.man and woman just pulled off a good victory in their semi-competitive mixed doubles tennis match. Something about the filter in the camera lens tells me that this is going to be a Cialis commercial. Sure enough, after another ten seconds or so of suburban tranquility scenes, the Cialis logo pops up on screen. My communication studies degree certainly hasn't gone to waste. 
"When the moment is right...will you have remembered to pack your erection pills in your tennis bag before heading to the country club?"

After going up 40-16 in the fourth quarter, the Lions still couldn't quite slam the door shut and completely put the game away, similar to the Minnesota game. A Joique Bell fumble and a few touchdowns and two point conversions put Chicago within an on-side kick's reach of making things very interesting. The boys just can't make things easy. Only after Kris Durham (who to my surprise is actually developing into a pretty serviceable player) recovered his second consecutive on-side try could we officially say that the Lions are in first place in the NFC North. They've had late fourth quarter leads in all four games, haven't yet trailed by double digits, and certainly haven't had to frantically erase 20 point second half deficits like too often in '11. They've already snapped one long road losing streak, and look to put an end to an even longer one at Lambeau Field next week. With the Packers off to a sluggish 1-2 start, this looks like the perfect time to pay them a visit. Dom Raiola seems to think so at least, doing Aaron Rog's championship belt celebration while trying to take credit for Reggie's 37 yard TD run this afternoon.

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