Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Official Unauthorized NFC Midseason Report

Disclaimer #1: Outside of Lions games, I'm not necessarily a big NFL fan. If I'm in a good enough mood, I'll sometimes catch a little bit of the 4:15 time slot, usually the Pats. I watch some of the playoffs, and I generally know enough about what's going on around the league to keep up a conversation.
Disclaimer #2: At this delicate point in the season, I'm going to try to keep all Richie Incognito jokes to a minimum. As was revealed this week, not only is Richie not the good person, but it also seems that Pops Incognito maintains a pretty prominent message board presence in regards to his son, so I need to be careful in case he wants to like, fight me or something. 

Now that we have that out in the open, let's waste no more time in delving into the only NFL midseason report that you could probably do without! Every team gets a few sentences or so, unless I feel that there are some interesting but probably only partially true tangents that I need to go off on. If you're like me and are an avid hate-reader of the Dan Brown books, this format should seem familiar.
The Unknown.
Opus Dei.

Dallas (5-4) Dallas is a dwarf among midgets in the NFC East this year; they're not really that good, but I think they'll end up as a prime example of why division winners shouldn't automatically get a home playoff game
Philadelphia (4-5) Around Week 4, the Chip Kelly experiment looked like it had all the makings of another Eagles "Dream Team" fiasco. A few games later, we have guys like Nick Foles throwing 7 touchdowns in a game. Stay tuned with this Philly team.
Washington (3-5) Another slow starting team that is starting to gain a little bit of traction. Robert Griffin III is slowly getting healthier for a team that hasn't yet peaked, but from where I sit, that defense is just too crappy to pull them out of this one.
New York Giants (2-6) My dreams of the Mannings going 0-16 and 16-0 in the same season were dashed, and the idiotic Boston Public Schools calendar is going to keep me from getting into Detroit in time to catch the Lions give a beatdown to the Giants on the weekend before Christmas.

If I had to make a prediction: I'd say that the Dallas vs Philly game in Week 17 is going to be a defacto play-in game, and the Cowboys pull it off this time around.

Detroit (5-3) After Chicago's upset over Green Bay on Monday, the DTLs suddenly find themselves in a 3-way tie for first in the division. They're a mix between a poor man's Broncos and a rich man's Same Old Lions. With an uncharacteristically soft schedule this year, that should be good for double digit wins.
Green Bay (5-3) Aaron Rodgers's injury just made things very interesting. The Packers were holding up well despite injuries to just about everybody else, but I have a hard time believing they can be at all successful until he gets back.
Chicago (5-3) Bears vs Bromos this Sunday is huge. Cutler may or may not be back from his groin injury, and the Bears have had brutal end of season stretches over the last two years to derail promising starts.
Minnesota (1-7) Mel "Tall Hair "Kiper feels that the Vikings are tanking on purpose so they can get Andrew Wiggins in next year's draft.

If I had to make a prediction: I'll say it, all the dominoes really seem to be tipping in favor of the DTLs right now. 2nd place in the division backs into the playoffs at 9-7.

New Orleans (6-2) If I were a Saints fan, I would be pissed that the Pelicans stole their fleur de lis and stuck it on their crappy Atlanta Hawks knockoff logo. I'm not even remotely a stakeholder in whatever New Orleans feels like doing with its basketball franchise, but they missed a huge chance to usher in a major paradigm shift in the world of sports team bird logos. The Baltimore Orioles have the best bird sports team logos out there, because they don't try to take their bird logo too seriously. You know, they've got that cartoonish bird wearing his favorite ball cap and vikesing it (liking it, as most know it). By the way, in real life, orioles are total bastards, but you'd never know it from Baltimore's logo. The Pelicans blew their big chance to pull a similar style makeover at the NBA level, having a cartoon pelican vikesing it, maybe with a basketball inside of his humongous beak/fish holder. Oh well, that's Anthony Davis's problem now, not mine.
Carolina (5-3) People love to hate Cam Newton; I kind of hate to love him, the guy is exciting. 5-1 in their last six games, Cam has lifted the Panthers into one of the hottest teams in the league right now. I worry a little bit because they might be the DTLs main competition for a Wild Card spot if it comes to that, but Carolina also has a brutal schedule coming up, with two games left against New Orleans, one at San Francisco, and one against New England.
Atlanta (2-6) I'm sure I'm not the only one who is surprised at how bad they've been. Rembert Browne can give you the specifics I bet.
Tampa Bay (0-8) It's hard to say what Greggy Boy Schiano hates more: Josh Freeman, or being a coach in the NFL. He managed to get one of those things out of his life, and it shouldn't be too much longer before he takes care of the other. Blowing a 21 point lead against the next team on this list isn't a surprise so much as getting a 21 point lead in the first place is.

If I had to make a prediction: New Orleans makes up for the Pelicans' uninspired logo choice and wins the division,  Cam Newton unfortunately slips back to .500 and misses out on his first playoff appearance after facing a gauntlet of elite teams during the second half. Greggy Boy Schiano does not finish the season.

Seattle (8-1) I don't know much Seahawks, so I went to my friend Scozz for this one. His thoughts are in italics.
On the so-called 12th man (aren't they blatantly stealing this concept from Texas A&M?): "has never been as LOUD. A Guinness World Record 136.6 decibels."
On Pete Carroll: "already a local legend. His energy and intensity is infectious…changed the Hawks' atmosphere."
On Russell Wilson: "In Russ We Trust."
On Richard Sherman and "the Legion of Boom": "All you can ask is, 'U mad bro?'"
"This combination has actually made free agents want to come to Seattle, which has always been hard for all Seattle sports teams."
This is definitely a Super Bowl or Bust type of situation for Seattle, expectations and excitement are as high as they've ever been in the Pacific Northwest.
San Francisco (6-2) Something seems kind of anti-climactic about the 49ers so far this year. Good record, but they've been kind of sluggish. They had back-to-back two touchdown losses early on, but have won every other game. Are they just biding their time until the postseason rolls around, or is the Jim Harbaugh starting to annoy his own team as much as he does everyone else's?
Arizona (4-4) This year's Cardinals team stands out only in its mediocrity. I don't have much more to say except that they're kind of good. They're the Maroon 5 of the NFL right now, and playing the part of Adam Levine, we have perhaps the most somewhat decent quarterback of his generation, Carson Palmer. Barring a major "Wake Up Call", they have 14th pick in the draft written all over them.
Saint Louis (3-6) Doesn't it look weird to see St. Louis spelled out with no abbreviation? Casual NFL fan as I am, it is certainly not a good sign that Sam Bradford is the only player that I can say with absolute certainty plays for the Rams. And isn't he hurt right now anyway? And didn't they call Brett Favre to see if he wanted to come play for them? Or maybe I'm thinking of another elaborate Greg Schiano scheme to try and get himself fired. And at this point, just how bad must Timmy Tebow be if 44 year-old wearer of winter hats on top of baseball caps Brett Favre is getting more offers from NFL teams than he is? And in all seriousness, who else plays for the Rams?…Amendola used to also…and Issac Bruce was good.

If I had to make a prediction: San Francisco is just biding their time. They win the rematch with Seattle at home and win the division by tie-breaker. It's going take another meeting in January to settle this one.

For H-Bromo's AFC report, CLICK HERE

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